


The Road to Recovery

by tikkikwami



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Dissociation, Hypervigilance, M/M, Mood Swings, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Please read the author’s note before reading this fic, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Isolation, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 17:26:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 49,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19214110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tikkikwami/pseuds/tikkikwami
Summary: Istus tells Taako to stop fighting fate. How can that be?A story of the beginning of Taako’s road to recovery from PTSD.





	1. Night Terrors

**Author's Note:**

> This story starts about eleven months after the Hunger was sealed away and the IPRE team saved the world. It’s an AU where the IPRE team decided to live in a big house together instead of scattering across Faerun. It explores Taako’s journey to recovery from PTSD, which is a long and winding road.
> 
> Warnings: Graphic and potentially triggering depictions of child abuse (exploring Taako and Lup’s past) + mention of sexual assault. This has some heavy shit that could be saddening or upsetting, especially if you’re sensitive to it. I have PTSD so I’m a bit desensitized in some ways to how horrifying this is to people who haven’t experienced it. But also, I’m sensitive about the effects of abuse, and will do my best to depict this accurately and respectfully. 
> 
> I’m writing this for the emotional catharsis of my own experiences. Basically, I’m projecting onto Taako with my issues and writing about how he recovers from them in hopes of myself doing the same. 
> 
> I also wrote this a year ago, except for the last chapter. I’m doing a lot better now than I was then in terms of my PTSD recovery.
> 
> If reading this triggers you, take care of yourself. Don’t keep reading content that you know will upset you. Do some self-soothing and stay safe. <3

Taako rolled over in his sleeping sack, curling on his side. He twitched and whimpered in his sleep.

He was back in the Crystal Kingdom. Lup was there, as were his grandfather and the Legion. He was completely unarmed, his umbrastaff shattered in pieces on the ground, his bag and all its contents turned to pink tourmaline, and even his pointy hat was torn to shreds. He held onto Lup, shaking in terror, as Legion and his grandfather loomed over them, both holding belts with heavy iron buckles. They lifted the belts in unison.

He sat up with a screech. Only the sleeping sack kept him from flailing his arms around to force any danger away from him. After a few moments of the fight or flight response (somehow his body chose both), Taako laid still and panted, staring up at the ceiling, telling himself over and over that it was just a nightmare, not real. Hands shaking, he unzipped the sack and wriggled out of it, standing up and out of bed. There was no way he would sleep again tonight. “Meditation it is, then. Fuck you, night terrors.” 

The fear had made him sweaty and the Taako brand doesn’t allow for hanging out in sweaty clothes. Unsteadily he changed from his footie pajamas into lighter pajamas, shorts and a baggy T-shirt with a big cursive “flirty, nerdy, & a little dirty ;)” across the front. The fitting saying on the shirt excused the fact that he was becoming a literal fashion disaster at that moment. He pulled his long hair up into a big messy bun, slipped his stone of far speech in his pocket, and then made his way into the kitchen. Lup was sitting on a barstool in the kitchen, sipping coffee moodily. She twitched her ears to acknowledge his entering the room but was apparently too drowsy to speak.

To be fair, Taako didn’t want to talk about it. Well, he did, but as a general rule he bottled that shit up and threw it under his bed along with the other stuff he didn’t care about. He walked over to the coffee machine and poured himself some. Lup had made enough for him as well, knowing that he’d join her sooner or later. Specifically, he put the coffee in a mug that says “I <3 NEW ELFINGTON,” an homage to their hometown where he and Lup began their lives. Quietly, he sat next to his sister at the bar. “You too, huh?”

She nodded and lashed her tail in frustration. “Every night this week.” Taako rubbed her back sympathetically. He’d had night terrors each night, too. But not just for a week – for months, now. Apparently, they’re hard to shake. 

Johann, their hound dog named after their late friend, heard them shuffling around in the kitchen. He got up with an exaggerated puppy whine and stretch. He’d picked up some drama from the twins, or maybe he was just naturally that way. Regardless, he was a good dog, the only dog Magnus had convinced the rest of the group to allow indoors. Taako reached down to pat him, then gave him his breakfast so he wouldn’t wake the others with impatient barks. “Such a little brat,” Taako muttered fondly.

After about an hour and a half of the quiet, calm coffee break with Lup, soft morning light began filtering through the windows. He’d gotten at least four hours of sleep, so he could let himself off the hook for meditating - this time.

Quiet footsteps came from the hallway where the stairs were. After a moment, Lucretia entered the kitchen. She nodded in greeting to Lup and Taako, accustomed to their routine, and got some coffee for herself as well. She didn’t even try speaking to the twins, knowing that it was unlikely she would hear one of their voices any time before they’d finished their coffee. 

Pulling her house robe more tightly around her, Lucretia walked through the kitchen then the living room to the front door, exiting the house. Johann went with her, wagging his tail, excited to get some fresh air. “That old lady. Just wants to sit on the porch in a rocking chair all fucking day,” Taako said, halfheartedly mocking his housemate. Lup hummed in agreement, finishing her third cup of coffee. Then she rested her head on the table. 

“I’m so fuckin’ sick of the night terrors, Taako. Shit sucks. I’m not even hung up on this garbage anymore,” she grumbled. Taako knew the last part was a lie because he, too, was still facing the effects of the past. He let it slide, though.

“I know,” he said. Taako leaned toward her and bumped her shoulder with his. “We just gotta keep on keepin’ on, ya know?” She gave a soft purr of affection but stayed with her head cradled in her crossed arms. Her ears were downright drooping in her bad mood, her hair messy and tangled from flailing during the night terrors, and her face was completely without makeup for once. He knew he looked the same.

At that point, the sun had fully risen. It was maybe around 7 in the morning, if he had to guess. Taako hopped off the barstool and grabbed both of their mugs, and went to the sink to wash them. The chore helped keep his mind clear while he was doing it. Without distraction, it was tougher to deal.

“Hey.” When she spoke it broke the silence, making Taako jump in surprise. Which made him drop a coffee mug in the sink. Which made a louder noise. He flattened his ears against his head for a moment in distress, then began washing the mug again, his movements a little unsteady. Damned hypervigilance.

“Easy, babe. That mug didn’t do anything to ya.” She was sitting up now, her hand covering her mouth as she giggled. Taako turned toward her, huffed dramatically, and made a show of drying the mugs with great care. Suddenly, they were the terror twins again, grinning like mirror reflections of the other. And life was back to the way it should be.


	2. Friendly Visitor

Just then, his stone of far speech chimed, and Kravitz’ voice asked, “Taako, are you around? I was thinking we could get coffee, while I’m free.” Lup watched as her brother’s body language became happier, his posture straightening and his ears lifting from their sad state. 

“I’m all good on the caffeine, my man. How about you swing by for some pancakes instead?” Taako said lazily, stretching - acting as if he had woken up in the last thirty minutes, and not at 4 or 5 AM. He’d become confident enough in his abilities to start cooking again a couple of months ago, and hadn’t stopped since. “I’ll even let you flip one, if you think you can handle it.” 

In response, Kravitz just chuckled. Then a rip in reality opened right in the middle of the kitchen, and a skeletal form stepped through it. 

“Good morning, Taako, Lup,” he greeted each of them politely, while morphing into his more lifelike form and closing the portal. He leaned over and gave Taako a kiss on the cheek, making the elf glare at him, pretending to be offended at the ‘gross’ affection. Lup laughed at his indignant look.

She yawned. “I’m going upstairs to see if I can get a catnap in before Magnus gets up.” Lup and Barry shared a room beside Magnus’s, and when he woke up, everybody woke up. He didn’t even try to be loud. It was just a side effect of being Magnus. 

“So what’s shakin’, my fella?” Taako asked as he began pulling ingredients from their shelves in the pantry and fridge. Yeah, they’d gotten a fancy fridge like the one on the Starblaster. It cost a fortune, but their names alone got them pretty much whatever they wanted, after saving the world and such. 

Kravitz straightened the sleeve on his long-sleeve button down shirt. Boy’s classy even when not on the job. “I’ve got a couple of bounties to complete this week. Other than that, I’m actually free for the, for the most part,” he announced with a grin, leaning on the counter and stretching his dark feathered wings behind him. Taako hummed as if it was pleasant news but no big deal. Since he wears every emotion on his sleeve through body language, his tail lifted happily at the news and his ears twitched a couple of times.

Kravitz knew there was no point in trying to help Taako make breakfast. That elf could backseat cook like you wouldn’t believe. Although, a small part of him still wanted to be helpful. He put a pan on the stove to begin heating up. “What about you, love?”

Taako began adding the ingredients to a bowl. “You know I just do whatever I fuckin’ want. I’m a free spirit, Kravitz. Don’t even try to contain me with plans for this week,” he sassed and smacked the reaper’s leg with his tail. Once upon a time, he would have been flustered, but after the relationship had grown over the past months, he had become used to Taako’s flirty jabs. 

Kravitz grinned. “Alright. But don’t, don’t come crying to me when you miss out at La Florenza since you, you never made plans to go, ya goofus.” As usual, the way Kravitz stumbled through his words and repeated some of them a little awkwardly was endearing.

“Using my own insult against me? I’m shocked,” Taako teased, now getting a spatula and a measuring cup for portioning out beautifully equal-sized pancakes. “Wait, La Florenza?” He paused, looking up at Kravitz in surprise. 

The reaper in question averted his eyes, rubbing his neck with a hand, pausing before he replied. His wings were tucked closely to his back in shyness. Taako put a hand on his hip. “La Florenza as in the top restaurant in Neverwinter? That La Florenza? The one that requires a reservation months in advance?”

Kravitz smiled at his boyfriend, looking a little bashful. He leaned forward and gently brushed a lock of hair behind Taako’s ear, savoring the blush that dusted across his cheeks. “I may or may not have made, made reservations for Friday night.” Taako grinned and threw his arms around Kravitz. 

“Are you fucking serious right now? Dear Istus, that’s exactly what I needed to hear right now.” He hugged his boyfriend tightly, even wagging his tail like a gods-damned puppy. 

Kravitz kissed the top of his head and returned the hug. “As much as I’m, I’m loving this, I smell the butter on the pan burning,” he pointed out in a lighthearted tone. 

Taako sighed deeply before turning around and using a paper towel to wipe off the burnt butter, replacing it with a new pat. “You’re lucky I love you. Most people don’t get to point out mistakes in my kitchen and make it out alive,” he giggled. Of course, it was hyperbole. And as much as he had a tough exterior, Taako would never hurt anyone he loved.


	3. Friday Morning

It was finally Friday in the lovely town of Goldcliffe where they lived; crime had been cleaned up, battle-wagon racing had been legalized, and they could visit Sloane and Hurley’s tree whenever they wanted. It was perfect for them. Their house was perched at the edge of the cliff near one of the rivers, a large residence with a gorgeous view and a large yard. Privacy was a luxury they could afford; their house was at least a quarter mile away from any other residences. It was both their sanctuary and their home, after living here for months together. It even had a big dog house for Magnus’s service dogs in training, and a big fenced-in enclosure for them to play in. Honestly, it was everything the group could ask for in a home.

After having his daily night terror, coffee with Lup, and luxuriously long shower, Taako was ready for the day. Luckily, he got some meditation in this morning, so he would look well-rested to look even better than usual. Unfortunately, it was only 9:30 and he had to wait until 6 in the evening to be picked up for his date with death. Well, until Kravitz made a portal in his house, held his hand, and then portaled him to just outside the restaurant. Much more convenient than having to actually travel to Neverwinter. 

After carefully applying makeup and getting dressed for the day, Taako looked in the full-length mirror at the end of his walk-in closet. He had on a cold-shoulder long-sleeve blouse with a pastel pink floral design on it, with black skinny jeans and knee-length black boots with a bit of a heel. Of course, he also wore his trademark wizard hat, transmuted to be the same shade of black as his jeans and boots. It had golden and purple star embellishments on it, working with his eye colors to make a unique look. The gold on the hat perfectly matched his thick hoop earrings. To complete the look, he pulled a black crocodile skin purse over his shoulder. 

Walking closer to the mirror, he examined his hair and face. His hair was braided in a French braid going straight down his back to just below his butt, tied with a purple ribbon to work with the purple on his hat. Small wisps of hair escaped the braid to look like he didn’t care too much about seeming perfect, but it was just as intended: it looked casually flawless and natural. As far as makeup goes, he decided to go for a more subtle look, by Taako standards at least. Meaning, thick cat-eye eyeliner (how fitting, with his vertical slit pupils), but no false lashes or brightly colored eyeshadow. A bit of golden glitter was placed strategically on his eyelids and cheekbones. 

He looked into his eyes in the mirror for a moment, feeling confidence swelling within him. The irises of his eyes were a deep royal purple, but the sclera around the irises were a gleaming gold. Nobody else on this plane other than Lup looked just like this. Elves in this world just weren’t made of the same stuff as the ones from his home plane. He looked damn fine. The beautiful makeup and clothing he wore felt like armor, made him feel powerful and worthy of any high opinions someone had of him.

Of course, it wasn’t really how he looked. But the glamour made up for what Wonderland had taken from him. He didn’t even have to conjure it anymore, with his glamour earring he nearly always wore. He’d crafted it using his artificing skills, and now he didn’t have to use spell slots to give him his old features anymore. 

Then it was time for business, not reminiscing about the past. He grabbed a wand that matched his blouse from his selection of foci. Now that his adventuring days were past, he could afford to have multiple foci, since he didn’t have to carry them around everywhere. Thank Istus for that. His fashion game suffered when his utility items didn’t go with his clothes.

Taako, now full of confidence as well as beauty, sauntered out of his bedroom and down the stairs to the second floor. He passed Magnus’s room, Lup and Barry’s room, and Lucretia’s room on the way to the other stairwell to get down to the ground floor. Davenport’s room and Merle’s room were on the third floor with Taako’s. Merle and Davenport were lucky that Taako got to pick his room on that floor first. Otherwise, Taako may have claimed the whole floor for himself. If he couldn’t have his own floor, at least he had the biggest closet in the house. The fashionista inside him demanded it.

Now Taako was on the ground floor. But he was really looking to get into the basement, where his magic room was. He was currently working on a project that the others knew only vague details about. It was to be a surprise reveal next month, on the anniversary of saving the world and such. There were going to be parties in every town and city on that day, so after celebrating he figured it would be cool to come home to a surprise.

That surprise was in front of him. Well, sort of. Parts of it that needed to be interconnected, things that needed spells cast on them, objects that needed to be transmuted or transmogrified, etc. Anyone who wasn’t Taako would think it was a random collection of items on a table, a mess. But to him, it was something he had been working on for several weeks now, and planned to finish before the celebration next month. Of course, if anyone asked him, he would say it was mostly for his own benefit, and he was magnanimously willing to share it with his housemates. But deep down, he knew it was because he liked seeing his friends happy, not that he would admit that to anyone.

The gift in question? It was going to be an instant washing machine and dryer. How boring, right? But think of how great it would be to not have to share the fucking laundry machine with a bunch of other people, the dinguses always leaving their shit in the dryer (Lup), leaving a bunch of blue jeans lint in the dryer (Barry), forgetting that they put their clothes in the washing machine at all until a couple days later when they start to stink (Magnus), and using up all the laundry detergent and not buying more (okay, that was on Taako, but still). He just needed to figure out a few things. Mainly exactly what components he still needed for this intricately complicated setup and what order he should cast spells in. It was a long process, okay?

Taako spent several hours in the magic room working on the project, like he had every few days since he started. In addition to what he already had done, today he successfully altered the part that would instantly dry the clothes, so that it would function without fading the clothes or wearing out their materials. Next he would implement a mechanism to fold the clothes. After that, the instant dryer would be complete. Then all he would have to do is finish up the washer. Easy peasy. Well, hopefully easy enough to finish before the celebration.

All too soon, Magnus opened the door to the basement stairwell. “TAAKO!” the gentle giant shouted, making the elf whip his head around in surprise, adrenaline uncomfortably prickling in his hands. “Oh, sorry I scared ya, bud,” he said, seeming a bit embarrassed. “I was just letting you know we’re going out to lunch. You should come.” 

Taako stood up and stretched. He had been working for a while. “Close your eyes when you’re looking this way, pal,” he reminded him. “It’s not fuckin’ done yet and I’ll kill you if you spoil the surprise.” Magnus stuck out his tongue mockingly at Taako and then walked over to the living room, leaving the basement door open. Taako soon followed him. They ended up getting lunch at Fantasy Panda Express. Junk food is good in any plane of existence.


	4. The Date

Taako sat on the couch, lounging in a seemingly nonchalant manner. Inside, he was very much looking forward to that night. He was wearing a gorgeous dress that clung to his body like it was custom-made for a goddess. It was a soft material that appeared to shimmer on the border of silver and gold, shifting colors in the light. He wore his hair loose and flowing over his shoulders. Tall stiletto heels made the look even hotter. And he was wearing his favorite bright golden sparkling eyeshadow that made his eyes seem otherworldy and beautiful. Plus, he was wearing a necklace with a deeply rich purple color, with a hair barette that had the same stones inlaid in it. Golden bangles jangled around his wrist, a delicate filigree armband was wrapped around his right bicep, and with his usual earrings and the golden chain on his necklace, he was glittering with gold. His eyes were perfectly made the center of attention via the golden and purple color accents of his outfit. It took a certain artistry to make himself look this good. 

Basically, Taako felt like a fucking bombshell and he couldn’t wait to see Kravitz’s face when he laid eyes on this outfit. 

Just at the stroke of 6:00 PM, a rift opened up in the kitchen. Kravitz stepped through the portal and looked around, not seeing his boyfriend in the room. Taako looked over across the living room and wolf whistled at his honey, getting Kravitz’s attention. “Damn, babe,” he teased. “You sure clean up nice.”

Kravitz opened his mouth to reply and stopped in his tracks when he saw Taako, instantly blushing, his wings fluttering. “W-well, so do you.” He slowly approached Taako and sat on the couch beside him, taking his hand and kissing his knuckles. “You look lovely, dear.” 

Taako laughed and winked. “And don’t you fuckin’ forget it,” he responded before leaning in for a kiss and stroking one of his pinion feathers fondly. Despite his cocky attitude and often harsh tone, he was a total softy for romance, and Kravitz knew it. After the hand kiss, the ball was in Taako’s court. “Now let’s get this party on the road.” 

After arriving and settling in at a private booth, Taako leaned his head on his hands, gazing at his lover’s face. “I meant it, you know,” he said, and Kravitz cocked his head in confusion. “When I said you clean up nice. You really do look good tonight.” Kravitz blushed again, his already dark skin darkening just a touch on his cheeks. Only Taako could tell the blush was there. Since he knew the guy so well and spent so much time with him, he always knew when Kravitz was feeling shy. 

Kravitz grinned at Taako. “Thanks. I actually got this, got this tie and pocket square a few days ago for, for this occasion.” They were a deep ruby red color, matching his eyes in a beautifully complementary way. The rest of his dress suit was a crisp raven black. 

Taako reached across the table and brushed his hand down the tie admiringly. “I appreciate it. But really, this look is hot. You should wear it more often.” Kravitz rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair with a chuckle. 

“Yeah? You think I should wear date clothes when I go to, to bring people’s souls to the afterlife?” Taako laughed. They joked around for a few more minutes, alternating between teasing one another and saying more sappy shit. This date was going very well. The restaurant was stunningly beautiful, with fresh flowers on every table, silk curtains, candles for mood lighting, the whole nine yards. The aesthetic very much pleased Taako, and even the food exceeded his high standards. 

After all was said and done, they were walking down the walkway of the Neverwinter River. The streetlights were soft and romantic. They strolled leisurely, enjoying one another’s company, holding hands with their fingers interlaced. That’s when Kravitz spoke up.

“Hey, Taako,” he said softly, turning to be face to face with the elf. Taako smiled up at him affectionately. He had a very light buzz from the fruity cocktails he had at La Florenza, lowering his tough exterior just enough to let him be a mildly emotional sap. 

Taako leaned in and kissed his boyfriend for a moment. “Yeah, babe?” he answered, leaning back to study Kravitz’s face. His expression was just as dopey and lovey-dovey as Taako’s was, and it was honestly a great feeling to be so openly smitten with one another.

Kravitz lifted a hand to brush some of Taako’s hair behind his ear in the sweet way he often did. “Do you think about our future together sometimes?” He sweetly rubbed Taako’s cheek with his hand, and Taako leaned into the touch. 

“Sometimes, yeah,” he answered honestly, closing his eyes and enjoying the way Kravitz made him feel, standing beside a beautiful riverbank under a streetlight, giving him romantic kisses. It made his heart feel like it would overflow. He remembered a moment later to finish answering the question. “I mean, I got another few centuries to really worry about it. But I figured Lady Istus would give me a job, since I’m already her ambassador. Like you have one with Raven Queen. So we could… keep being as we are.” 

Kravitz grinned and gave Taako a deep and loving kiss. “Oh, that’s so good, so good to hear,” he sighed, seeming pleased relieved. “I don’t know, know what I would do without you.” Taako giggled and tapped him on the nose. 

“Probably not go on hot dates with a pretty elf dude, that’s for sure,” he replied. Kravitz laughed and put his hand on Taako’s hand again, intertwining their fingers and giving the back of Taako’s hand a kiss.


	5. Dissociation

Eventually Kravitz opened a rift to his own apartment. Yeah, it was in the astral plane, which was mildly weird for the first couple of visits, but now Taako really likes it. He can’t be interrupted by his annoying housemates if they’re not in the same plane of existence. Otherwise, the apartment was pretty much the same as what it would be like in the prime material plane. 

Taako and Kravitz were sober at this point. They had some water and spent some time staying up talking. Then it was time for bed. And then it went a little sideways.

Taako sat on a chair and began taking off his heels when he looked up and saw Kravitz undoing his belt. And the belt buckle flashed in the light and then Taako was far away. He suddenly felt empty and cold, with a sense of dread. And it felt like he wasn’t really there, it might be a dream or a fog passing through his mind. Regardless, he sat up in the chair and turned his head to look at the wall, where he stared without blinking. 

Kravitz noticed how still Taako was, mindlessly staring into the distance. “Hey, love?” Concerned, he tried to get Taako’s attention, but it was like he was hearing him from underwater, or maybe from another room. It didn’t even feel like he was addressing him. 

“Taako, look, look at me,” Kravitz said in his worried voice. After a long moment, Taako turned his gaze toward Kravitz. Or rather, where the voice came from. He only registered shapes and colors, not even really seeing that Kravitz was there. “Are you okay? Do you… um, are you still kinda buzzed or…?” Kravitz nervously approached Taako, concerned at how his eyes were unfocused and he seemed… absent. Even his tail was perfectly still.

Kravitz squatted down to be at Taako’s eye level, knitting his brows together in concern. He reached up to fix Taako’s hair, but he flinched away from the touch, keeping his eyes closed and his ears flattened against his head tightly. The reaper was becoming increasingly worried, verging on panic. His flesh form melted away from the stress without him even noticing, leaving only his natural skeletal form, his bony wings splayed wide in fear. “I’m going to take you home, okay? Do you think Lup would know what to do?” Taako slowly reopened his eyes and after a few seconds, as if his hearing was delayed, gave a small nod. 

Holding his hand carefully, as if he were made of porcelain, Kravitz portaled Taako back to his home in the prime material plane. It was past midnight, but Lup and Barry were sitting on the couch, laughing and holding hands. As soon as they saw the reaper and his boyfriend, they greeted them in a friendly manner, before seeing Kravitz’s worried expression and Taako’s blank one. “Oh, no,” Lup said softly, standing up slowly and approaching Taako. Quietly, she took his hand. “Hey, hey,” she said. “It’s okay, Koko. You’re okay.” Taako only stared at her, then nodded after a moment, a little too delayed to seem normal. 

She looked over at Kravitz. “I can handle this. You should probably go home. It’s not your fault or anything. He just needs some twin time now.” 

The reaper fidgeted, wings drooping, clearly a little upset. “Would you mind using a, a stone of far speech to tell me when he feels better? I… haven’t seen something like this, like this before. I don’t know what to do to- to help him, Lup.” 

She patted him on the shoulder. Barry stood up and gave Kravitz a side hug. “Get some sleep, big guy,” he told him. “We’ll let you know. Hopefully he can feel better enough to talk to you himself.” Kravitz sighed a little bit in relief, squeezing Taako’s hand one more time and kissing the top of his head before leaving through the portal he came from.

Lup led Taako up to his room. Barry brought them glasses of water and a box of tissues, said goodnight, then retreated to his own room, knowing Lup might stay with Taako tonight. She grabbed some pajamas out of her dresser and helped her brother change into them, and then carefully put him in his king-size bed. She left a lamp on her side of the bed lit, and turned out the rest of the lights. 

“Taako, babe, how are you feeling?” She asked, giving him his glass of water. He sipped on it. He seemed a little less out of it now, his eyes a little more focused, his ears seeming more relaxed instead of being flattened against his head. He was sitting up and leaning on the bed’s headboard, his knees up to his chest, his tail curled around himself protectively.

Taako set down his glass of water and turned to look at his sister. “I’m… alright. Not super great, bubbeleh.” A couple of tears started forming in his eye and he snatched a tissue out of the box sitting on the bed between them, wiping his eyes. “But like, fuck. I ruined my date.” 

Lup sympathetically patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry about that. Kravitz loves you and he just wants you to feel better.” Taako nodded and wiped his eyes again. “But what made you dissociate? It’s been so long since you’ve done that.”

He closed his eyes and sighed, leaning his head back against the headboard. “My night terror last night. It was about the belts.” Lup’s mouth twisted into a frown and she scooted closer to him, giving him a hug. “A-and,” his voice cracked. “When I saw, I saw Kravitz getting ready for bed, he, he took off his belt, and I just… left.” He wiped his eyes again, angrily this time. “It’s so fucking stupid. I can’t be in the room when my boyfriend undresses? What the fuck?” 

She leaned her head against his and softly began purring, knowing the familiar sound would comfort him. It was like back in those days, when they were facing the belt every day, and at night they would huddle together and purr, desperately trying to soothe one another, trying to keep it together so they could survive the next day. He leaned against her with a small sob and crackly purr. He didn’t need to say anything else; she knew all of it, everything that had happened, all the feelings that came along with it. How he wanted to open up to Kravitz, but just couldn’t. Not yet. Sometimes twin time means crying it out over shared trauma. Lup’s purring became choppy sometimes as she cried too. 

Eventually, Taako was tuckered out and tired. His tears ran out, and he sat up, no longer leaning on his sister. She gave him the space to get up if he wanted, yawning. It had to be at least 2 AM. He felt like himself again, but not necessarily much better. But at least his mind was clear, even if he was tired.

Lup got out of the bed and looked through Taako’s purse until she found his stone of far speech. She pressed the speed dial button for Kravitz, and he picked up immediately. “T-Taako? How are you? Are you okay?” He sounded really distressed. 

Lup answered, “Taako’s okay. He’s pretty tired now but he’s feeling better. I mean, not like 100%, but not dissociating anymore.” Kravitz asked what she meant, but she just said Taako would explain later, and passed him the stone.

“Hey,” the elf said, his voice all damp from crying. They had a short conversation where he assured Kravitz he was okay, and they would talk tomorrow, and he had to go to bed now but would call him when he woke up.

Just like when they were scared kids on the streets, they slept curled up on their sides facing one another, just their foreheads touching, each making sure the other didn’t feel alone, purring softly. Taako didn’t bother with getting in a sleeping sack. They could help each other through the night terrors without having to be contained in one.

And that night, when Lup panicked in her sleep and yelped in fear, waking up from the night terror, Taako held her close and purred until she was soothed enough to go back to sleep. And she did the same for him a short amount of time later. They slept until nearly noon the next day recovering their energy and sleeping off the difficult emotions.


	6. Recovery

The next morning, on Saturday, Taako and Lup were still holding each other from when they were comforting each other after night terrors. Taako woke up first, carefully removing himself from the bed without waking his sister. He yawned and shuffled to the bathroom to brush his teeth and remove his makeup, things he hadn’t done the night before due to extenuating circumstances. Fuck, he hoped his skin wouldn’t punish him for this. So far it didn’t look like he had any blemishes as a result. After brushing his hair and braiding it in a simple long plait, he grabbed his stone of far speech and called up his favorite reaper.

“Hey boney-baby,” he said in a teasing tone, but his voice cracked and betrayed that he had been crying last night.

Kravitz replied quickly. “Taako!” He seemed relieved to hear from him. “How- how are you doing?” He spoke cautiously, as if he was fearing the answer. Taako felt a little tense and awkward to have to explain what happened.

“I’m okay today. I just feel a little bit like, lame right now, I guess,” he said, stretching. “Cha’ boy actually just woke up. I got a lot of sleep, at least.” 

Kravitz sighed. “I want to, to talk to you, and I want to be there for you, but my bounty is right here, and it’s due tonight. I’ll be at your house right after, after I finish this, okay?” He sounded really sincere, and Taako rolled his shoulders back and closed his eyes, a little glad he could wait until later to talk about what happened. 

He shambled downstairs, aware that it was highly unusual for him to wake up so late, show up downstairs in his pajamas this late in the day, also looking a little like he’d been hit by a truck. At least his glamour helped ease the roughness around the edges of his look. 

Normally, he was dressed to the nines. When he showed up in the kitchen in his sleepwear, Barry patted him on the back, with something between pity and encouragement. He hissed in response. He didn’t need any fucking pity. Barry rolled his eyes.

Taako started brewing some coffee, the morning batch already cleaned up and gone. “Yes, I’m doing okay, and no, Lup doesn’t have to stay with me again tonight.” He abruptly answered questions Barry didn’t ask but maybe was wondering about. 

“Well, if you’re back to being kinda bitchy, then that means something’s going right. Glad to have you back, Taako.” Barry grinned. 

“Get out of here with your fucking insults and blue jeans. By the way, those dumb pants are also a gods-damned insult in their own right.” He made shooing motions toward Barry, making the guy laugh. He didn’t move.

Taako curled up on the sofa with a big mug of mocha coffee with whipped cream and caramel drizzled on top. A special treat to maybe make today seem more bearable. He knew he would have to talk about actual feelings with Kravitz today. He absolutely dreaded it. Of course, he trusted him, well, as much as he could trust someone other than Lup. And he knew it was silly to feel anxious about opening up to his boyfriend, but old habits die hard. He really only felt comfortable talking about tough shit with his sister, and even then they usually didn’t say too much in those conversations. He hadn’t even talked to Kravitz about his past. At all. The thought of it made him feel nauseous, and he shuddered.

Roughly fifteen minutes after he settled on the couch, Kravitz arrived. He immediately sat down on the sofa beside Taako and took his hand, looking at his face. “Oh my Raven, I’m so glad you’re okay,” he breathed, wrapping his wings around his boyfriend protectively. Taako snuggled to his side, finishing his coffee and placing it on the side table. He leaned his head on the space between his shoulder and his neck, sighing and feeling comforted. 

“Krav, can we just… have a quiet day? Can we watch Fantasy Netflix and just kick it in my room?” Kravitz nodded and kept holding Taako close, not even close to moving. Taako giggled. “Hey hot stuff, to hang out in my room means you need to let go of me and let me the fuck up, thanks.” 

Kravitz let go of him finally and smiled at him. “Alright, love. Let’s go.” Taako went up to his room, but Kravitz grabbed some leftovers and bottles of water from the fridge, plus some utensils and paper plates. 

Taako was busy setting up his Fantasy Netflix to play a cooking show when Kravitz entered the room. He looked over and lifted one ear in confusion, the lopsided image being very endearing to the reaper. “What’s all that for, my fella?”

Kravitz plopped down on Taako’s bed. “I had a feeling you haven’t had anything to eat today.” He raised an eyebrow and pushed the container towards the elf. 

The elf huffed and flipped his hair. “I had coffee, thank you very much.” But he moved closer and began making a plate of the leftovers. He heated it up with a little bit of magic and then ate the leftovers a little faster than he meant to. Apparently crying until 2 AM and skipping breakfast makes you hungry, huh. And these leftovers were damn good. You see, some foods taste better after they’ve been given time for the flavors to deepen and really shine. Especially when ol’ Taako makes it.

Afterwards Kravitz put what he didn’t eat back in the fridge and cleaned the utensils for him. As an undead immortal being, eating wasn’t actually a necessary function, so he didn’t take anything for himself. While he was cleaning up, Taako stayed in his room. Even with so much sleep, he was kind of tired. That might have to do with the fact that he hasn’t had a deep, relaxed, uninterrupted sleep in months because of the night terrors haunting him.

He put on a cooking show he knew he could critique and make fun of. When the cooks did everything right, it was kind of boring. But when he could rip apart their techniques and monologue about things they should have done, it was much more entertaining for him. Maybe not for Kravitz, but he never said anything. 

When Kravitz came back, he went to the side of the bed he usually slept in when he stayed over, but Taako put up a hand. “No sirree, nope,” he said, narrowing his eyes at his boyfriend humorously. “You can’t just fuckin’ get in here with your fancy ironed shirt and chinos. This is a PJ zone, my man,” he explained, and spread out his limbs like a starfish in an attempt to block Kravitz from the whole bed. 

Kravitz laughed and then went to the drawer in Taako’s dresser reserved for his things for when he stayed over. “Fine. If that’s what I have to do to, to hang out with you, I guess it’s what I’ll do.” He quickly changed into sweatpants and a soft T-shirt, and crawled into bed beside Taako. “Does this suit you, your majesty?” He asked in a manner that was both mocking and affectionate.

The elf turned down the volume of the show to a soft background noise level. He then snuggled close to Kravitz’s side, reaching up and rearranging his dreadlocks. He enjoyed the way the reaper’s soft feathered wings encircled them like a blanket. “I think it’s alright, but it could use more pizazz. A little more glam.” He giggled and tapped Kravitz’s nose playfully. 

The reaper scrunched up his nose in response. “You just have to boop my nose, don’t you?” He smiled and reached to grab Taako’s hand, interlocking their hands. Like before, he lifted their hands and kissed Taako’s. 

“It’s a fucking necessity. You know this by now, bubbeleh,” he explained with glee. He closed his eyes and let his head rest on the pillow. It was a nice moment.

After a few moments of relaxed silence, Kravitz began speaking tentatively. “You know… about yesterday. You don’t have to, to explain if you don’t want to. But I’m, I’m here to listen if you do.”

Taako leaned his head against his boyfriend. “You’re being so fuckin’ nice about it. It’s hard to leave you hangin’ without an explanation, my dude,” he paused, swallowing and choosing his words carefully. “But like, it has to do with things about me that you don’t... necessarily know?” His voice raised in pitch as if he was asking a question. 

His throat started closing as if he was close to tears. He coughed to hide it, and continued. “And I’m not about being a fucking Debbie downer, wet blanket bitch,” he stated. “So it’s really gods-damned hard for me to talk about this shit without feeling bad about ruining someone’s mood.” It was just an excuse, for sure, but it was at least somewhat true. The real reason was that he felt so damn vulnerable talking about it that he felt an anxiety attack coming on already.

Kravitz stroked his hand over Taako’s head in a very comforting manner, feeling that he was tensing up with discomfort. “You don’t have to tell me unless it’s what you want. Don’t feel like you have to.”

Taako sighed, leaning away from him and opening his eyes to make a show of rolling them. “Fuck, that’s exactly what I’m talking about though,” he pointed out. His voice took on a teasingly accusatory tone. “It’s reverse fucking psychology, you sly bastard.” His tail was still moving from side to side in a twitchy, nervous fashion.

Kravitz chuckled and shrugged. “I don’t want you to, to feel like you have to hide stuff from me, love. I’m not trying to manipulate you.” Taako rolled away from Kravitz and laid on his back, looking up at the ceiling. His chest hurt, feeling how much Kravitz really did love him, and how much he knew he didn’t deserve it. How he deserved someone who could talk honestly with him, instead of Taako. Fuck. He wished he was fucking normal and didn’t have to deal with all this shit.

“I know. And I love you for that,” he replied after a few moments of thought. “But for realsies, it’s just really fuckin’ tough to actually talk about my emotions, boy howdy.” Taako covered his face with his hands and breathed deeply for a few moments to steel his resolve. He wanted so badly to confide in the reaper, but felt like iron bars were between him and that goal.

His demeanor was serious and quiet now. The tip of his tail was thumping on the bed as he moved it around, clearly stuck in indecision and discomfort. Kravitz took his hand, trying to show his love even as Taako struggled to open up to him. Taako closed his eyes hard and sighed, his ears flattened on his head. “I guess I’ll tell you some shit. As much as I can, anyway. Have I mentioned it’s hard for me to talk about personal garbage?” He laughed nervously. “But like, I don’t want you to think I’m damaged goods. Babe, and I know this sounds really fucking insecure, you gotta promise not to judge me.” He looked up at Kravitz with uncertainty, clearly needing comfort.

Kravitz rolled on his side and looked at Taako, serious and calm. “I promise, dear. And I know you aren’t damaged goods. I love you.” Taako turned his head to look at him and smiled. He seemed sad.

Well, maybe starting with what happened the previous night would work. “Do you know what dissociation is, Krav?” The reaper shook his head. He hadn’t heard of it before Lup said the word the night before. Taako was staring up at the ceiling to avoid Kravitz’s gaze while he spoke, his voice shaking a little. “It’s when… when you go through tough shit, sometimes, your brain tries to protect itself any way it can. And sometimes that’s a fucking bad thing. Like, it separates your active consciousness from what’s going on around you. So you don’t really feel what’s happening, if you’re getting- or, like, you don’t feel like you experience it firsthand, even if you’re vaguely aware of what’s happening. Like you’re watching it happen to someone else.” He sighed, his tail still moving with anxiety and irritation. “It’s like, at one point it was helpful. If you were being, uh, if something was happening, you could just check out. Like, Taako’s out, hombre.” He fidgeted in distress, almost slipping up and sharing more than he meant to a couple of times. The thought made him feel cold.

Kravitz rubbed Taako’s arm, concerned and wanting to show he cared. “Did you feel, uh, last night, that you had to… check out?” He seemed worried. But Taako could also hear some hurt in his boyfriend’s voice.

Taako turned on his side to look him in the eye. “Fuck, no! No, no. I absolutely loved our date, it was the best thing ever,” he said with full sincerity. “It’s just, I can’t control when it happens, and it’s kind of fucking inconvenient, as you can tell. Don’t take it personally, babe.”

The pair fell silent for a few moments. “Does it… hurt? As in, are you scared when it happens? Is there some way I could comfort you when, when you dissociate?” Kravitz was taking this seriously and genuinely interested in learning how to support him, which Taako appreciated. But he wasn’t used to this kind of emotional support, even after dating him for months now. It almost scared him from how strange it felt.

Taako fidgeted nervously, lightly tugging on one ear as he thought. He didn’t even realize he was doing it, but it was a definite tell for when he was anxious. “Kind of? Like, I get scared, then it’s like my mind drifts away. So I’m scared but I feel nothing at the same time, if ya follow? But like, I do get scared if someone touches me while it happens, sometimes.” He grimaced. “Ugh, this sounds like I’m for reals crazy. Just throw me in the loony bin already.” 

Kravitz took Taako’s hand and held onto it gently. Carefully, like Taako was made of glass or something. “You aren’t crazy, love. You’re just… dealing with things. In your own way.” He lifted a wing over himself to rest it over Taako, as if to shield him from the world.

The elf scoffed and leaned his head against Kravitz’s chest for a few seconds. It conveniently showed affection while keeping his face away from possible eye contact. “If you say so, my man.” 

“So, it just happens… because it’s something your brain is used to doing? From the past?” Kravitz asked, trying his best to understand. He found himself thinking he desperately wanted to protect Taako from something that hurt him enough to make his brain do something like this. 

Taako’s eyes moved down to study a little hole in Kravitz’s sleeping shirt. Opening up was hard enough. Looking someone in the eyes while being emotionally vulnerable was definitely not on the table. “Yeah, something like that. It usually starts with, ah, it gets triggered by something, that reminds me of it too much. And, the night before that one, y’know, I had a night terror directly related to the thing I was reminded of, so it all fucking got away from me and made me dissociate like a gods-damned mess.” 

Kravitz leaned his forehead against Taako’s. “Do you mind if I, if I hug you? Would that be okay right now? Because, uh, I don’t-“ He was interrupted by Taako hugging him tightly. He returned the hug and rubbed Taako’s back. “I love you, Taako. I hope you know, you know that this doesn’t change that.” He felt a bit of wetness on his shirt as Taako secretly cried a couple of tears onto his shoulder, and felt Taako nod against him. 

The reaper turned up the volume on the Fantasy Netflix so that Taako could maybe be cheered up by a shitty cooking show. Then he was surprised by something he hadn’t heard before, some sort of rumbling noise. Was that… what was that? “Taako? Are you alright?” He asked, looking at the elf, his eyebrows furrowed. 

Taako blushed, feeling a little embarrassed. It was the first time he’d gotten vulnerable enough in front of his boyfriend to do this. He pulled away from cuddling Kravitz’s chest so he could look at his boyfriend’s face, trying not to look self-conscious but failing miserably. “I, uh, I’m purring? I only do it when my emotions are kind of all over the place, my fella,” he answered. “It’s kind of a comfort thing? It’s not like, I don’t really do it most of the time unless I need to, or like, if it would help.”

“How did I not know you could, you could purr until now?” Kravitz demanded with a grin and kissed Taako’s forehead. “That is so adorable.” Obviously he had heard Lup purr, as she was much more open about her emotions – but he truly didn’t know Taako had that ability.

Taako grumbled and put his face back against Kravitz’s chest to hide his face. “Take that back, skullman.” Then they both laughed, starting with giggles and building up to the kind that gives you tears of joy. The couple was glad to be able to get back to some level of normal. And then they watched the dumb cooking show, and Taako made fun of everything to do with the cooking, and Kravitz adored his boyfriend even if his taste in shows was less than desirable.


	7. Blueberry Wine

It was that same day’s evening, almost at 7 PM. Kravitz had left in the afternoon after Taako asked for some alone time to maybe sort through his emotions and relax some. Taako time is important, and his boyfriend respects that, thankfully. But after a couple of hours to clear his mind, Taako found himself needing company again, so he put on some acceptable clothes (nothing too flashy, only a little bit of glitter today) and headed to the living room, first dolling himself up to keep up the façade of normalcy.

Maybe he’d have more coffee. It’s fucking addictive. It should come with a warning label, for reals. 

Just at that moment Merle trudged into the house with his big loud dwarf boots. “Hail and well met,” Taako called out with a dramatic wave, purposefully sounding bored and indifferent. Merle huffed and walked into the kitchen, hopping onto a barstool with only a little bit of difficulty. 

“Do you know how hard it is to get people to listen to me when I talk about the Extreme Teen Bible? It’s like nobody cares about Pan,” the dwarf grumbled. Then he paused and noticed Taako pouring himself some coffee. “Oh, caffeine,” he said, noticing the coffee and perking up from his lousy mood. “Wouldja mind giving me a mug? That’s just what I need right now, man.”

Taako passed him a mug of black coffee. “You and me both, my dude,” he replied. “Although it’s weird you like it black. Not even any cream. Un-fucking-believable.” 

Merle laughed and twiddled his beard, which had become like a default motion since it grew down to his chest. “Nothing but the pure stuff for me, man. You couldn’t get me to take coffee any other way.”

After a few moments of peaceful coffee drinking, Merle somberly started talking. “Taako,” he said, and paused. “Last night, I heard someone sounding pretty upset. I don’t know if it was you or someone you were with in your room, but. If you need someone to talk to, you know. I’m… here.” He was awkwardly twiddling his beard between his thumb and forefinger, his classic indication of nervousness.

Taako rolled his eyes, not even considering it for a moment. “Okay, Dad,” he answered sarcastically. “But yeah, cha’ boy is peachy keen, my dude. A small moment of weakness for sure, but I’m all aces now.” He took another sip of coffee, eyes averted from the dwarf’s.

Merle nodded. “I’m glad to hear it. By the way, did you hear what Mookie got up to yesterday? It was such a mess…” Hearing that Merle had started talking about his kids, Taako felt it was safe to zone out, only gesturing with his ears or saying “wow, I know!” or “yeah, for sure” whenever Merle paused and waited for a response. It was comfortable and familiar. Domestic, even.

Lucretia opened the front door at that moment, arriving home after spending some time elsewhere. Probably working with the Bureau of Benevolence. “Hello, friends,” she greeted them in her soft, formal voice. She looked kind of tired.

“How ya doin’, homeslice?” Taako asked, leaning against the counter and finishing his cup of coffee. Merle gave her a small wave with his wooden hand.

The dark-skinned woman sighed and ran her hand through her contrastingly white hair. “You know how it is. Being Madame Director isn’t the easiest job in the world.” She cracked a smile at them. “I try my best, regardless.”

Taako rolled his eyes. “Don’t be humble. That job is hard as fuck, and you’re rocking it, darling.” She stared at him for a moment, surprised at the compliment. He didn’t sincerely give them out often.

“Oh, thank you, Taako,” she replied, joining them in the kitchen and sitting beside Merle on a barstool. “Do you two have plans for tonight? I was thinking of having everyone spend some time together. It’s been a while since everyone was in the same place at the same time… We’re pretty busy nowadays.” 

Merle nodded. “Oh, yeah,” he agreed. “We should have a weekly family dinner or something just to make sure we see actually see each other for once.” He didn’t notice the way Taako grimaced at the word ‘family’ and kept talking. “Oh Pan, I don’t think I’ve even talked to Davenport in a week.” Lucretia laughed, leaning forward and plucking one of the flowers out of the vase on the counter. It was wilting while the others were still fresh. She twirled it in her fingers.

“Should we go out to dinner? Or play games? I don’t even know how to convince everyone it will be fun and they should come. You know this bunch.” She gestured with the flower in a noncommital way. 

Taako grinned, lifted his ears and tail high in excitement, and slapped his hand on the kitchen counter beside the coffee machine, where he was still hanging about even if he’d finished his drink. “Alcohol, baby!” he cried out. “That’ll reel ‘em in every time, my man.” 

Merle cheered. “I still have that blueberry wine Carey gave me for last Candlenights,” he said, getting excited about it. “You know how fucked up we got on it last time.” Taako walked up to him and gave him a high five, his tail waving with excitement. 

Lucretia sighed. “If that’s the way we know everyone will come to the gathering, then I guess it’s settled.” 

And so the three called the others on their stones of farspeech, and after only an hour everyone was in the living room. “Now, my dudes, the point of this is to hang out, not get shwasted,” Taako said in a stern voice, then brightened into his normal tone with a mischievous glint in his eye. “But I don’t fuckin’ care. Go wild, my dudes,” which earned him some chuckles from the people lounging about in the big, comfortable chairs and couches. 

Six large bottles of blueberry wine were carried in by Merle, and they cheerfully began uncorking it and pouring themselves glasses in the fancy wineglasses Taako insisted they buy when they moved in. Taako, Lucretia, Merle, Magnus, Lup, Barry, and Davenport were there. But it felt like there were some people missing.

Taako leaned against Lup dramatically from where he was sitting on the sofa beside her. “Hey Fruit-Luuuup,” he began, giving her puppy eyes. In response she lightly shoved him, not enough to knock him off her though. “Would it be good if I called up Krav and Ango? This social circle isn’t just made up of the IPRE team, ya know.” She shrugged, and Taako took that as a yes.

Magnus whooped. “Oh hell yeah! What about Avi?” They hadn’t spent a lot of time with the dude recently, not since they moved off of the moon base. And he knew Carey and Killian were out of town on vacation that week, so they couldn’t be there.

The others seemed unsure. They knew the others of course, they just didn’t feel like… they were fully a part of the group, yet. Not the way this group had become so close after traveling together for 100 years. But, there’s no reason to exclude others, so after nobody said anything against it, Taako and Magnus started calling people up.

“Hey bone-daddy,” Taako said into his stone of far speech as soon as he pressed the button to call Kravitz. He heard fumbling on the end of the line, probably Krav trying to get the stone out of his pocket. “We’re gonna drink blueberry wine. You gotta get in on this, my dude.” 

“Taako,” Kravitz hissed. “I’m in the Raven Court. We can talk later.” And the line went dead. Taako started laughing until he was bent over. 

“Oh, gods,” he giggled, tears in his eyes after laughing so hard, his ears lifted high in amusement. “Oh, man. I just called him bone-daddy in front of his boss. This is the best day ever.” Lup and Barry thought it was really funny, too. Lucretia looked like the secondhand embarrassment was physically affecting her. 

Then Magnus piped up. “Avi’s on his way. Taako, you better call Angus. He likes you the best.” 

Taako huffed and rolled his eyes in response. “As if,” he responded, pretending that he wasn’t nearly as fond of the kid as he really was. “But sure, if you’re too fuckin’ lazy, I’ll hit him up.” Angus, too, was on speed dial for Taako, and then he said into the stone, “What’s up, Agnes? Come party with the cool kids. Cha’ boy’s got wine.” 

Angus answered immediately. “Oh, Taako! Hello, sir! Uhh, I’m not sure that drinking alcohol is an option for me, and you know I do homework in the evenings. We can hang out tomorrow, though!” Taako shrugged, as if Angus could tell.

Sounding indifferent, he replied, “Sure, pumpkin. I’ll call ya in the morning about it.” After Angus said goodbye in an excessively cheery and polite way, Taako leaned back against the back of the couch. “Well, Krav and Ango are out, but at least we got Avi.” He shrugged and put his arm around Lup, on top of Barry’s that was already across her shoulders. She purred comfortably. When Barry looked over at him with narrowed eyes for laying his arm across his, he stuck out his tongue back at him mockingly.

Davenport stretched and sighed. He looked comically short in the huge wingback armchair he was sitting in. He’d finished his first glass of blueberry wine. Merle looked over and noticed that. “Hey man, this stuff has a high alcohol content. It’s just masked by the fact that it tastes like blueberry pancakes.” 

Davenport glared at him, bristling his little mustache indignantly. “I can pace myself just fine, old man.” But another glass later and he was red-faced and loud. Well, being half the size of everyone else does tend to make someone a lightweight, even if they are a captain. 

The front door opened and Avi let himself in, not bothering to knock. “What’s up, buds?” he asked, munching on some snack food.

“Avi, darling, seriously. Are those chocolate-dipped Doritos? What the fuck?” Lup asked, her smile relaxed and easy. The only indicator of the several glasses of blueberry wine she had at that point was in her blushing ears. Her tail was tangled with Taako’s affectionately. 

Johann barked at the new visitor, and Avi laughed. “Don’t you dare give him one of those!” Magnus shouted, his voice even louder than usual from the alcohol. “Chocolate kills dogs!!”

“Easy, man. I’m not that fuckin’ stupid,” Avi replied with his lazy grin, walking over and plopping down on the couch, forcing Taako to be squished in the center with Lup instead of being on the edge like he preferred. He grumbled and adjusted without too much complaining, though. “Now gimme some of that wine. It must be the good stuff. You’ve barely broken into it and everyone already looks buzzed.”

“Well, some people know how to pace themselves,” Lucretia said in her holier-than-thou voice, before hiccupping. She laughed sheepishly. “Apparently that doesn’t include me.” Barry and Davenport thought this was way too funny. The group’s conversation and laughter echoed throughout the house for hours. 

At around midnight, Kravitz joined the group, and made Avi sit in the big armchair with Davenport (“It could fit both of you gentlemen,” he insisted, and was absolutely right) so he could be beside Taako on the couch. He refrained from drinking, and after only a little bit of teasing did Merle and Lup give up on that endeavor. 

At this point Taako was getting a little close to wasted. Everything was funny. Kravitz wearing a tie at a get-together where everyone is dressed casually and drunk was hilarious. Barry and Merle falling asleep in their seats instead of going up to bed was amusing. When Johann jumped up on the armchair and it fit the dog, Davenport, and Avi all in one chair, Taako laughed until he fell on the floor. 

“Okay, love,” Kravitz said, taking Taako’s hand and pulling him up to stand, leaning a wing down to support his boyfriend at the elbow. “I think it might be, might be time to hit the hay, so to speak. Think you can make it up the stairs?” He was fondly looking at his boyfriend as he giggled and rubbed his eye with a fist, smearing his makeup. After Taako nodded, Kravitz said goodnight to the others for them both and helped lead the elf back up to his room. He thoughtfully brought along a glass of water for his tipsy boyfriend. The things he does for this guy, seriously.

“Yer such a good guy, Krav,” Taako drawled as Kravitz removed his jewelry and set it on the bedside table for him. “You treat me right. Not like my fuckin’ family. I got you now.” He was looking at the reaper with those adoring half-lidded eyes. “You’d always be… You’d never give me a concussion…” Kravitz was a little worried he didn’t know what he was saying. It was starting to sound like nonsense. Affectionate nonsense, but still a little hard to parse. Then Taako was leaning against Kravitz, half asleep. He shook the elf awake. 

“Taako, you have to, to drink this water. It’ll make you feel better in the morning.” He handed him the glass of water, prompting him to drink. Taako obediently took a sip, then as if realizing how thirsty he was, he downed the glass. Then he laid down and got under the sheets, still wearing his day clothes. 

“Will you stay?” Taako grabbed his hand. He was uncharacteristically serious for being under the influence of alcohol. 

Kravitz usually left so Taako could sleep alone. It’s what he almost always wants. Having someone see him when he has nightmares puts him in a situation a little more vulnerable than he’s comfortable having someone see, even his boyfriend. Understandably, Kravitz paused. “Are you sure, dear?” He asked gently, smoothing out Taako’s hair fondly. 

Taako nodded and pulled the sheets up closer to his chin. He seemed to be dozing off already. Kravitz put on some PJs that were in his drawer and then joined him, turning out the lights. He thought his boyfriend was already asleep, but Taako surprised him by wriggling closer to him then giving him a tight hug. “Thank you for taking care of me,” he mumbled.

Kravitz smiled. “Of course. You don’t have to, to thank me, Taako.” 

But the elf stubbornly shook his head. “No, I do. It’s not… not something people do for me.” Kravitz got that nervous feeling again, that Taako would spill his emotions while drunk, when he didn’t have as much of a filter. It would almost be betraying his trust to listen to what he says in this state, when he couldn’t protect his emotional privacy as well.

“Go to sleep, babe,” Kravitz said softly, kissing the top of his head. So he did.


	8. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> particularly triggering chapter

After only a short amount of time Kravitz and Taako were deeply asleep. But Taako was fighting darkness in his mind. 

He was on the moonbase, before it had gotten rebuilt by the Bureau of Benevolence, back to how it looked when the party lived there between missions. But it was completely empty. There were no sounds of bustling workers running about on their work errands, or people training their fighting skills, or the voidfish singing. It was entirely silent, and it sent chills up Taako’s spine.

He got a sense of something wrong. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. He sprinted down the hallways to his room. It was just as he expected it to be, but Magnus and Merle weren’t in the suite. Taako couldn’t shake the sense of imminent danger. Then he had a thought that set his nerves on edge: Was Angus safe?

He ran faster than he knew he could to the part of the moon base where he knew Angus lived. “Ango?!” he cried out, bursting into the room. It looked totally normal. Except for Angus.

He was laying on the ground, blood in a small pool around where his head rested. He had a swollen black eye and a split lip. From where you could see his arms sticking out of his short sleeve shirt, they were awfully bruised and had bleeding welts. Taako screeched in fear and fell to his knees beside Angus. He looked just like Lup, on that day he found her behind the barn on his grandfather’s farm, when he thought she was dead, after the monster had gone too far with the belts. It was the most terrifying moment of his life.

“Okay, Angus, you’re going to be okay pumpkin,” he said, starting to weep. “We can, we can take you to the medical dome, and Merle can fix you up, and you’re going to be just fine.” But his chest wasn’t moving with any intakes or exhales of breath. He was still and cold. 

When Taako realized that his beloved protégé was dead, he backed away in denial and grief. But just then, Angus’s head turned toward him, and his eyes opened. “You did this to me,” he rasped.

“Oh gods Ango, no! I would never, I could never do something like this to you!” Taako responded in shock, and moved to get nearer to Angus, to help him. But he looked down, and in his hand was a belt.

“It’s your fault,” Angus coughed. “You did this to me.” His voice got louder, and Taako dropped the belt as if it had burned his hand. He grasped his head in his hands, covering his ears, trying to block out the voice, shaking in grief and terror. 

But just when he was going to lose it, a hand dropped on his shoulder. He was filled with a sense of peace. The fear and sadness drained out of him, replaced by calm. He watched as the scene around him turned to gray, then to white. He was in a white room, clean and pure, with no blood or anything that frightened him. 

Taako stood up and turned around. Standing there was a tall woman, beautiful and serene, knitting a long, long scarf that went further than he could imagine. “Taako,” her soft voice echoed throughout the room. Although it was quiet, it felt like every cell in his body was attuned to listen to it. 

“Be calm, my friend. These night terrors aren’t real.” She shook her head, and met his eyes. He stared back in silence, hanging on to every word. “You have to stop fighting the forces of fate, Taako,” she said gently, looking down at him with pity. He found that he couldn’t speak. “The more you fight, the more it hurts. Stop fighting, Taako.” She reached out and placed a hand on top of his head. Then he closed his eyes and entered a deep, dreamless sleep.

In the morning, around 8 AM, Taako woke up slowly. Waking up late on a Sunday morning is one of the best feelings in the world. It was luxurious, with no fear making him shudder, no horrible scenes flashing behind his eyes, no reason to be anxious or scared at all. Just a comfortable, restful awakening to gentle sunlight meeting the white curtains of his window. He opened his eyes, and turned his head to look at Kravitz. The reaper was sitting up, looking over his work notebook, pondering something or other. Taako said, “Hey babe,” greeting him in a soft voice barely above a whisper. 

Kravitz seemed surprised, his wings twitching as he looked up. “Oh, you’re awake,” he responded. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” Taako shook his head. “Do you have a hangover?” he asked with a teasing smile. “You had a lot of fun last night.”

Taako giggled and sat up. “Nah. Ol’ Taako’s tougher than that. And I think there was some divine intervention involved.”

Kravitz paused, closed his notebook, and turned to face him. “What makes you say that?”

The elf stretched and yawned, rolling onto his side to face Kravitz, looking up at his face. “My buddy Istus dropped by in my dream last night. Said some confusing shit. But she made me feel better, for sure.”

After a moment of pondering, his boyfriend answered, “Well, that’s good, I suppose. She didn’t give you any assignment, did she?” Taako confirmed that she didn’t. He didn’t even normally have any official duties for her anyway. “Anyway, Raven Queen and Lady Istus are fairly close. It’s amusing an emissary of death and an ambassador of fate are dating,” he said, elbowing Taako gently. He laughed, and sat up to lean against the headboard, cuddling up to Kravitz’s side. 

The reaper enveloped him in his wing. It was a habit at this point, one Taako very much liked.

“I don’t think that’s the reason she visited me. She actually said something fairly fuckin’ specific. Apparently I’m fighting fate, which sounds like I’m doing a pretty bad job as her ambassador, but that isn’t what she said. She just said to stop fighting.” They both sat in silence for a moment, wondering what the meaning of the dream was. Seeing Kravitz’s confused face, Taako commented with a shrug, “I don’t fuckin’ get it either, my dude. Anyway, she helped me out of a nightmare, which is very much appreciated. Hell yeah.” He feigned indifference, but felt something in his belly twist in fear remembering the terrifying dream.

“Maybe she’s been trying to, to tell you something but you’ve been ignoring her?” the reaper suggested, his mind still on her cryptic message. Taako fondly looked at how Kravitz placed his index finger on his chin when he was deep in thought, like a fucking cartoon character. 

After a moment, Taako responded. “The thing is, I don’t think she has. I mean, I haven’t been really wanting to do something but stopping myself from doing it. I think.” Upon saying that out loud, Taako realized he was wrong. He had been fighting a feeling within himself. The need to talk about his past. He’d been shoving it down within himself every time the urge came up because even considering it made him feel like a nervous wreck. Kravitz watched as Taako’s expression went from a sleepy, happy expression to a dark, anxious one.

He nudged Taako’s shoulder with his own. “Don’t be so worried, dear,” he quietly told him. “You’ll get it when the time is right. That’s what fate’s all about, right? Waiting for the right time?” He paused to consider what he had said. “Or maybe acting when you think the time might be right? I don’t actually know. That’s the reason I work for Raven Queen and not Lady Istus,” he commented with a chuckle. Taako leaned his head on his shoulder, not laughing at his joke but at least seeming a little less worried. Kravitz wrapped his arm around him comfortingly, holding him close. 

All too soon, Taako sat up with a start. “Oh, shit! I told Ango I’d call him this morning,” he stated with alarm. And he felt his heart start beating fast, his mouth dry. It would be hard to see Angus only hours about having a nightmare involving him. But it would be good to see him safe and well, confirming for sure that the dream was only that. A dumb nightmare. He flicked his ears in irritation at himself.

He got up, realizing he was still in his dayclothes. “Damn, I didn’t even make it into my jammies last night? What a fucking mess.” Kravitz laughed quietly. Well, at least his stone of far speech was in his pocket. He pressed the spot on the stone that would speed dial Angus and started speaking into the stone. “Hey Ango, you awake yet? It’s like 8:30.” 

After a moment, the stone crackled to life. “Hello, sir! I’ve been awake for a couple of hours. I actually finished my homework early so we could hang out today.” He could just hear the kid’s excited grin through the stone. “And it’s Sunday, so I don’t have to go to the study group today.” 

“That’s great, pumpkin. How about I show up with Krav in an hour? We can go shopping or something.” He could hear the small cheer through the stone, and Angus’s happy agreement, then his polite farewell. 

Kravitz lifted an eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware I was going shopping with you two today. Or being your taxi service.” He was clearly amused.

Taako grinned and hopped back onto the bed, crawling into Kravitz’s lap. “You’re not just a taxi service,” he said in a cheeky tone, “you’re also my super hot boyfriend. The arm candy goes great with my outfits.” Kravitz kissed him in lieu of bantering with him. 

An hour later, when everyone was showered and dressed and presentable for the day, Taako and Kravitz stepped through the rift in reality and arrived in Angus’s dorm room at the Academy of Magical Studies. It was meant for advanced wizards and masters wanting to improve their skills. Certainly Angus’s age made him stick out, but his skills matched his classmates’, so he deserved his spot at the Academy.

“What’s up, Agnes?” Taako greeted him with a lazy wave. Kravitz nodded as a hello. Angus immediately started talking.

“Oh, hello, sirs! I was just studying the spell Phantom Steed. That’s what you use to summon Garyl, right, Taako? I was trying to figure out what I should name my horse. Do you think Fireworks is a good name?”

Taako nodded, appeasing the kid, who started rattling off other spells he was working on or had mastered in a ridiculously short amount of time. “Boy howdy, that’s a chatty one,” he muttered under his breath, making Kravitz chuckle. 

Then they were walking out of the Academy into the surrounding city of Neverwinter, with its bustling metropolitan streets and beautiful river. Taako sent Kravitz a little smile as they passed the streetlight they had kissed under a few nights ago, and Kravitz returned the smile, sharing the same happy memory. Angus walked ahead of them, a definite bounce in his step from how happy he was to spend the day with the pair. 

Taako noticed a bookstore on the corner of the street they were walking down. “Hey, Ango,” he called out. “This looks like a nerdy store, so I know you’ll like it.” Angus elbowed him as he passed, laughing, and stepped into the store. A few minutes later, Angus was holding the newest Caleb Cleveland book to his chest, beaming. Taako had refused to let him pay for it and covered the cost, which Kravitz found very endearing. He’d also pretended that making the kid happy didn’t spread the joy to himself as well, keeping his face relatively stoic, but his waving tail gave him away.

They visited clothing stores, art galleries, and the such, just window shopping and seeing the sights instead of seriously looking for things to buy. Kravitz stopped them after a couple of hours and kissed Taako on the cheek. “I’ve got to head out for some work, but call me when you want me to bring you home,” he told them, patting Angus on the shoulder. 

Taako rolled his eyes at the affection and bumped his shoulder against his boyfriend’s. “Okay, we get it,” he said nonchalantly, the tips of his ears blushing at the kiss. “Go eat some souls or whatever.” Kravitz laughed as he stepped through a rip in reality he created with the scythe that appeared in his hands, and disappeared. 

After spending more time together, talking about everything and nothing, it was approaching one in the afternoon. Taako had found that his nervousness relating to his earlier nightmare had completely left him, and he was glad he’d decided to visit the kid. Bantering and mocking each other, laughing and even having races down the sidewalk at times, he felt his stress draining away. 

After one such race, he stopped and pretended to pant hard, leaning down to put his hands on his knees. “You’re so fucking fast, Angus,” he said dramatically. “I had no idea what I was doing challenging you, my dude.” Angus shoved him jokingly in retaliation, and Taako ruffled his curly hair affectionately, standing up now.


	9. Anxiety Attack

All too soon, the peaceful and happy scene changed. Some jerk rushed past them on the sidewalk, pushing Angus aside like a blade of grass, elbowing Taako as he passed. “Hey, you rude fuck,” Taako yelled at his retreating back. But his anger was interrupted by a pained sigh. Angus was crouching on the ground, and Taako kneeled down beside him with worry.

It was only a scraped knee. But the sight of blood on Angus made it feel like his world shifted on its side. Taako’s head began feeling fuzzy and dizzy, and his breathing became uneven. It was just like his nightmare. It was happening all over again. It was his fault.

“I’m okay, sir,” Angus assured him, not looking up yet, wiping the blood off with a handkerchief and even placing on a handy bandaid he kept in his detective kit. “I’m just fine. You want to stop by that candy shop we saw earlier?” he asked, standing up. But Taako kept kneeling, his breathing becoming faster, his eyes unfocused. Then Angus really looked at Taako and knew something was wrong. He was looking truly upset in public, and Angus knew that was something Taako almost never showed willingly.

“Uh, sir?” Angus asked, stopping in confusion. He reached down and grabbed Taako’s hand, pulling up to help him stand, but he didn’t even try to get up. “A-are you okay, Taako?” He noticed Taako grabbing his ears and tugging them downward in distress, his breathing far too shallow and fast to be normal. He’d closed his eyes tightly now. “Sir, you have to answer me,” Angus demanded, a bit of fear showing clearly through his voice. But Taako didn’t respond. 

Using his detective skills, Angus knew this had to be a health problem, some sort of attack that came on quickly. But he didn’t know enough to help Taako through it, because he was only a little boy. But he knew someone who probably could help him. After a tense moment, he grabbed his stone of far speech and called Kravitz.

“You guys already bored without me?” Kravitz answered, his voice light and teasing. “I thought you were going to spend the whole day together.” 

“No, it’s not that,” Angus answered, his young voice sounding strained. “It’s- it’s Taako. Something’s wrong, sir. You need to come here. Now,” he spoke in a serious tone, kneeling beside Taako on the sidewalk. 

A few seconds later, Kravitz appeared, stepping out of the rift in his skeletal form, his skeletal wings spread wide. It was his natural instinct to appear intimidating when he was frightened. “What’s happening?” he demanded, not angry with anyone, but just stressed and worried about his boyfriend. Angus replied that he didn’t know, but they needed to move him somewhere he felt safe, not a public sidewalk. 

Kravitz agreed. “Taako, I’m here,” he said quietly, crouching at his face level. He reached out and gently removed one of the elf’s hands from tugging his ears, holding it with his own instead. Taako opened one eye to look at him. “I can’t- I can’t breathe,” he gasped, tears forming in his eyes. Angus wrung his hands together nervously, looking at the elf with wide eyes. 

The reaper called forth his scythe and tore a hole in the air beside Taako. “We’re going home, okay?” he said softly, and tried to pull him up to stand like Angus had. He didn’t feel steady enough to stand, so Kravitz picked up Taako bridal style to bring him through the portal, Angus accompanying them to make sure his mentor was going to be alright. 

Stepping into Taako’s bedroom, he gently placed him on his bed, laying on his side. Taako curled up on his side, his ears flattened against his head in distress, his tail between his legs, his whole body trembling. The worst part was his hyperventilating. It was loud and harsh. 

“Angus, go fill up this glass with water in the bathroom,” Kravitz told the boy, handing him the glass Taako had drank out of the night before. He nodded and quickly went to do as the reaper requested, hoping to do all he could to help Taako. 

Kravitz pulled two chairs beside the bed so they could sit beside where Taako laid on the edge of the bed. He moved Taako’s hands away from his ears so they couldn’t tug. It was something he did when he was anxious, Kravitz knew. Either he was in a lot of pain, really sick, or really, really scared. There was no way for Kravitz to know other than to wait and hope for the best.

Angus returned less than thirty seconds later. “I don’t think he can drink any yet, but thank you,” Kravitz said to him quietly. He realized that the kid was scared, and grabbed his hand. “You’re doing great, Angus. You did the right thing by calling me.” Angus nodded, and stared at Kravitz’s skeletal hand. “Oh, sorry,” the reaper said with a start, morphing into his other form, the one that was much less off-putting to others. “Now let’s figure out what’s wrong with Taako. Can you hear me, dear?” 

Taako nodded, but didn’t appear to be able to speak. Tears were flowing freely from his eyes, but his breathing was fast, too fast. Angus stepped closer. “Sir, I have a suggestion. Taako, you need to breathe slower. I know it seems like you can’t. But try holding your breath for a second, and exhaling slowly if possible. You’ll feel better, I promise,” he said seriously, holding Taako’s other hand. 

After a few shaky breaths, his breathing appeared to get more manageable and less out of control. It almost immediately became interspersed with strained purrs, choppy between his irregular breaths. Angus stared in surprise. “He’s purring,” Kravitz explained quietly. “It helps him.” Angus just nodded. He knew elves in this plane didn’t normally purr, of course - but then again, Taako was from another planet entirely, so purring was actually a possibility. It was like his ears, long with rounded tips like a rabbit, so unlike the sharp ears of the elves on this plane.

Kravitz rubbed Taako’s arm encouragingly. “That’s good, your breathing is getting better.” A couple of minutes later, with two of the people he loved and trusted the most holding his hands, Taako began getting a handle of himself. He sat up. His breathing was at a normal speed now, but it was shaky, purrs crackling irregularly as he took breaths. He definitely needed them to help him calm down.

“I’m sorry,” he said, taking his hands back and wiping his cheeks and eyes with them. “I… ugh. My fucking makeup’s ruined,” he complained, closing his eyes tiredly for a moment. Reopening them, he said quietly, “I didn’t mean to scare you, pumpkin,” looking at Angus nervously.

The kid shook his head. “I wasn’t scared of you, sir,” he replied. “I was just scared for you. I didn’t know how to help.” He leaned in and hugged Taako.

Taako hugged him back fiercely. “You did help,” he answered, closing his eyes and purring loudly against the boy, not even realizing he was doing it. “You were there for me, and you helped me breathe all right again, which definitely isn’t nothing, darling.” Angus sniffled. 

Taako still felt guilty for scaring him enough to make him cry. “I didn’t mean for you to see me like that, ever. It wasn’t… I didn’t mean to.” He let go of Angus, holding him at arm’s length and looking him in the eye, uncharacteristically serious.

Angus nodded. “I know that, sir,” he said earnestly. “But what was that? It sounds like you already know.”

Taako let go of Angus and looked at Kravitz for a moment, then scooted back on the bed to sit cross-legged. His tail wrapped around him in a self-protective manner. He grabbed the box of tissues from the bedstand and started cleaning up his face some, removing the running makeup as best he could. “Yeah, I do.” 

Kravitz offered him the glass of water, which he accepted gratefully. Then he felt the need to talk to them. Tell them everything. Say what was really hurting him, that he was scared all the time, that he couldn’t stop seeing his past and having night terrors, and he was falling apart. But he shoved all those feelings down, looked at the floor, and instead told them, “That’s what an anxiety attack looks like, fellas.” 

Angus tilted his head. “That has to do with anxiety disorders, right, sir? They mentioned that in the health class at the Academy,” he said, his chatty little voice talking fast, as usual. Taako nodded and didn’t meet his eyes. The kid moved to sit on the bed beside Taako and wrapped an arm around him comfortingly. “You know you don’t have to be embarrassed, right? That it’s okay to have an anxiety disorder?” Taako sniffed and leaned against him, putting an arm around him in return.

“It’s not okay, pumpkin. None of this is okay.” He sighed and wiped his eyes again. He was much calmer now, but still irritated from how much awful negative energy struck him earlier, so the tip of his tail was twitching erratically.

Kravitz didn’t know what to do. This felt like an important moment between Angus and Taako, and he didn’t want to overwhelm his boyfriend by crowding him. “Get in here, skull boy,” Taako said with a watery smile, opening up his other arm for Kravitz to get in on the hug. He gladly moved to Taako’s side and returned the hug, wrapping his wings protectively around the three of them as well.

After a peaceful minute, Kravitz left the hug to stand up and stretch. “That was eventful,” he commented, trying to make the mood more along its normal lines. “I can get some food for you two, if you want. You didn’t have lunch yet, did you?” The two shook their heads. Kravitz headed downstairs to make them some lunch, leaving Taako and Angus alone in the room.

“Hey, sir,” Angus started quietly, then paused to think of how to say what he wanted to say. Taako waited patiently, knowing what was next. “If you don’t mind, can you explain, um, if it doesn’t make things scary for you again, can you say what caused it? The anxiety attack, I mean,” the kid rambled, stumbling through the sentence. 

Taako sighed, removing his arm from around the kid and laying flat on his back to stare up at the ceiling. Angus did the same, nestled against him. “When I saw you get hurt, it… I had a nightmare last night.” It wasn’t a cohesive answer and he knew it.

“A nightmare, sir? I’m not sure what that has to do with the anxiety attack. But I don’t know a lot about them.” Angus might be a genius, but he couldn’t know everything, and Taako didn’t mind explaining it to him. He had the kindest of intentions, and Taako knew he could trust him, as much as he could trust someone other than Lup at least. But talking about sensitive subjects like this is, of course, one of the hardest things for Taako to do, so he had to swallow down some fears to do it.

“Well, pumpkin, an anxiety attack is like… well, you saw it. But it happens because something triggers it. You see something, or hear something, or remember something, and then your brain and body just shut down, I guess,” he explained quietly. “I don’t know the science. I just know how it feels. It feels shitty, by the way.”

Angus nodded. “It looked like it didn’t feel great, sir. If that happens again… what can I do? Is there some sort of way to stop it?” He looked over at Taako, hopeful for a way to help him, but nervous that it could happen again.

“Unfortunately not, kiddo,” the elf answered, not meeting his eyes. “Just gotta let it happen. But cha’ boy does appreciate what you two did to help me. Getting the hell out of dodge was actually great.” Angus pondered over the response.

“Sir, what was the nightmare about?” the boy asked. Taako was silent, and when he tried to respond, he felt that he would choke on tears, so he didn’t even try to say anything.

Angus looked back up at the ceiling like Taako was. “If my detective work stresses you out, I’ll stop asking questions, but I’m curious, and worried about you, and the more information I have the more I feel like I can help out in the future.” 

Taako grabbed his hand, holding it tightly. Angus would normally be surprised, but after such an emotional day, Taako’s barriers were down and affection was important to help him feel secure. “I love you so damn much, Angus. I know I don’t say it, like, ever. And you probably won’t hear it again for a while, so don’t get any fucking ideas.” The kid beamed at him.


	10. Twin Time

Later that Sunday, after Taako had lunch with Angus and Kravitz in his room and spent some time watching some detective movie that Angus had been wanting to see on Fantasy Netflix, Taako was yawning. It was tiring work hyperventilating on a sidewalk. He took off all his jewelry, including the glamour earring, and he was pretending the short rest didn’t give him enough spell slots to put back on his arcane cosmetics. It was somewhat nice just spending time with these two people in a trusting atmosphere like this.

The movie ended, and Angus finally spoke in a regretful tone, “I have to go, sirs. It was nice to hang out with you, though.” He leaned in and hugged Taako, who patted his back. “I hope you feel better soon.”

“Thanks, kiddo,” he responded. “Is Kravitz taking you home?” The reaper nodded.

Then Kravitz asked Taako, “Would you like me to stop by again after I drop off Angus? Or would you prefer some quiet time?” 

“I’d love some quiet time,” Taako replied gratefully. “I think meditation could really fucking help me right now.” Kravitz fondly pushed a lock of hair behind Taako’s ear, making him smile. Then he created a portal and left with Angus through it, and Taako was alone.

He was exhausted. He laid on his back in the center of his bed, and began meditating. It was this state between being awake - aware of his surroundings and all of his senses - and retreating into his mind, examining and sorting through his recent thoughts and emotions. He packed everything negative into one big box and imagined duct taping it shut and throwing it off the cliff outside their home. Taako’s so done with that shit. 

He remembered Istus telling him to stop fighting. Well, fuck that. He can’t handle feeling those emotions right now. Actively working on processing the past? Good in theory, but it feels like his mind and heart are breaking whenever he even thinks about the past in any way. How could he possibly not fight against that? It would destroy him to delve into that garbage, he thought.

He calmly extended his senses. Like his eyes having dark vision, he had sharp hearing as well. He could hear everything happening in the house. Merle, Lup, and Barry weren’t in the house, as far as he could tell. Magnus was carving on the porch and talking to Davenport. Johann was in the kitchen with Lucretia, who was cleaning. She’s so boring, he thinks with some affection. Probably thinks cleaning is a fun activity.

He listened as far as his hearing could go. He heard the trees rustling outside, and Magnus’s training dogs playing in their enclosure beside the house. It was familiar and repetitive. The soft sounds made him feel sleepy and relaxed. He transitioned gently from meditation to sleep.

As soon as he entered into sleep, Lady Istus met him in that same white room, as if waiting for him. “Taako,” she greeted, with a gracious nod. Just like before, being in her presence calmed and refreshed him.

This time, he could speak. “Istus, I need you to tell me more,” he pleaded. “What am I fighting? How do I stop?”

She smiled. It was a knowing, gentle, pitying, loving smile. “Taako, you already know the answers you need.” She faded out of view, and disappeared.

Taako growled in frustration. “That’s not a fucking answer,” he snapped. “Really? I already know? Then why am I confused, huh?” He nearly insulted her, then at the last moment held his tongue. She wouldn’t help him if he did that, and she was a goddess, after all. Either way, she didn’t reappear. He soon woke up.

His mouth tasted awful and he could feel old makeup smeared on his face. Taako headed to the shower, brushed his teeth, preened and cleaned. He felt much better afterward, even if his eyes were puffy and he looked a little worse for wear. He put on no makeup, deciding he could go barefaced for now, in case he started crying again. At least the glamour could make him look pretty enough to pass without makeup. 

What an emotional mess he was today.

After putting his hair in loose twin braids on either shoulder, he put on a simple blue blouse with sparkle-patterned white jeans, along with flats that matched the blue of his shirt. He tied the ends of his braids in white ribbons, satisfied that even if he looked like an emotional wreck he was at least color coordinated. He pulled his wizard hat on, hoping its wide brim could help disguise that his face was so much less put together than usual.

He wanted to go downstairs to get coffee. It was five in the afternoon at this point. He decided that fuck it, the people who lived in this house are the people he trusts the most in the world (other than Krav and Ango), so it doesn’t matter if they see him after he’s been crying, without makeup. It’s his own home. He can look a mess. Right? Right. Taako’s the only one who cares about it anyway. Probably.

He sauntered down the stairs and stepped into the kitchen. Magnus waved at him from the sink, where he was washing dishes. “Taako, buddy,” he said with a big smile. “I haven’t seen you today. You been in your room all day?”

Taako scoffed and went immediately to the coffee machine, which happened to be beside the sink. It wasn’t like he was standing close to Magnus just for the comfort of being close to someone after how vulnerable he was earlier. He was carefully looking at the coffee machine as he filled it with coffee grounds, not meeting Magnus’s eyes. He didn’t want him to notice that he looked like he’d been crying, but fuck, he would notice eventually.

“No, I went with Krav and Ango to explore Neverwinter’s shopping district by the river for a few hours,” Taako answered, his voice strangly tight. He could feel his ears flattened against his head, his tail twitching nervously. Technically true, if you’re the type to consider three hours to be a few hours. But the reality is that yes, he spent most of the day in his room, trying his best to get his emotions in order. 

As far as his emotions went, it was like he’d thrown a ceramic plate against the wall and then had to glue each piece back together to try to make the plate look the same again, with how difficult it was to try to pull himself together. And even if he’d done a great job, and the plate looked really similar to how it did before, it would still be obviously full of cracks and clearly broken at some point – he felt like everyone could tell that he was falling apart inside, even if he was able to cover it up fairly well. 

Magnus interrupted his upsetting thoughts. “How are you doing? I’ve honestly spent like, all day carving and chilling out with Johann. A Sunday well-spent.” Magnus kept washing the dishes, but turned to Taako to have the conversation.

Taako was focusing on setting up the coffee machine to brew some more. He hadn’t even had any today, which was unusual, especially for so late in the day. “That sounds fun,” he said, distracted. Magnus paused from his washing, squinting at Taako, obviously taking in his puffy red eyes and lack of makeup, noticing that he didn’t even answer the question about how he was doing. Taako stoically stared straight ahead, as if him not acknowledging his emotional problems would make them go away. But then, as if realizing he was staring, Magnus turned back to the dishes and finished rinsing them. 

The coffee machine was set up to brew, so Taako walked over to the barstools and hopped up on one. He leaned forward to look at the flowers in the vase. “We should replace these tomorrow,” he observed. “They’re starting to look a little wilted, my man. We gotta keep up the class of this place. No dead flowers in Taako’s home.” He was trying to sound as nonchalant and indifferent as usual, but his voice cracked in that way that it does after someone had been upset. 

Magnus glanced at him for a moment with a pitying expression, as if wondering whether to say anything or not to comfort him. The look was not lost on Taako, and it made him feel like shit. “Seriously, I’m good, my man. You don’t gotta worry about Taako.” He waved a hand in a calm gesture.

The fighter started drying the dishes now. “If you say so,” he replied, then promptly changed the subject. “Hey, Lup wanted to cook dinner tonight, is that cool with you? I know you didn’t get to cook last night, since we had wine instead,” he said with a sheepish grin. “Even with the hangover, it was worth it.”

Taako shrugged and nodded. “Sounds good to me. Lame that you had a hangover, though. You’re showing your age, Mr. Middle-aged,” he said, the insult bouncing off of Magnus’s thick skin and making him laugh.

“I’m not even forty yet. You can’t call me middle-aged,” he responded, grinning. “And who are you to call someone old? Aren’t you like, three hundred?”

Taako put his hand on his heart, leaning back with a gasp as if scandalized. “You fiend! I’m only two hundred and thirty-two!”

Magnus whipped his head around to look at Taako. “Are you serious?” he demanded. “Wait, is that including the starblaster years?” Taako nodded, and Magnus seemed relieved, as if the thought of his friend being two whole centuries old was frightening to him.

Taako crossed his arms and leaned back in the barstool. “Lup and I started training at the Institute of Planar Research when we were a hundred and fifteen. So, yeah.” 

Magnus chuckled. “I know elves live for like a thousand years, but seriously, bud. Two hundred and thirty-two? That’s old as fuck.” Taako hopped off the barstool to check on the coffee, which was almost done brewing, and hit Magnus’s shoulder with his own in response to the jibe. It was a hard but good-natured hit, which Magnus returned, and then they were laughing and each trying to shove the other out of the kitchen. 

At the exact moment the coffee machine beeped and indicated the coffee was done, Taako called an end to the scuffle. He picked up a mug Magnus had just finished washing, just to bother him. “Hey, I just washed that!” Magnus yelped as Taako picked it up. He snickered and filled it up with coffee, adding a splash of cream and a sugar cube. 

When he had finished his coffee, curled up in his usual place on the couch, Lup walked into the house with a bundle of fresh flowers. “Fucking finally,” Taako said dramatically, lifting his wrist to his forehead as if feeling faint. “Someone is replacing those sad, wilted flowers in the kitchen. Thank Istus.” Lup grinned and smacked him in the face with the bouquet as she passed by, making him sputter. 

She replaced the flowers in the vase and gave the flowers fresh water and a little packet of plant food. “Hey, Lup,” Taako said, his voice taking on a serious note, contrasting with the happy and joking mood he had built with Magnus. “Girl, I need some twin time, STAT.” She looked up at him and flicked her shoulder-length hair away from her face with a nod.

“Where you wanna go? Because to be honest, my room is too messy to hang out in right now.” She made a face. “It’s covered in fucking blue jeans.” Hearing that, Magnus started laughing.

After he was done reacting to the joke with loud laughter and some tears from laughing too hard, Magnus straightened up. “Have fun with your twin time. I promised Merle I’d help him try to teach Mookie math. The guy’s eight and he’s still too hyperactive to learn how to add, it’s ridiculous.” With a good-natured grin, he walked out of the house, giving Taako a clap on the shoulder as he passed. 

“Ciao, Mags,” he said in response, and rolled his eyes at the extra contact. Then he turned to Lup and said, “I’d rather not go to my room right now, either. Like, it’s clean, but I’ve been in there too fuckin’ much today,” admitting that he really had been hiding like a hermit.

Lup grinned with a mischievous glint in her eye. “There’s a third option, babe.”

Taako’s ears lifted in excitement. “The roof?”

“Oh hell yeah,” Lup responded. Taako got up and gave her a high five. They walked up to Taako’s room, where he took off his hat and then cast the spell Feather Fall on them both, just in case, before they climbed out the window and scrambled up to the roof. They safely made it to the flat part of the roof, their secret hangout spot. Nobody had ever found them up there, especially since that part of the roof wasn’t visible from the ground.

Lup leaned back on her elbows, relaxing even as they were sitting several stories above the ground. “So what’s going on, Taako? Twin time requires talking, y’know.”

He was sitting cross-legged beside her, sitting up instead of lounging out in a relaxed position like his sister. “Talking is hard, bubbeleh. It’s the fucking worst.” 

She looked over at him, studying him through narrowed eyes. “If you didn’t want to talk, why did you enact the twin time clause?” Of course, she was referring to a fake law the two had made between them: asking for twin time means immediately dedicating their presence to spending time with the other, only to be used in important situations.

Taako looked up at the sky. “Because I think I need to, even if it sucks.” He slowly blew air out of his mouth. “I had an anxiety attack today when I was with Angus.” 

“How’d he handle it?” she asked, looking at him with concern. She cared about Angus, too, even if she didn’t spend nearly as much time with him as Taako did.

He shrugged. “I think it freaked him out, but he was mostly just worried about me. We watched a movie afterwards with Krav.”

She hummed softly and rested her tail on his arm, the light touch familiar and comforting. “Are you feeling settled now?”

He lifted his hand in the air, tilting it back and forth in the classic “kind of” motion. “I’m in that idiotic state where I’m like, too fucking emotional. Like, if something actually upsetting happened, I’d cry for sure. And seriously. Can you imagine crying in front of all those people down there? I’d rather fuckin’ die, my dude.” 

She giggled and pinched his ear fondly. He swatted her hand away. “They’re not going to make fun of you if you do.” He huffed.

“That’s not the point, though,” he insisted. “I can’t have them see me like that.” She stared at him for a moment.

Then she said something unexpected. “Why not?”

“Excuse me?” Taako said, turning his whole body to look at her. “Hey, I’m your brother Taako, remember? I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak? Hello?”

His sister twitched her ears, taking a few seconds before responding to put together carefully what she wanted to say. “It’s healthy to be vulnerable sometimes.”

Taako scoffed. “Being vulnerable means getting hurt, my man. Getting hurt isn’t healthy, nope. I prefer not to have my heart broken every time someone decides to drop me, thanks.” 

She rolled her eyes and smacked his arm with her tail lazily. “Come on, bro,” she said in a soft tone. “You know these people love you. It’s okay to let them in.” He made a disgusted face at her, and she laughed at his expression. 

He tried to push away the doubt of what Lup said – that the group loved him – but couldn’t. He’d spent so long emotionally distancing himself from everyone that he wasn’t sure if he could connect with anyone at that level anymore. He hoped it was true, even if the feeling was tainted by doubt.

Then he laid down on his back beside her, crossing his arms underneath his head to cushion it, staring up at the afternoon sky as the clouds swirled above. “Agree to disagree. There’s something else I needed to talk to you about, though.” She waited for him to continue. It took him a few seconds to muster the energy to say it. “Istus visited me in dreams, twice. She says I’m fighting fate, and to stop it.”

She looked at him, her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “Like, you’re trying to stop something from happening, and she wants you to quit? Or that you’re supposed to do something but you haven’t started yet?”

He shrugged. “I really don’t know. But I think I’m starting to figure it out. I want your input, though.”

After a few seconds of silence with her staring at her brother, Lup prompted him to speak, saying “………yeeeeeesss…?” until he interrupted her.

“Ugh,” he said as he reached up and flicked her ear to annoy her. She tugged his tail in response. He pulled it back to himself, glaring at her for a moment before turning serious again. “I think she wants me to talk more. Like, I’ve clearly been avoiding it.”

“Are you sure?” Lup asked cheekily. “She might be telling you to stuff it.” He elbowed her, laughing.

Taako looked back up at the sky, becoming somber again. “You know that’s not what I meant,” he started to explain. “I think I’m supposed to like… open up, maybe start dealing with my issues. But there’s so many I don’t know where to start. And each one of them is too overwhelming to even try to deal with it.” His arms were crossed in front of his chest in frustration, his tail’s tip twitching in irritation. “It’s fucking impossible. What the hell am I supposed to do? Just suffer?”

Lup sighed and turned on her side to look at her brother. “Present issues or like, dealing with the past?”

“Booooth,” he groaned, placing his hands on his face, covering it almost completely. “I can’t fucking open up to anyone, Lup. I’m scared of anyone seeing me weak, or like, fucking seeing me scared at all.” He spread his fingers to look at her with one eye. “And I feel like I’m just scared all the time now.” 

He continued with an upset whine. “It makes me so stupidly anxious to have someone so close, seeing all of me, seeing how fucked up I am. They’re not gonna fucking like what they see when it gets to that point. And I can’t even deal with thinking that someone I trust doesn’t like me, or doesn’t respect me. And if they think I’m weak they won’t respect me.” Taako stopped, coughing to hide the strain his voice had gotten as he came closer to tears.

He paused to take some deep breaths before talking again. “I don’t think they even want me around enough to deal with my issues, if I ever somehow lost my mind and wanted to open up. And I end up pushing people away because I’m scared. Then, like an insecure idiot, I get sad about feeling alone! And that’s just present issues, sis.” Taako was horrified at how much he was spilling his guts right now, but fuck, if he can’t tell Lup this shit, he couldn’t tell anyone. And that’s just too much to bear right now. She sat quietly, waiting for him to finish getting everything off his chest, listening even if she wasn’t saying anything.

He took a deep breath. “I keep having nightmares about our grandfather, stuff that happened with the caravans, even shit that happened with the Hunger, and the bullshit that happened afterward. It’s like my whole life and all my memories are taunting me.” Taako growled in frustration, lashing his tail angrily and digging his nails into his forehead. He kept his face covered as if to hide from it all. After a moment, he relaxed and pulled his hands down to rest on his chest, ensuring he wouldn’t break the skin with his sharp claw-like nails. There’s nothing like having to use foundation on a bunch of little clawmarks on the forehead.

Then he continued, clearly feeling ashamed to be admitting these things. “I dissociated when I was with Kravitz just from seeing a belt. And I had an anxiety attack today with Angus because I saw blood when he fucking skinned his knee. I’m falling apart, babe, it’s fucking embarrassing.”

Lup took his hand and rubbed it, listening to all this without interrupting him. She began purring softly, knowing the sound would comfort him. After letting him calm down without speaking for a few seconds, she started talking. “Thanks for opening up to me, Taako,” she told him. “I love you. You know I don’t judge you for any of this, okay?” He nodded, wiping away a tear that rose during his monologue.

“I keep having nightmares, too,” Lup admitted. “It’s not like I’m over what’s happened to me. To us. But I’m not having as much trouble during the day as you are right now, and I think it’s because I’m not holding all that shit in,” she said, pausing. “That’s bad for ya, babe. You can’t just carry all this baggage without addressing it at all. Like you said, it’s making you fall apart.” 

Taako tugged on his ears anxiously, and Lup batted his hands away from them when she saw him starting to do it; she’d always thought he might hurt himself with how he always did that when he was upset or nervous. Or like, make them really long or something. “But like, how do I do that? I can’t just drop it off at the nearest post office.”

She smiled fondly at him and flicked her ears in acknowledgement of his clever joke. “I talk to Barry about that shit. No, seriously,” she said, when he glanced at her in disbelief. “I’m not kidding. I haven’t told him every detail of our horrible life beginnings, but like, he knows the worst stuff, what really hurt me. And when I have a nightmare, I tell him about it, and he helps me stop being scared of it. I don’t hold anything in. I feel safe enough to talk to him about anything I need to.” Her voice showed how smitten she was with the man, and how grateful she was to have that relationship. “Like, the only reason I join you for coffee is because I know I won’t be able to fall back asleep after the nightmares, and I don’t want to just sit in bed in the dark while Barry snores.”

Taako shuffled around to get in a more comfortable position. “You make it sound so fucking easy,” he said quietly, almost a whisper. “To talk about it. I can’t even think about the fact that all this shit happened without having an anxiety attack, Lulu. How am I supposed to talk about it without falling apart?” He was nibbling his lip with one of his sharp canines, clearly in distress.

She looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “Just fall apart.” He squinted at her to determine if she was joking. She wasn’t. “I was a fuckin’ sobbing mess for days. Seriously, I was really hung up on the acceptance part, and then trying to convey what happened wrecked me. But afterward, after working through that with Barry’s help, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.” She was staring at the sky, speaking with total sincerity. 

He stared at his sister. “But how did you learn to trust Barry like that?” She looked at him and lifted an eyebrow. Oh right, they spent years and years together falling in love. “I mean, how did you decide he could see you, like, all of your heart and mind, and not be fucking terrified, my dude?”

Lup shrugged. “I trusted him enough to know he wouldn’t think of me differently after I opened up to him.” 

He squinted at her. So she trusted him enough to trust him. Useful answer. “How did you know he wouldn’t just leave you, after that? After he knew all that shit?” Now Lup was the one to look at him like she couldn’t decide if he was joking or serious. Giving him a “you know better than that” look, she turned to keep cloudwatching. 

Taako felt his heart ache. So far, he hadn’t been able to trust Kravitz like that. But was that because he wasn’t close enough to his boyfriend, or because he was just so insecure? Could he ever even reach that point, if he tried? His mind felt like it was swirling more than the clouds above.

He watched the sky with Lup, trying to relax and clear his mind. It was almost six, the golden hour, where the evening sun began making everything warm and hazy and lovely. It was beautiful to see the scenery change as the sun fell closer to the horizon. The river began shining with a deeper gold color instead of the rushing white water it normally is, and the trees rustled, the gentle light making their leaves look soft and peaceful. Magnus’s service dogs in training were chasing each other in the fenced yard beside their huge dog house, enjoying the afternoon. It was a very comfortable scene.

After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Lup turned to Taako. “Are you good now?” she asked. He could hear in her voice that she genuinely cared about how he felt. The intensity of it almost made him squeamish. He nodded. She stood up to leave, and held out her hand to help him up. It hadn’t quite been an hour of talking, so Feather Fall was still in effect, and it was safe to clamber back into the house on the small ledge. They entered Taako’s room safe and sound. He grabbed his trademark pointy hat and pulled it onto his head with a comforted purr.

“It’s my turn to cook dinner,” she told him. “You can come downstairs to hang out and be an ass about my technique, it’ll be fun,” she said, with no venom in her voice, just affection. 

Taako yawned. “Yeah, I think I’ll stay in here for now, though.” Maybe he would read a book or something. A half-read Caleb Cleveland book lay abandoned in the drawer of his nightstand. Or maybe he’d just take a nap instead and hope the night terrors stayed away for now. 

As Lup was walking through the doorway to leave, Taako said, “Thanks, Lulu,” in that soft voice he uses after a tiring heart-to-heart talk. She smiled at him, nodded, and went downstairs to start making dinner.


	11. Eavesdropping

He didn’t mean to do it, really. Listening in on others’ conversations while he meditated. It just happened as a natural consequence of having sharp ears and paying special attention to his senses for an extended period of time. 

Usually nothing came of it. His housemates almost always talked about superficial topics, or minor things, nothing that he was invading their privacy by listening in on. 

This time, Taako heard soft talking in the kitchen. He assumed it was Lup moving around the pots and pans to get what she needed, making a bit of a racket that sometimes covered up what they were saying. “I’m worried about him,” is the first thing he heard, in Lucretia’s solemn voice. 

Taako gritted his teeth. Were they talking about him? His suspicions were confirmed when he heard Merle weigh in. “Well, yeah,” the dwarf agreed. “We all are, Luce.” Taako crossed his arms. They had no reason to be worried about him. He’s doing just fucking fine, as far as they’re concerned, and it isn’t their business what’s going on with him.

“Do you think it’s something we did?” Magnus guessed, then continued, clearly baffled. “He isn’t acting like he’s mad at us, though.” Well, Taako wasn’t angry until he heard them talking about him behind his back. His tail moved quickly from side to side with irritation. He felt sickened that they were pretending to care about him so much, pushing themselves to talk about him. As if he meant more to them than just the fact that they’d spent so long with one another that they were mostly just stuck with each other at this point.

He heard shuffling, assuming someone was moving around in the kitchen. Then he heard Lup’s voice. “He’s just going through a hard time right now,” she told the group. It felt like a knife had sunk into his gut. “You know. The night terrors.”

His sister was betraying his trust, telling them about his problems when he’d told them to her in confidence. She knew he didn’t want them to know how he was feeling, that he was scared of them thinking he was weak, and she told them about the night terrors anyway. It stung even more when he heard the others apparently agreeing, as if they’d all known the night terrors were destroying him the way they were. Fuck them.

They don’t know shit about him. He’s fucking Taako, private, elusive. He doesn’t share his gods-damned feelings with any of these fools, but here they are, acting like they know him. He growled, digging his sharp nails into his still-crossed arms, feeling the tips of them like pin-pricks. 

The fact that they all knew he was vulnerable made him want to disappear. It made him want to rage and act out to make sure they knew he wasn’t fucking weak.

“But we’re his family,” Barry interjected. “He should know he can talk to us about it.” Taako felt himself growing even more angry. Family? Hell to the fucking no. Family is bullshit. Family is something that rips people apart. These people weren’t his fucking family. 

And of course he couldn’t talk to them about it. They’d drop him in an instant if they knew what was going through his mind, how he was feeling, how he was falling apart. There was no way he could let them in like that just so they could abandon him. Like his family had. It made it even worse that they were comparing themselves to that bunch of monsters.

To his horror, he heard Lup agree with Barry, saying “I know, babe. He’ll come around.” As if he was a child, and she was getting fed up with his behavior. Like he was doing something stupid by not confiding in his housemates. Like she didn’t have a long conversation about it with him earlier that day and didn’t fully understand where he was coming from. Like she thought it was acceptable to form a new family after the last one turned out so terribly.

Taako put his hands over his ears, jerking himself out of the meditative state. He’d heard enough. And he had most definitely fucking had enough. The elf opened his eyes and sat up, getting off the bed. He needed to do something, but he didn’t know what. Going downstairs was for sure a no-go. He felt restless, and upset, and hurt, and angry, and full of nervous energy. 

The lethargy from earlier was replaced by how his strong discomfort forced him into action. He paced around his bedroom, and unbraided his hair so it flowed over his shoulders and back without restraint. His ears were starting to hurt from how much he’d been bothering them recently with his anxious fidgeting on them, so he moved to tug his hair instead.

Fuck these people. They’d gone too far. Somehow they were both too far into his business, his feelings, his life – gossipping about him, knowing things about him he’d rather not other people know, seeing him without makeup, acting like they wanted him around – and not enough. Not enough to turn to them when he felt weak, not trusted enough to know they wouldn’t abandon him if he showed how weak he was, not loved enough to really let them in. He’d isolated and distanced himself enough to feel alone in a house full of people.

With a yelp, Taako realized he’d pulled out a bit of hair. Hands shaking, he pulled them away from his locks and crossed them, scared of ruining more of his hair. It was one of the only beautiful parts of him after Wonderland. He grabbed his wizard hat off of his head and crumpled it in his hands, resolving to take out his anger on that instead.

Why couldn’t Lup fucking get it? It felt like this was the first time in their lives together that he really felt that there was a real disconnect between them. Somehow, she knew how to open up, and he didn’t. She could trust these people. She could let them in, and feel like they were her family. Like that could be a good thing. It felt like her heart had grown in ways his hadn’t, and she had left him behind. Taako felt more lonely than ever, and it was like his heart was being stomped on. 

His sharp nails had scratched down his arms during his mournful thoughts. Stretching out his arms, Taako stared at the marks he’d left behind. They were speckled with red, already forming somewhat-pink welts along his brown skin. Great, now he was fucking self-destructing. He couldn’t do anything right, not even being sad, because he apparently got hurt doing it.

Taako leaned up against a wall of his room, slowly sliding down until he was sitting up against it, his knees to his chest. His wizard hat fell crumpled on the floor beside him with the wand he’d had in his pocket. He tilted his head to rest on the wall, looking up at the ceiling. The emotional rollercoaster he’d been on the past few days, hell, the past few months, was starting to take a physical toll on him. He was exhausted and could feel his temples pounding, starting to hurt, and his eyes watering as a natural reflex; a migraine was on its way. He had been too upset for a while now to notice that one had been forming over the past couple of hours, and it was only just now rearing its ugly head. Normally he’d get Merle to do some sort of healing magic to stop the pain, but he stubbornly stayed upstairs to wait it out.

He’d overwhelmed his mind and body by getting so upset, and now he had to pay. He closed his eyes tightly and waited, the throbbing pain in his skull increasing exponentially each minute. Soon, his fists were balled up in his hair against his skull, his body curling into itself as if to hide from the pain, his shoulders shaking. It felt like hours before it eased.

A couple of hours later, after his migraine began leaving him, his sister knocked on his door and said dinner was ready. Taako replied in a pained, sulking voice, “I’m not hungry,” refusing to open the door or come downstairs. 

She waited for a few moments, then said, “Okay, Koko. Do what you want,” in a sad tone. He would have felt guilty, but he’d just overheard her gossiping about him with the whole group, and it fucking sucked. He waited until everyone had gone to bed to get something to eat, feeling like he was unable to talk to anyone in this household anymore. As if he ever could.


	12. Leaving

It was the next day, Monday, 6 AM. Nightmares plagued Taako, but nothing worse than usual. It was still thirty or forty minutes before the sun rose. Lup apparently didn’t have a night terror keeping her up that morning, since she didn’t join Taako in getting post-nightmare coffee. He was privately glad. He couldn’t face her without starting an argument after what he’d overheard last night.

If he had to face the early hours alone, he could at least do it with caffeine. He got a thermos of coffee, doctoring it up with various sweeteners as per usual, and then stepped outside. Damn, it was colder than he expected, even if it was summer. Coldest before the dawn, he supposed. He went back inside and grabbed the blanket on the couch for decoration, wrapped it around himself, and exited the house. Blanket: check. Comfy PJs: check. Hot coffee: check. Wand and stone of far speech: check. 

Taako’s eyes could see just fine in the dark due to his natural dark vision, so he didn’t need a torch or anything of that sort. He trudged outside, walking to the edge of the cliff. He took off his slippers then sat down, his legs dangling off the edge. Sipping his coffee, he stared off into the dark distance, then sighed and laid down on his back, staring up at the stars. The soft grass around him cushioned his head. Honestly, it was lovely. Peaceful. It contrasted with his lingering irritation from the night before.

But it was still at least twenty minutes before sunrise, and nobody was awake. He was a little lonely, but definitely glad he could avoid his housemates. He was still angry over the fact that they acted like they knew him so well, cared about him so much. Taako felt it was obvious that they didn’t. They couldn’t, after he’d spent so long pushing them away. It was something he’d ruined before it had a chance to grow, and now he just had to accept that and deal with it.

If he really wanted company, he could call Kravitz on his stone of far speech. He knew that the reaper didn’t actually need to sleep as an immortal being, and when he wasn’t sleeping with Taako, he was often doing his work for the Raven Queen. So he should probably leave him alone for now, he thought.

The pressing issue today was to figure out the answer to this fucking problem he was having. How in the gods-forsaken world could he possibly fix all of his current problems, preferably all at once? He huffed. If it was even possible, considering the way Lup had betrayed his trust, and the others were crossing emotional boundaries he thought were clear, making his head spin. 

Apparently he’d been fighting fate, so he needed to do the opposite. And that would be talking openly about his emotions and the memories that terrify him - AKA, the two most horrible things Taako could imagine doing. Especially if he had to talk to the chucklefucks that lived in the house with him. He hated the way they’d gossipped about him and assumed so much shit about him and his feelings. 

“Hey Istus, it’s so damn great to have to do the things I’m really fuckin’ afraid of doing. Yeah, no. I really don’t want to do this, my man,” he said out loud, regardless of whether the deity could hear him or not. He sat up and took another sip of his coffee.

So to do those things… would require some deep, intense conversations. He shuddered. Those were something Taako normally tended to avoid at all costs, unless it’s with Lup and he’s on the verge of fuckin’ losing it. And now he wasn’t sure he could even talk to her anymore. He groaned at how deeply he did not want to face these problems, and how hopeless he felt thinking about even trying. He just wanted to disappear.

Disappear.

That’s a thought.

Taako opened his eyes and looked up at the sky. It was becoming lighter before the sun rose, while the stars were still out. He breathed in deeply. Maybe a break from Goldcliffe was what he needed. He felt a little giddy considering literally running from his problems. Hiding away for a while might help him come up with how to fix his problems, at least.

“Hey Istus, if you’re listening, cha’ boy is just gonna vent some stuff, feel free to weigh in,” he said, still watching the stars as the sky got marginally lighter. He was silent for a moment before he started talking again. Expressing himself out loud was something he was supposed to do. If Istus wanted him to talk, then he’d fucking talk to her.

“I’m so fucking scared, my dude. I can’t do this.” He let a breath out, slowly, to calm himself; he’d noticed his tail was twitching nervously. But his anxiety kept building, his heart beating fast, breath coming out in short gasps. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. “I’m fucking broken,” he whispered.

He lifted an arm and laid it over his eyes, partially to hide his tears and partially just because he was so tired. “My problems run too deep. Too deep, Istus. I can’t… There’s no fixing this, babe.” He breathed out a shaky breath. “I’m not strong enough. I’m not… enough.” Tears were leaking out of his eyes freely now. He choked out a sob. 

But then… he felt nothing. As soon as he was really crying, it was over. It felt like his heart had dropped like a stone, his emotions all drained out of him, leaving only a dark steely feeling that permeated his mind and soul. He looked up emotionlessly up at the sky, and wiped the tears off of his face. He’d just ran out of fucks to give. It was time to leave.

He stood up, bringing the blanket and thermos with him, and walked into the house, putting those things away. It was now light enough for someone without dark vision to see him leaving, if they were looking for him; he could probably leave unnoticed anyway, if he wanted. His resolve was hardened, and he knew it was what he needed to do at that moment. Run.

Quietly, Taako climbed the stairs up to his room. He grabbed a plain dark brown bag of holding to start packing. He assumed he’d be away for maybe a week, but… it was hard to say. He grabbed a couple of presentable outfits and put them in the bag, along with some of his gold savings and toiletries. He also took a spare plain, black wand and put it in the bag as well. Plus some travelling necessities for strange scenarios, like his manta ray cloak.

As far as travelling clothes went, Taako wanted to be invisible. Unnoticed. It wouldn’t help him feel like he was getting away from everything if everyone noticed that Taako from TV was traveling on the same path. So he took out a plain cream-colored peasant top, black leggings, dark brown boots that matched his bag of holding, and a black wizard hat with a cream-colored ribbon tied around the middle to match his shirt. He put on a black cape, as well, with a hood that could accommodate his big hat, so he could hide if needed. 

Lastly, he grabbed his Krebstar glaive. It was a long staff with a sharp knife on the end. It was useful as both a focus and a tool when travelling, plus it intimidated someone who might think of crossing him. Satisfied, he crept downstairs again to the kitchen, where he took some non-perishable food items for a few days’ worth of food, maybe longer if he ate lightly, and a refillable water bottle with a little filter attached. He was prepared to leave. 

Then he heard a voice behind him. “Taako?” He turned to see Barry, frowning and blinking with a worried expression. “What’s going on, bud?” Shit. He could clearly see him through the light coming in through the windows, as the sun had really begun rising then.

Taako looked at him for a moment, devoid of expression other than a slight narrowing of his eyes. “I’m leaving.” Barry was frightened by how flat his voice sounded, and at the fact that he had clearly been crying only moments before, judging by his puffy red eyes. And at Taako’s strange demeanor, with no arcane cosmetics on and clear plans to go somewhere.

“Uh, why?” he asked. He was definitely worried. “Like, on a vacation, or…?”

Taako closed his eyes and didn’t respond for a long moment. Then he stared back at Barry and said, “I don’t know,” turned on his heel, and started walking toward the front door.

Barry ran forward and blocked the door. “Taako, you need to think about this,” he warned, his voice becoming even more serious. “If you’re upset we can talk about it. Running away won’t fix it.”

“It might,” he replied, staring the human down. 

Barry was looking back into his eyes sternly. “Taako. We’re your family, please—” 

It was like he’d slapped the elf in the face. He hissed at him, his ears pinned back in an aggressive manner. “You’re not my fucking family,” he spat. Barry just crossed his arms and kept gods-damned looking at him. It was making his skin crawl.

He raised the Krebstar at Barry, his voice low and serious. “Get out of my way, Barold.” But Barry didn’t move. He was glaring at the elf, tears forming in his eyes.

Taako could feel his anger growing. “I’m fucking serious,” he snarled. “Don’t make me magic missile your ass. Move.” The tip of his glaive started glowing, indicating that he was powering up his magic. Then Barry finally moved, his shoulders slumped in defeat. The Krebstar powered down again. He opened the door and walked through without a word, Barry silently watching him leave. He knew Barry would panic, but it… didn’t matter to him. He didn’t feel guilty, or anxious, or anything at all. Thank Istus.

It frightened him a little that he didn’t feel anything at the thought of leaving all his loved ones behind without explanation. But not enough to stop him.


	13. On the Road

The sun rose as Taako walked around the perimeter of Goldcliff. After only an hour he was leaving the outskirts and entering the woodland trail leading out of it, which got less and less lush as he walked. Soon there were no plants, as there was a desert surrounding Goldcliff. He steadfastly kept walking. He didn’t think, or feel; he just focused on the journey, the feeling of walking, the view of the scenery around him. 

After a few miles in the desert, it was approaching 10 in the morning, and the sun began to affect him. His long, wide ears were desperately warm, trying to thermoregulate and cool him down. It didn’t help much. Drinking a few sips from his water bottle, he almost considered turning back, just so he could avoid the heat. But, ignoring that impulse, he decided to summon Garyl. He casted Phantom Steed.

“Yo, what’s going on, man?” Garyl asked in his deep voice, ears pricked. His rainbow colors shifted in the sunlight. “Got any oats?”

Taako shook his head. “Not this time, my dude,” he answered, his intonation still oddly flat. Garyl stared at him, and decided not to negotiate for oats in return for a ride, like he was about to do. Taako hopped on his back. “Let’s go forward. Run, please.” And so Garyl began running.

After an hour, the spell Phantom Steed had to end. Garyl slowed down, panting, and allowed Taako to dismount. “Dude… don’t summon me again for a while. I need a… break, bro,” he said, gasping from how fast he had been running, before vanishing. 

Taako shrugged. He may as well walk, even if it was eleven and the sun was beating down on him. After all, he was almost out of the desert; it was only 20 miles wide if his memory serves correct, and he knew Garyl ran 13 miles per hour. Well, maybe 11 miles in sand. Plus the four miles he walked earlier. So he maybe had five miles to go. He could probably get out of the desert around noon, or one if he took a break. It would be hot, but doable. 

And so he set out walking, not even considering where he was going, just knowing he needed to keep going. Lup, Barry, Merle, and Magnus called his stone of far speech, and he ignored them each time, angrily ending the calls just as soon as they began. He knew they were just going to ask him to go home, and he couldn’t do that. Not now. Especially if they were being assholes who talked about him behind his back and acted like they cared about him more than they did. He even denied the call from Kravitz, knowing they’d probably filled him in, and he just couldn’t fucking talk about it right now. 

That evening he had found himself in a deep woodland, walking along a trail many travellers before him had walked down. Each time he so much as stepped on a branch he jumped nervously. He hadn’t seen many other people during his journey so far, and none had recognized him. He walked a short ways away from the trail into the woods so he could find a concealed place to sleep.

After only a couple of minutes, he found a small natural cave. He explored it cautiously, a spell at the ready, but it was small enough for the evening light to show him that it was empty. He cast detect magic, and found there was no magic in the immediate area. Satisfied, he pulled his sleeping sack out of his bag of holding. Sitting on it, he ate some food from his bag of holding, not even caring if it was the fancy stuff he asked Lucretia to get at the farmer’s market the other day. 

But then… he did care. He cared a whole fucking lot. It felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on his head. A wave of emotion hit him and he covered his mouth as a sob shook his body. He was alone. He’d threatened Barry with violence. Had ignored everyone when they tried to reach out to him using the stone of far speech. They were likely angry, now.

It was Monday night. Only three nights ago, he’d been on a lovely date with his beautiful boyfriend, and now he was alone in the wilderness. Now he’d gone and ruined that, too, probably. Running out on your romantic partner isn’t really good for a relationship. Merle had talked about that often enough to drill it into his head.

He couldn’t even go back to apologize. He would still be stuck in the same fucking situation as before: trapped with his fear and memories, unable to express himself, afraid of speaking of his emotions with candor, always feeling like something was squeezing his throat. But this time, they would be angry at him, for almost blasting Barry, for leaving without saying goodbye, for ignoring their calls. They might not let him live there anymore, even. Plus, he didn’t even know how to begin dealing with what he’d overheard during their conversation in the kitchen the previous night. That night, Taako cried himself to sleep, plagued by fears both rational and irrational, worrying until he lost consciousness. 

The next morning, Taako awoke with a night terror around 4 AM, sitting up with a frightened gasp, images of the Hunger destroying the Starblaster in his mind, the black tendrils reaching toward his chest and ripping into him. He shuddered at the thoughts, rubbing his chest to make sure his body was still whole, that it was just a nightmare. There was no coffee to help him recover, this time. 

He stood up with a sigh, packing up his things into his bag of holding and pulling out his map, using his dark vision to read it. He hadn’t realized this, but he was only thirty miles away from Refuge. Where the temple to Lady Istus is, where at least a couple of old friends would welcome him with open arms. He sniffled and decided to go toward Refuge today.

It was tough work, walking. He summoned Garyl twice that day, who could take him at least ten miles at a time. Even so, he had to walk fifteen miles on his own. The map underestimated the distance a bit. After sleeping in the wild for the first time in almost a year, and having such poor quality sleep every night for months with night terrors, he had woken up tired. Plus he hadn’t been an active adventurer in a while, so he was slightly out of shape. Walking fifteen miles through stretches of desert interspersed with canyons and small patches of woodland had completely exhausted him, making him take a lot of breaks along the way. He stumbled into the town of Refuge at about 6 PM.

He stared around him. It had really grown since the last time he saw it, from the new diamond vein the townspeople had discovered. He didn’t even know where to start. Looking around, he didn’t see anyone he recognized. Then he remembered: Istus. He could probably spend the night in her temple. Religious people are supposed to care for vagrants, right? Supposedly? He was her ambassador. Maybe they’d make an exception for him anyway. He exited the town so he could walk around the perimeter and get to the temple without running into anyone. 

When he arrived at the temple, he looked up at it, marveling at how it looked in the golden afternoon light. It was even more lovely than he remembered. Stepping inside, he immediately met eyes with Luca, who smiled and waved. 

“Well, there’s a sight for sore eyes!” The man said, standing up from where he had been sitting beside the altar and walking toward him. “Taako, how are you? It’s definitely been a while.”

He nodded absently, closing the door to the temple entrance behind him. “I-I’m… yeah. I’m here, for sure.” Luca examined him for a moment.

Then Luca nodded, as if deciding something in his mind. “You’d better stay with me. I have a house now, you know, behind the temple.” He seemed very proud of it. While Luca led him to his home, Taako listened to the human chatter about how Refuge had changed and more people were visiting the temple nowadays. 

They arrived at a humble cottage, only a small distance from the temple. “Well, this is it. Home sweet home!” Luca said cheerfully, and opened the door for Taako. “After you.”

Taako looked at him out of the corner of his eye. He was being so… nice, for no discernable reason. “Okay,” he agreed cautiously, walking into the house. Luca entered after him and pulled out a chair for Taako to sit at by the kitchen table, then started getting some food together for the two to have dinner. Taako really didn’t say much, not even thanking him, just quietly looking down at his hands on the table. 

Luca seemed glad to have him around. Apparently he didn’t get a lot of visitors on days other than the big worship days and celebrations honoring Istus. He offered him a room to sleep, a place to clean up, and left him alone around 8 PM. Taako sat on the lumpy bed, looking out the window. The evening light had become softer as the sun became close to the horizon, setting soon. His legs felt like jelly, although he felt better after having a lot of water at supper. He didn’t feel like sleeping yet, but didn’t feel like seeing anyone either. He curled up on the bed and pulled from his bag of holding that half-read little Caleb Cleveland novel he’d had stashed in his bedside table for a couple of months. He began to read, soothed by the simple words and memories of Angus telling him about this specific story. It was nice.

It distracted him for a short time, but it was a children’s book after all, and he finished it before 9. Closing the book, he set it down on the bed in front of him and looked at the cover. He was sure Angus had that same tie as Caleb did in that illustration. 

Gods, what did Angus think of him now? He’d had a mental breakdown in public, when he had an anxiety attack in front of the boy. He began tugging at his ears again in distress, feeling himself start sweating with nervousness. He didn’t want to lose this relationship. He couldn’t. Angus was one of the people he felt like understood him on some level, and if he abandoned him because of this, it would be devastating. He started shivering and felt tears welling in his eyes, but he was able to control himself enough to not break down and cry, at least, not right now.

Just then, his stone of far speech chimed. He saw it was Kravitz and hesitantly pulled it out of his bag. “Taako?” he heard the reaper ask, his voice a little crackly when coming through the stone. “Are you there, love?”

Taako sniffled and hugged his knees to his chest, the stone of far speech sitting on the pillow beside him. “Yeah.” He didn’t say anything else. His normal talkative, flirtatious, teasing nature was gone now, replaced by this anxious, sad version of Taako. He hated it, the way he felt, the way he was acting, and especially that he didn’t fucking know how to stop.

“Are you okay? Everyone’s worried about you,” Kravitz said earnestly through the stone. “Do you, do you want me to come get you? I can bring you home. If, if you want.” He could hear Kravitz’s wings fluttering with worry, and the familiarity of the sound brought him a small amount of comfort.

His tail twitched nervously. “I’m not… I can’t go back yet, not now. I have to figure out a couple of things. Or something. I don’t... I’m not really fucking sure, my dude.”

He heard a small sigh on the other side of the line. “Well, can I just ask one thing of you?”

A wave of fear moved through Taako. He hoped Kravitz wasn’t dropping on his doorstep the exact things he ran away to avoid: examining his feelings and sharing them with others, or explaining his awful past. His voice cracked as he replied, “Go for it.”

“Please don’t leave without telling me first,” he heard Kravitz’s voice. He recognized the hurt in the way he spoke, making Taako close his eyes tight in regret, tears welling up. His careful control over his tears wavered and broke, and the floodgates opened once again. “I was worried about you. And I thought we were… I thought you trusted me enough to, to tell me when you need space.”

Taako tugged on his ears in distress, feeling them ache but unable to find a better way to express his anxiety. “S-sorry,” he choked out, trying not to let the crying show in his voice but it definitely did regardless.

“Hey, hey, nooo,” he heard Kravitz backtracking. “I didn’t know you were, were feeling so upset right now. You don’t need to worry about me right now, dear.”

The elf shook his head, unable to speak for fear of making Kravitz feel worse. He’d just made things worse by answering the call. He angrily wiped his tears away and reached over to end the conversation when Kravitz spoke, making him pause. “Taako, can I come see you?” he asked quietly. “I want to be there for you. I think you, you might need the company.”

He stared at the bed in front of him, balling up his fists. He was frustrated at himself, for not knowing what he wanted, for making everyone worry, for ruining everything. “I-I’d like that,” he responded, his voice shaking.

He heard the voice of his boyfriend lift with hope. “Okay, love. Where are you? If it’s not in a town, just describe it, and I’ll figure it out.” Taako only responded with silence, feeling cold and lonely. “Uh, babe?” Kravitz seemed confused at the lack of response.

Taako sighed, running his hands over his face. “I can’t tell you. I have to… I need to do something, here. Something important to me. And… I want to get home by myself. I-I need to know I’m brave enough to go home by myself and face everyone.” 

And just like that, he had shared a little bit of his negative emotions with Kravitz. He needed to return on his own terms, and he would be proving a point to himself when he decided to go home. He just had to gather the strength to do it.

The reaper had been around for a long time and could read between the lines. Taako didn’t want him to come over, but it wasn’t because of anything Kravitz had done wrong. It was just the need for space. “Can I call you again tomorrow?” Even when Taako had ran away from home, worried his boyfriend by not explaining why, ignored his calls, refused to let him visit tonight… Kravitz was still so kind. It made his chest hurt with love and guilt.

“Yes,” the elf whispered, and ended the call.


	14. Confusion

It was five minutes after Taako had gone, and Barry was trying to figure out what to do, filled with worry, guilt, and a tinge of panic. He decided to bring it up with his girlfriend. He walked upstairs, trying to be quiet so as not to wake up the rest of the people in the house. He entered his and Lup’s bedroom, closing the door behind him, and walked over to the bed, where Lup was relaxing and reading a magazine in front of her. She looked up and purred in greeting when he entered, then returned her attention to her reading. “Honey? There’s a, uh, a problem.” 

She hummed. “Tell me what’s up, bubbeleh,” she told him, flipping to another page. He uncomfortably told her that Taako had decided to leave.

“What do you mean, Taako left?” Lup asked, setting down the New Elfington Magazine. “Like, leave, leave? Or just getting groceries? I need some more fuckin’ detail, babe.”

He rubbed his neck, disliking that he had to bring his love bad news, and that Taako had put him in this tough situation. “I think he’s going to be away for a while. He seemed pissed off.” He looked at her apologetically. “I tried to stop him, but he threatened to magic missile me, and you know that would destroy the inside of the house.”

She sighed and closed the magazine, then turned to face him. “When was this? And how serious do you think he was?” She seemed worried, her ears twitching anxiously. Taako hadn’t disappeared like this even once since they started living in this house.

“Maybe five minutes ago. I was trying to figure out what to do about it, if I should chase him or tell somebody or something, but then I figured you’d know what to do better than I did.” His voice was rambling, babbling in his nervousness, clearly worried about Taako and panicked by having someone leave his life like that. Again.

She nodded and slumped her shoulders unhappily. He continued, “I think it was really serious, babe. I haven’t seen him like that in a long time, maybe since the days of the Starblaster.”

The elf stood up and started pacing in the room. “I think I’ll try the stone of far speech,” she spoke her thoughts out loud. “If he doesn’t answer then I guess we know it’s for real.” He ended the call just as soon as she had opened his frequency, not even saying a word. She sat back down on the bed, disappointed.

Lup closed her eyes and leaned back against the headboard. “We can’t chase him,” she told her boyfriend. “He’s like a cat. He’ll come back on his own. But the more you chase him, the faster he runs. He’s a fuckin’ pain in the ass,” she grumbled, clearly more worried than angry at him.

Barry crossed his arms. “You have to know what’s going on with him,” he insisted. “Do you think he’s going to be okay out there on his own? I’ve seen how he’s been looking these past few days.”

Lup curled her tail around herself. “I hope so,” she murmured. “He’s going through a difficult time, like we talked about. I mean, he’s tough for sure, but it’s still… not a good thing to run away when you really just need support.” The elf rubbed her fingers on her temples like the situation had given her a headache. “I thought he was past this by now. Running away to hide to feel safe. I thought he knew he could feel safe here, in this house. With us.”

Barry agreed, and offered to make her coffee, and they went downstairs. They decided to wait a few hours before telling everyone else so they wouldn’t panic and try to chase him down.

Later that day, they called a meeting with everyone and explained the situation. “Taako left early this morning,” Lup told them, standing up while the rest were seated in the living room. “He apparently got angry and took off. I think we should give him space and time to work this out on his own.” 

Magnus stood up. “Bud, that’s bullshit. He needs us. We all saw that he needed us and we ignored it because we didn’t want to be awkward, and now look what happened?”

Merle nodded. “I didn’t want to make him feel worse by bringing it up and making him talk about it. But man, I feel bad that he’s gone and I didn’t even fucking say anything to help at all.”

Looking at his hands, Davenport began speaking. “Even if we did, would he have even talked to us about it? He’s a private person.”

“He doesn’t feel he can trust us enough to confide in us,” Lucretia stated, sounding sad. “What could we really do?” Privately, they all agreed. And honestly, it was sad. They’d spent a hundred years together. If he couldn’t trust them, could he trust at all?

The meeting broke up after that sad note. Nobody really knew what to do. A couple of them tried calling Taako, but he never answered any of them on his stone of far speech. Merle and Magnus spent the day in Goldcliff looking for him, but of course they ended up disappointed and empty-handed. It was a sad moment for them; not only had they spent the time on the Starblaster together, but they’d been on so many adventures together afterward, too. They both felt a bit hurt that Taako didn’t think he could come to them when he needed someone for support.

It was the worst on Barry. That night, he was the one who awoke from night terrors, not Lup; her note from years and years ago saying “back soon” haunted him. She hadn’t come back until over a decade later. It had made him terrified of people he loved disappearing. Even if he and Taako didn’t talk about emotional topics often, or entrust many personal details with one another, he still cared deeply about Taako as one of his best friends. The fact that he’d left so easily probably hurt him the most.

They all waited for him to come back, worried for him, wondering how to help him. The house was quieter than usual, especially considering the fact that everyone hovered around the property, wanting to be there when Taako returned.


	15. The Journey Home

The next morning, he woke up at four in the morning again. Way too early for Luca to be awake. He quietly slipped out of the cottage and walked into the temple. His dark vision let him see that there was nobody else in there, so he felt safe to walk into the center of the room and sit down cross-legged. Istus wasn’t there. He started meditating, thinking of Lady Fate, trying to convey how much he wanted to talk to her.

And in a flash of light, she appeared. He opened his eyes. She was sitting in front of him, cross-legged as well, knitting as usual and looking down on him fondly. “Hello, Taako,” she greeted him quietly. Her soft voice felt booming, imbued with the power of a goddess.

He nodded. “Istus,” he greeted her. He waited for her to say something, but she was only looking at him, clearly also playing the waiting game. “Fine,” he said, his eyes narrowing at her and his tail lashing in irritation. “I’m here because I have questions, and honestly, what you said in my dreams just made me more confused.”

She laughed in response. “I told you last time that you already knew the answers to the questions you have, my friend.” She tilted her head. “You know what you need to do.”

He tugged his ears, upset. “I don’t know how,” he whined petulantly. He knew he was acting like a child, but at this point, with how much emotional turmoil he’d endured in the past few days, he didn’t care about the indignity of the behavior. “Istus, please,” he asked, looking up at her. “I can’t do this alone.”

She looked down at him pityingly. “The whole point is not to be alone, Taako,” she told him. “You need to connect to those around you. Learn how to talk about your feelings. Stop repressing all of your fears and express them to those who care about you so they can help you.” He looked even more distraught hearing he really had to face his fears, for real this time.

Istus sighed and looked Taako in the eye. “Your fate is to get better, to heal from your past. You’re ready, now. You just have to want it bad enough.”

For a moment, Taako stared at her, his mouth open. With a growl, he grit his teeth and lashed his tail angrily. “Do you really think I want to feel this way?! That I don’t want to get better?”

She set down what she was knitting. “Do you? Are you willing to do what it takes to get better, Taako? To face your fears of intimacy, and fulfill your fate?” Crossing his arms, Taako stared at the ground, not meeting her eye. He was frustrated, and annoyed, and knew she was right, but very much hated hearing that.

“You knew this already, but I suppose you needed to hear me say exactly what I meant, you stubborn thing,” she said, her voice taking on a playful lilt. He grumbled in response. “You ran away from what I specifically asked you to deal with. Go home, Taako,” she commanded. “Talk to them.”

With that, she placed a hand on top of his head, filling him with serenity and comfort before she faded away before his eyes. He sighed and decided to keep meditating until Luca came looking for him. 

Around seven thirty, an hour after sunrise, Luca made his way into the temple. He sat next to Taako, who opened one eye to look at him. “Sleep well?” he asked, teasing him about how much later he woke up than Taako, making the human chuckle.

“Of course. And you?” Luca looked at him, seeming glad that Taako’s mood was better today.

In response, Taako shrugged. “As well as can be expected.” He turned to face the man sitting beside him. “I can make you breakfast. I started cooking again,” he told him with a smile. Then they went back to Luca’s cottage, and Taako made him a nice meal, and the two spent the morning together. 

All too soon, Taako regretfully told Luca, “I think I need to go home now.” He had found himself enjoying his company more than he expected, and it was nice to stay away from home when he knew there was a difficult conversation waiting for him. 

He thought about how much Istus wanted him to change. How often during his journeys he had kept his fortunes to himself. Taako was acutely aware that this man lived in a tiny cottage and he himself lived in something akin to a mansion. He reached into his bag of holding and pulled out a small pouch of 100 GP, placing it on top of the table in front of Luca. “This is for you.”

Luca started. “I can’t accept that,” he said, pushing it back toward Taako, clearly embarrassed. “You don’t need to pay me for letting you stay here. Especially since we’re both followers of Istus.”

Taako shook his head. “But like, I just feel like doing this. If you feel bad accepting it, then use it in Istus’s name to do whatever, my dude. I just think you deserve a circe right about now, homie.” Luca blinked in surprise, and accepted it, thanking him and seeming a bit confused about the situation. After all, last time he’d interacted with Taako, the guy had been selfish and didn’t seem to care about anyone outside of the people he was travelling with. It was a nice change, he thought.

And with that, Taako left Refuge. He didn’t say hello to any other old friends, but he wanted to get home. It was time to face his fears. Talk to people about shit. Ugh.

It took him travelling all day and all night to get home. He took his sweet time, taking many breaks, not going at the exhausting, breakneck pace that he did before when he was feeling reckless and emotionally ruined. Now he was a little more sure of himself. He didn’t necessarily have a plan, but at least he knew for sure what Istus had been telling him, and that gave him just enough confidence to force himself to stop avoiding his home.


	16. The Return

Wednesday, 9 AM. That’s when Taako knocked on his front door, his tail between his legs, ears drooping, looking in a sorry state. His travelling clothes were dirty, he looked exhausted, and above all he looked ashamed. Arcane cosmetics changed his features to match how they looked before, but they didn’t cover up the dirt, the bags under his eyes, or the exhaustion. However, Magnus was the one who opened the door, so he received a bear hug just as soon as the man laid eyes on him.

“He’s home!” Magnus hollered. He started blubbering, still holding Taako close. Taako fidgeted uncomfortably. It almost made him nervous seeing someone so visibly care about his well-being so much; honestly, up to that point he had believed the only person who really, truly, deeply, genuinely cared about him was Lup. He hesitantly hugged Magnus back, feeling tears form in his eyes from how overwhelmed he was. Maybe he wasn’t just pretending to care in that conversation he’d listened in on.

Upon hearing the news, it was like the whole IPRE team came out of the woodworks at once. Merle and Lucretia thundered down the stairs, Lup came running with her ears up excitedly and her tail waving, Barry sprinted up from the laundry room in the basement, Davenport scurried over from the kitchen. They all descended on him at once in a group hug, overwhelming him. Taako wiped his tears away so he would look at least somewhat put together and waited until they’d all let go of him to say anything. 

The sudden surge of affection they had given him made him feel strange and nervous – were they really being sincere? They were happy to see him and not angry? Lup took his hands in hers to stop him from tugging on his ears, still purring loudly in joy to see him again. He hadn’t noticed she’d even started doing that.

They all were looking at him, as if wanting him to speak first. He decided then and there that the worry caused by him running away had paid them back for that conversation about him he overheard, and he didn’t need to confont them about it.

Opening his mouth and closing it a couple of times, hestitating before speaking, he finally decided to say, “I can’t talk about it yet,” and pulled his hands away from Lup’s, crossing his arms over his chest protectively. He was still having trouble meeting anyone’s eyes. Johann trotted up and whined, looking up at him with big, sad eyes, as if he was worried about him, too. Leaning down to pet the hound, he was able to stay silent for a few more seconds until he thought of what to say.

The comfortable emotional distance he’d kept carefully maintained for over a century with these people was crumbling, fast. Much faster than he ever expected. Faster than he could handle. “I’m… I’ll try, later, but I have to… I can’t right now.” 

Taako strode forward, pushing the group aside with his shoulders and hurrying up the stairs to his room, fully ashamed of the fact that he’d gone through all the effort to get back to these people but then promptly ran away from them again. At least he was staying in the house this time.

Downstairs, the others looked at one another, at a loss. “Well, that went about as well as could be expected,” Lucretia noted dryly. Magnus chuckled and broke the tension, and the group dispersed, knowing to steer clear of Taako until he was ready.

Upstairs, Taako immediately unpacked what was in his bag of holding, throwing any dirty clothes in the laundry bin, and then set his mind on becoming clean. Even though he’d stayed up all night with no sleep or meditation, he decided to stay up anyway. He could always nap later.

He groomed himself to boost his mood and make him feel more comfortable and secure: showering and scrubbing himself for a bit too long to become extra clean, taking a bubble bath with fancy bath salts to hopefully feel more calm, doing a hair mask to make it silky and smooth, wearing a face mask to rejuvenate it after him not washing it in two days of travel, using a lip scrub so they would become softer, plucking his eyebrows to tidy up his appearance, painting his nails a soft ballet pink, and finally combing and magically drying his hair without heat until it was fluffy and straight. He looked in the mirror after having spent a couple of hours preening. He looked much, much cleaner and more like himself, the way he had been looking since he had stopped adventuring and was able to live this pampered lifestyle. 

His mind traveled back to another time in his life. The days when he was a street rat, sleeping in alleyways with Lup. His hair was matted, his skin dirty, his complexion much less attractive than it was now. He’d lived like that from when he was twelve to when he was at least eighty. Of course, someone eighty in elven years had the maturity and physique somewhat along the lines of a sixteen-year-old human. Then he’d worked in a kitchen for the Institute of Planar Research until he was able to actually attend it a couple of decades later. By no means had he ever been a rich elf until recently. He pondered the fact that he might adore the fact that he has the time and money to treat his body with such luxury because he never had access to this lifestyle before.

He heard his stone of far speech chime in his bedroom. He put on his fluffy pink robe and hurried to grab it, and saw it was Kravitz wanting to reach him. He accepted the call and set the stone on his desk, sitting down in the desk chair. “So I heard you’re back,” Kravitz’s voice came through the stone, sounding… proud? Someone must have notified him. Taako lifted an eyebrow as he kept combing his hair, making sure it was as neat as he wanted it to be. 

“Hell yeah, Krav,” he responded, not sure quite what to say, deciding to take it casual. “Cha’ boy came home after all.” The small mirror on his desk allowed him to admire the way he looked now that he had spent so long working on himself. It was beside a photo of him kissing Kravitz on the cheek, the reaper grinning with a blush and holding Taako around the waist. He felt his heart soften as he looked at the picture. 

The stone crackled as Kravitz started talking again. “I’m glad, love. I’m happy you’re safe.” He was always so sincere when he talked. It seemed he found it easy to share his emotions with Taako; he wished he found it easy to reciprocate. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he agreed, shifting to a more comfortable position in the chair. “It’s nice to be home, at least. Haven’t really talked to anyone, though.” 

It was silent for a moment, as if Kravitz was trying to decide what to say. “You have time to, to do what you need to do, dear. To feel better.” Taako felt confused. As if realizing that, Kravitz kept talking. “What I mean is, you, you don’t have to rush yourself. Take your time.”

Somehow, this was the exact thing Taako needed to hear to relieve him of his current anxiety. “Thanks,” he whispered, swaying his tail from side to side slowly behind the seat of the chair. 

“Of course, dear,” Kravitz replied. “And call me if you need me, or, or if you want me to come over. But I’m not going to come over until, until you ask. To give you space, I mean.” Taako sighed fondly, hearing him stumble through the sentence endearingly. The reaper treated him far better than he deserved, and he was unbearably grateful.

After a moment of thinking, Taako said slowly, “Y’know what, babe, give me five minutes and then meet me here. Maybe… well, no promises, but I can try to explain why I left.” He twitched his ears in discomfort from forcing himself to say this, but it was balanced by a small feeling of relief at the thought of finally being able to talk to Kravitz about something… serious. Something that reached deep into his heart, outside of a romantic setting. He’d talked about how much he loved him, and that was serious, but it’s easier to say you love someone than to bare your soul to that person and lower your defenses enough to have serious conversations about your feelings. For the first time, Taako wanted that.

Kravitz agreed and ended the call. Taako stood up and changed into some soft black leggings and a plain white crewneck T-shirt. It was so simple and different from his favored flashy style, but he felt it was fitting for how he was trying to be more… sincere. To drop the exterior and speak from the heart. Well, not fully drop the exterior – he put on his glamour earring. He still had some limits, at least. 

Thinking of talking about his feelings still made him afraid and caused him to shudder, but now that it was something he wanted, he was determined enough to give it a try. Dammit, Istus was right. He just had to want it bad enough to be able to do it.

Soon, he saw the tip of the scythe carve a portal in the center of his room, and his boyfriend stepped through it. The scythe vanished as soon as he let go of it. He was in his skeletal form, and walked over to Taako, taking one of his hands in his bony one. “Gods, am I happy to see you,” he said, and leaned his forehead against Taako’s, appearing to take comfort in his presence. Taako hummed and lifted his arms to hug Kravitz around the neck, the reaper hugging him around the waist in response, his skeletal wings encircling his boyfriend, keeping him close.

After a moment, Taako stepped back, and moved to plop himself down on the edge of the bed. Kravitz sat down in a more polite fashion beside him and wrapped his arm around him affectionately. “You know I love the bony look, but I’d rather see you be able to make facial expressions,” Taako told him teasingly. Sheepishly, the reaper morphed into his other form.

He smiled at Taako. “Better?” he asked, and leaned in to give him a chilly kiss on the cheek. Taako nodded, leaning his head on Kravitz’s shoulder, and enjoyed the way he made him feel calm and steady.

The reaper let them sit in silence for a few minutes before talking. “Taako, listen. I’m immortal. You’re going to live for, for several hundred more years, and then might serve Istus and become immortal, too. So, we, we have all the time in the world.” He rubbed Taako’s arm, his hand pleasantly cool. “You don’t have to, to tell me anything until you’re ready. I know it does a number on you trying to talk about… well, your, your personal stuff. I just don’t think you should, should stress yourself on my account. I’m fine waiting, darling.”

Taako sighed and got fully on the bed, moving to the center of it and curling up on his side. Kravitz copied the motion, facing Taako so they can look into one another’s eyes. “At this point, it’s not for you,” he told his boyfriend seriously. “I want… I want to trust you. To be able to share with you.” He grimaced and shivered. “Normal people can trust the person they love, but, uh, I never promised to be normal, my dude.” He winked, awkwardly clashing with the heavy mood, and Kravitz chuckled.

“I want to confide in you, to feel close to you, and to… know I can overcome this fear. This anxiety about having someone know me like that.” Taako looked down and grabbed one of Kravitz’s hands. It slowly began to warm up with the contact. “You’re important to me.” Even saying something so plainly true, so obvious, made his chest feel tight. Talking about what goes on in his mind and heart was so foreign to him, so scary.

Kravitz hummed, shifting his wings to lay more comfortably. “Tell me what I can do, dear. I want to, to be there for you, to, to help you.” He was so genuine, the way he loved Taako and how he truly cared about him. It made Taako’s heart feel full, along with the usual guilt about feeling unworthy.

The elf moved his tail to rest across Kravitz’s leg, the touch making him feel steady as he spoke. “I guess you could just listen. And, uh, try not to pity me. I’d rather die than have you think I’m pathetic.” His mouth twisted uncomfortably.

Kravitz leaned forward and kissed Taako’s forehead. “I don’t think I’m capable of thinking anything of the sort.” Taako felt as reassured as he could be in this moment. 

He took a deep breath. Then another. In, out, in, out, calming himself. “Maybe we can just do a little at a time. I’m overwhelmed talking about any of it, to be honest,” he said, unable to keep his tail still resting on his boyfriend, instead moving it with nervous energy. 

Kravitz nodded and gently moved his hands away from where he was tugging on his ears, taking one hand and kissing it, making Taako smile. “I don’t feel ready to really explain why I ran away, babe, so I’m going to start with something else.” He paused, thinking of where to possibly start. Somewhere he wouldn’t start crying talking about, he thought. But he couldn’t trust himself to not cry when doing something that scared him this much, so…

Well, there’s no time like the present to talk about deeply traumatizing shit.

“About Friday, when I dissociated,” he started, looking into Kravitz’s eyes, hoping to convey how much he wanted to be honest with him, how much it meant that he could trust him, even if today was just the beginning of this level of trust. Even if he felt nervous as hell doing this. “I saw your belt. It made me dissociate.” Gods, just saying it out loud made him feel ashamed.

His boyfriend’s eyebrows furrowed, obviously trying to understand but finding the situation confusing. Taako found himself looking at him, thinking of how endearing the reaper was when he was wanting so badly to understand him, so expressively puzzled. 

He twitched his ears as he brought his train of thought back to the subject at hand. He closed his eyes and tried to steady his voice, knowing it would come out shaky. “I used to get beaten a lot, when I was younger.” He opened an eye and watched as Kravitz’s expression went from confused to sad, holding his hand tighter. “Usually with a belt.”

Kravitz examined the collar of the elf’s shirt, clearly in thought. “I could stop wearing belts,” he suggested. Taako shrugged. That would just be unrealistic.

“It doesn’t happen every time I see a belt. Hell, I wear belts sometimes. It just happens, sometimes. Unexpectedly.” He reached behind himself and pulled all of his hair over his shoulder, letting go of Kravitz’s hand. “Like I said, I’d just had a nightmare about it. The belts. So it was fresh, I guess.” He swallowed to relax his tightened throat and concentrated on braiding his hair, hoping that doing the familiar, repetitive motion could distract him enough to make sure he didn’t cry. The conversation lapsed into silence, letting Taako release some of the tension that he had accumulated.

When he was finished braiding his hair, he realized he didn’t have a hair tie. His boyfriend kissed him again on the forehead and got up off the bed, finding one in his desk drawer and bringing it back to him. Taako gratefully accepted it and tied the braid, flipping it back over his shoulder so it rested behind him on the bed. 

Kravitz got back on the bed and stretched out on his back beside Taako, his wings folded beneath him in a cozy way. He turned his head to look at Taako’s face. “Is that too much for, for today? We can stop,” he said gently, looking into Taako’s eyes intently. The elf’s vertical cat-eye pupils met his, seeming relatively calm, considering the circumstances.

Taako shook his head. “I’ve never, uh, shared this much with someone who wasn’t, well, Lup.” He snuggled closer to Kravitz and laid his head on his boyfriend’s chest. There was no heartbeat, but it was still comforting to lean against him, regardless of the temperature that seeped through his button-down shirt. It felt like a granite kitchen counter on a warm day – cool and refreshing more than uncomfortable or cold.

“I was so scared even considering it, Krav. But it’s… not as bad as I thought it would be.” The reaper moved so he could wrap his arm around Taako’s shoulder. He breathed out deeply. “I fucking argued with Istus about it, even ran away to visit her temple, to really make sure this is what she wanted me to do. But she was right. It does feel… like it’s what I need.” 

“I’m glad,” Kravitz responded. He seemed to accept Taako’s reason for running away now. “I know you said you’d talk about, about things in bits and pieces, and I understand that. So you don’t have to answer. But, why were you so, um, nervous about talking to me?” He rubbed Taako’s back soothingly.

Taako paused before answering. “It’s not about you. Sorry, that sounded harsh,” he backtracked, but he knew Kravitz understood. “It’s that I’m just so… closed off. I guess it’s a defense mechanism.” He laughed without any humor in his voice. It sounded harsh and bitter. “It’s never done anything good for me, confiding in someone. Trusting someone who wasn’t Lup.” 

Unspoken words: They always hurt him, or beat him, or abandoned him, or died. At least Taako knew that Kravitz wasn’t going to do any of those, even if he was conditioned to think everyone he wanted to be close to would.

His boyfriend was gently stroking his hair. He didn’t care if he messed up the braid. The touch was soothing. Taako’s voice took on a softer tone. “The last person I trusted was Sazed. The person before that was back on my home plane. It didn’t end well that time, either.” He moved closer to Kravitz, hugging him for comfort, unable to speak for a few moments. Keeping the details under wraps, just stating vague truths about his past, wasn’t too hard. He felt like he could continue. “Everyone I’ve let in has… well, it makes it hard to let anyone new in, no matter how much I’d like to.” He wrapped his tail around Kravitz, showing his affection. How significant it was that he was letting him in.

“It makes me happy you’ve chosen to trust me,” Kravitz told him quietly, kissing the top of his head. He stretched a wing to rest on Taako’s side now, holding him close protectively. “I know it’s hard for you. Thank you.” His voice was so serious. 

Taako felt almost desperate to leave this heavy mood behind. His serious mood broke and he giggled, gently elbowing his boyfriend. “Don’t get sappy on me, ya goofus.” The reaper responded by hugging him a little too tight, making him squawk and laugh harder. He was glad he’d made it through the conversation without crying, or losing control of his emotions at all. He hadn’t even needed to purr. Maybe this was going to be less difficult than he feared. That didn’t make it easy, though.


	17. French Toast

They relaxed and cuddled, watching Fantasy Netflix until it was lunchtime. “I could take you somewhere,” Kravitz offered. “Or I could, could pick up something somewhere and just bring it here.”

Taako shook his head and sighed. “It’s been hours since I got home and I haven’t really talked to any of those chucklefucks yet.” He felt the pit of guilt in his stomach grow marginally. 

Kravitz rubbed his arm supportively. “I’ll stay with you, if you want,” he said, “so you won’t have to, to talk to them alone.” Taako kissed his cheek affectionately, grateful for his support. 

They made their way downstairs, Taako still barefaced without makeup and wearing simple clothing. Maybe this was something he would try more often. He used to feel anxious without his cool outfits and dazzling makeup acting as his armor, making him feel more self-confident. Somehow, he wasn’t as anxious as he would normally be having others see him without being dolled up. Well, and his glamour could help keep his self-esteem up when he felt like he might be exposing his real self too much.

Although, he was still feeling anxious about talking to the others after the whole running away debacle, having to apologize for how he treated Barry, for leaving without explaining why. Luckily, after peeking around, he saw there was nobody in the living room or the kitchen.

Kravitz offered to cook, since Taako might be tired from all of the emotions, but the elf refused, saying that cooking would help him feel more normal. He opened the windows to let in the sunshine and fresh air, helping to relax him. He decided that noon wasn’t too late to have brunch, and started making french toast. It was simple enough for him to make even if he might get distracted by his thoughts, but still tasty. Plus, Kravitz had a total sweet tooth, and he was happy to humor him.

The smell apparently carried outside, because Merle and Lucretia soon walked into the house from where they had been sitting on the porch. “Mind if we join?” Lucretia asked, a bit cautious. It was like she was scared she would make Taako leave again.

He waved his hand in a roundabout way. “Sit down and I’ll make some for ya. We’ll need to buy more eggs afterward, though.” Merle shrugged and hopped on the barstool beside Kravitz, who politely greeted them, Lucretia soon joining them as well.

“Sooo,” the dwarf drawled. He was being so fucking awkward, and clearly knew it. “What’s up, Taako?” It was so forced that the elf laughed.

He twitched his ears good-naturedly in Merle’s direction, not turning to look at him as he mixed the eggs, milk, brown sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla together in a stainless steel bowl. “Just chillin’, the usual. You know how it is.” His voice was teasing, obviously being coy about the whole running away situation.

Lucretia rolled her eyes. “Taako,” she said in her stern voice. His back stiffened. “We just want to know if you’re feeling any better.” He relaxed. She wasn’t going to make him explain anything.

He turned, placing a hand on his hip. “I’m aces, Luce,” he told her. She raised an eyebrow, making him sigh and his tailtip twitch. “What I mean is, I wasn’t doing so hot, but I’m doing a lot better today. Not one hundred fucking percent, natch, but getting better.”

She smiled. “I’m glad,” she replied, seeming satisfied. “We didn’t want to crowd you, so we were kind of avoiding the house. But, we got hungry,” she seemed a little sheepish, making him laugh.

“Oh, I understand completely, darling,” Taako said with a grin. “My cooking’s got a thrall stronger than the fucking relics.” Merle laughed, slapping the counter.

He stroked his beard, regaining his composure. “I know you don’t want us to get all mushy on ya, but we’re happy you’re back, man.” Taako shuffled his feet on the floor. On one hand, he felt hopeful that Merle meant it. That the group really had missed him, worried about him, wanted him to be safe and happy. Unfortunately, that would mean he would feel extra guilty about making them worry. On the other hand, he felt nervous about the possibility that Merle meant it. Having more people close to him who he might need to open up to was frightening, even if they weren’t expecting it of him, even if it was going smoothly with Kravitz.

Eventually, the elf replied. “Thanks,” he said quietly, flipping the french toast on the pan, uncharacteristically serious in his response. His tail was swaying from side to side, showing that he was actually feeling fairly comfortable instead of as nervous as he was earlier.

Then Merle broke the easy silence, asking Taako the question he’d dreaded. “So why’d you decide to run off anyway? We coulda’ given you space if you’d asked, without you having to go… wherever you went,” he said with a vague hand motion.

The elf kept tending to the food cooking in the pan, quiet while he decided what to say. He hadn’t worked through this yet. He honestly thought he’d have more time to come up with a succinct explanation that didn’t leave room for questions. 

“My head was full of too many fuckin’ things at once, homie. I had to go clear it,” he answered, completely avoiding sharing details. Merle seemed satisfied with the answer. Taako was relieved that conversation was over.

Soon they were all eating brunch together, talking and laughing like normal. It made Taako feel a lot better about everything. Maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal that he’d ran away, after all. That they’d already forgiven him.

When they were finished and cleaning up, Lup and Barry walked into the house. Lup smiled, seeming relieved to see him. “Look who’s out and about,” she said fondly, walking up to Taako and slinging her arm around his shoulders with an affectionate purr. He huffed dramatically.

Barry seemed grumpy. Taako looked at him with a guilty expression. “I, uh,” he started with an awkward grimace, tugging an ear. Lup swatted away his hand, trying to get him to quit the anxious habit. “Sorry for… what I did.”

He seemed to accept the apology. “It’s okay, Taako,” he said, and put out a hand to shake. The elf shook it, relieved to have such a clear sign of forgiveness. “But honestly. No magic missiles in the house,” he joked, making Taako roll his eyes.

“Aye aye, cap’n. Consider me banned from indoor magic missiles,” Taako snarked, his usual attitude returning. 

Lup poked him in the side, making him squeak in surprise. Kravitz covered his mouth, stifling a laugh, and Taako glared at them both. “Taaaaaakoooo,” she said in a sing-song voice, making him nervous for what was going to happen next. “Koko Puff. Koko Pebbles. Koko Crispies,” she said, with each cereal pun in a voice more dramatic than the last.

He narrowed his eyes at her, smacking her leg with his tail. “What tells me I’m not going to fuckin’ love what’s going to happen next, sis?” 

She lifted an ear, as if she was confused. “Were you not expecting twin time, my dear brother?” Taako groaned. Of course. He’d have to have another intensely emotional conversation so soon after the last one. He leaned his head on her shoulder in defeat.

She seemed to get glee from his annoyance and linked her arm with his, leading him up to his room so she could drag him onto the roof. “Tell Kravitz I love him and I’ll write every day!” He shouted dramatically down the stairwell, as if Lup was taking him overseas instead of just upstairs, earning some laughs from the group in the kitchen.

Taako brought pillows and blankets with them so they could at least make a snuggle pile on the roof. If he had to do twin time right now, he could at least be comfy. “Whatcha’ got on your mind, homie?” he asked casually.

Lup was sitting cross-legged on top of a blanket, stretching nonchalantly. “Where’d you go? What did you do? Spill the deets, babe.”

Taako stuck his tongue out at her, shifting so he could lean against a pillow along the slope of the roof beside the platform. “At first I was just going away in general, natch. Then I realized I was kinda close to Refuge, so I went there to talk to Istus in her temple,” he answered with a shrug. “She basically said to stop being a dumbass. It somehow helped.” 

Lup laughed, moving to be beside him and leaning her head on his shoulder. “I wish you would have told me you were leaving,” she told him quietly. “I was worried.”

He felt some bitterness arise. He’d decided not to confront the group about the conversation he overheard, sure, but maybe talking to Lup about it would clear the air. “I heard you. Telling the others my business.” His tailtip was twitching from frustration.

Her mouth twisted with a frown. “I wasn’t… Babe, I wasn’t trying to invade your privacy,” she explained, rubbing his back. “I just thought they had a right to know. These people care about you. They love you. I love you.”

Taako’s ears were flat against his head after hearing her say that. Lup saying that the group loved him made him angry, mostly because he didn’t believe it was true, even if he wanted it to be. “You know you have to tell the truth in twin time, Fruit-Lup.” He lashed his tail.

She wrapped her arm around his shoulder. “I am,” she said simply. “Even if you don’t let them in, don’t want to love them back, it doesn’t stop them from caring about you, Koko.” His sister started to purr quietly, leaning her head against his shoulder, wanting the contact to comfort him. He didn’t reply, staring silently at the blanket below them. He was glad to have her company again, though.

“But really, what did Istus say?” Lup asked after a moment of quiet. 

Taako grumbled, crossing his arms. “She told me to go home and face my fears. Stop pushing everyone away and keeping all my problems to myself. But ugh, it’s not that fucking simple and she knows it.” He dug his fingernails into his biceps.

His sister didn’t reply, as if contemplating Istus’s message. She changed the subject again. “Have you talked to your bone boy about it yet?” She playfully flicked him with her tail.

He sighed and tried to get rid of his bad mood. Keeping a grudge against Lup for caring about him and thinking the others did too wouldn’t solve anything and was in fact completely asinine. “Yeah, I talked to Krav. I actually… well, I tried doing what you said. How you’d shared things that hurt you with Barry, and it had helped,” he stated, trying to keep himself calm, relaxing his hands so his nails were no longer digging into his skin. “We’re taking it slow. Just a little bit at a time, for sure. I get overwhelmed easy, you know that.”

She seemed delighted, her ears lifting with excitement. “Taako!!” she squealed, giving him a too-tight hug he squawked at. “I’m so proud of you!” She was purring loudly with joy. He glared at her until she let go, secretly pleased to have someone recognize and validate how tough it was to start opening up, her praise helping build up his self-esteem after his recent breakdowns.

“Yeah, yeah,” he replied fondly, gently shoving her off of him with a grin. “Get off me, you big dingus.” She pretended to be offended and smacked him with a pillow, causing a small pillow fight before the two decided to take it indoors.


	18. Sharing

Kravitz was waiting in Taako’s room for the two elves to return from their twin time on the roof when they entered through the window. He looked up with a start, sitting up straight in Taako’s desk chair, their entrance surprising him. He’d been working in his bounty notebook again so he could kill time (ha, ha) while Taako was busy with his sister.

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Lup said with a suggestive wink, already walking toward the doorway to leave the room. 

Taako scoffed and smacked her with his tail. “Get outta here, you fuckin’ gerblin,” he told her, only half joking. Kravitz chuckled.

The elf turned to him. “I’m a little surprised you’re still here. I mean, it’s obviously cool, I’m happy you stayed.” He walked over to the bed and flopped down onto it, enjoying laying in the pile of pillows and blankets that he and his sister had just used during twin time. He curled up on his side, surrounded by the soft materials like a nest. 

Looking over at his boyfriend again, he told him, “I love the outfit, by the way.” Apparently he’d changed while Taako was busy with Lup. The outfit in question was soft cotton pajamas decorated with little stars and wizard hats. It was entirely too gaudy for his regular wardrobe, but he tolerated wearing it because Taako had given it to him as a gift.

Kravitz stood up, closing his work notebook and letting it evaporate like his scythe into the astral plane where he kept his things. He sat on the edge of the bed next to Taako’s pillow pile and sweetly pushed some of the hair that had fallen across his face back behind his ear, making his boyfriend look up at him and smile. “I figured we would take a nap. You didn’t get a lot of rest when you were… on vacation.” 

Taako snorted. “That’s one way to put it.” He leaned his head into Kravitz’s hand, enjoying the attention.

The reaper hesitantly began speaking in a more serious tone. “Love, I have a, a question. Why is it that Lup purrs all the time, in front of everyone, and you don’t?” He seemed concerned, as he was nervous to push Taako too far.

Taako shrugged, closing his eyes, preparing for the long answer. “Elves only purr when we’re vulnerable. Well, elves from my plane. I’m not fuckin’ explaining it well, my man.” He curled his tail around himself, snuggling down into the blankets to get more comfortable. Kravitz waited patiently for him to continue, taking one of his hands in his own. “We can choose to purr whenever we want. But it happens naturally when we feel safe enough to be vulnerable.” 

He searched for an example, trying to convey how purring works. He felt acutely aware of the fact that the reaper had been human and also not from his home plane, so he was clueless about any of this. “Like, when I was recovering from my anxiety attack, and I was purring once I reached my bedroom. I felt safe there, but still vulnerable, showing my emotions. Also, it’s a comfort thing. Both to purr and hear purrs, it comforts us. Lup and I, I mean.” 

Kravitz seemed confused, still. “Does Lup feel vulnerable all the time? Is she, is she okay?” He knitted his eyebrows together in concern, but Taako shook his head, dispelling his fears.

“She’s able to purr naturally whenever she’s happy, uh, because she’s comfortable showing all of her emotions, just whenever she’d like,” he explained quietly, his tail completely still as his mood dropped. “That’s a tough thing, exposing how you feel to others.” He shivered. Kravitz rubbed the back of his hand with a thumb soothingly.

After a small moment, Taako started explaining again. “She can feel vulnerable in front of her friends and it doesn’t scare her. She can let herself be vulnerable, and it doesn’t wreck her.” His ears were drooping, and he seemed sad. “I can’t, though. I sure as hell don’t want to be vulnerable around any of the motherfuckers in this household.”

His boyfriend leaned down and kissed the top of his head, then sat back up again. “That doesn’t reflect badly on you, darling.” Taako looked up at him, clearly doubtful. “No, really,” the reaper reassured him with a sweet smile. “You don’t have to, to wear your emotions on your sleeve all the time. Most people don’t. It’s okay.” 

Taako hummed. “I envy that she trusts so many people, though. That she feels safe enough with all those people downstairs to purr.” He was being so, so open right now. And it… didn’t feel too bad, he thought. Uncomfortable, but not bad.

Kravitz moved some of the pillows in the nest surrounding the elf, pulling some blankets in his direction before he snuggled in, pulling a blanket over himself and smooching Taako’s cheek, making him blush. He was on his side too, facing Taako the same way they’d had their last heart-to-heart talk. He was staying quiet, patiently listening to what his boyfriend had to say, not wanting to interrupt his train of thought.

Rubbing his cheek where he’d been kissed, Taako started talking again, wanting Kravitz to fully understand the situation at hand. “I want you to know I trust you. And I feel safe with you,” he explained, fidgeting. The elf’s cheeks reddened with shame and he avoided eye contact. “I just have trouble letting myself feel that way in front of anyone. I’m not used to it yet. Don’t take it personally.” The reaper nodded understandingly.

He took one of Kravitz’s hands, threading their fingers together. “I want to try, though, to become closer to you.” He was already becoming more honest, finding it easier to explain these private things to his boyfriend, less self-conscious when he spoke for too long at a time. He was already starting to heal.

Kravitz pulled a blanket more closely over his boyfriend’s shoulder, as if tucking him in. It felt very cozy and private in the nest of pillows and blankets, making Taako feel warm inside, safe and secure. “That’s okay, love,” he responded. “I’m not offended. Take your time.” 

He smiled, looking into Taako’s eyes before continuing. “We have all the time in, in the world, right?” His tone was light and he was gazing at his boyfriend fondly. “There’s no rush. Take it slow, don’t stress.” 

Taako breathed deeply. The thought relaxed him, that he could take as long as he needed to open up to Kravitz, that he would be patiently waiting until he finally let him in. Except for one little detail.

“Krav, what about you?” he asked, leaning his forehead against the reaper’s, which conveniently hid his sad, worried expression. “You deserve someone who can… who can talk to you. Can trust you completely.” 

Kravitz hummed quietly, pulling Taako’s hand to his lips and giving it a kiss while he thought of how to respond. “You’re talking to me right now, dear. And I, I don’t want someone else.”

Taako blushed and sniffled at how sweet his boyfriend was. “Thank you,” he said softly, snuggling closer to Kravitz so he could hug him around the waist and rest his head over his chest. Then he grimaced. “By the way, you feel like an ice sculpture, my fella.” It was an exaggeration, of course – touching him was like the equivalent of stepping from the burning sunlight into cool shade. It was pleasant. But breaking the heavy mood, they plunged back into familiar territory and felt more comfortable.

The reaper laughed, gently pushing Taako off of him and laying one of the blankets over his whole body except his head. “Now try.”

The elf sidled up to him again, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and sighing happily. “That’s more like it.” Kravitz hugged him back and held him loosely.

“I have an idea,” the reaper said suddenly. Taako thought they were down for a snuggle sesh and probably a nap, so he was confused by Kravitz bringing up something new, looking up at him and lifting an eyebrow. “No, listen,” he insisted. “It might help you feel more, more comfortable talking about your personal stuff, if, if I told you more about me, too.” 

Taako lifted his ears, the suggestion getting his attention. “That sounds good to me, stud,” he replied, sounding cautiously curious.

Kravitz absentmindedly began stroking Taako’s head, smoothing out his hair and relaxing him. “I’ll tell you about my family, I guess,” he quietly began. “I haven’t told you about them yet, I, I think.” Taako shook his head. 

“Alright, then,” he said, sounding hesitant. “I had a, a mother, but no father. Well, obviously I did at some point, but he didn’t, didn’t stick around until I was born. I had a little brother, too. Tai. He was like, like Angus in some ways.” His voice sounded soft and happy. “My mother was named Elyn. She’s the one who taught me how to, to sing.”

Taako nuzzled his boyfriend, appreciating that he was reciprocating by sharing more about himself. In the months they had dated, most of their conversations were about superficial topics, light joking, or flirtation – contrastingly, in the past few days, their talking had become deeper, and much more personal. The elf had thought it would be horrifying to open up to someone, but he found he was enjoying it more and more.

Kravitz continued. “I was a bard, before I died. You knew that. But she, she encouraged me, helped me become someone who could sing with confidence, and believe in my abilities.” His tone changed to be more wistful. “She died when, when she was forty. I was twenty-three.”

The elf gently rubbed his hand against Kravitz’s side, trying to comfort him through the gentle touch. “It’s okay, dear,” he explained, “it’s been over four hundred years. I’m not so upset about it anymore.” He reached up to pull his dreadlocks out of their high ponytail, letting them sprawl across the pillow instead. “Tai was sixteen. Parenting didn’t come naturally to me,” he admitted. “I was barely more than a teenager myself, but I tried to raise him as, as best I could.” Taako heard Kravitz pause and swallow before speaking. “He died when he was twenty.”

Taako sat up, looking at Kravitz, and gently reached over to stroke his cheek. “I didn’t know,” the elf said quietly, looking into his eyes.

“I didn’t tell you,” the reaper replied in a mildly cheeky tone, placing his hand on top of Taako’s and giving him a bittersweet smile.

The elf moved, getting into a position snuggled against his boyfriend’s side, laying his head on his shoulder and hugging Kravitz’s arm to his chest. “How did you become a reaper? Unless that’s, uh, too much for right now, babe.”

The reaper shook his head. He was glad to explain. “In life, I was a worshipper of, of the Raven Queen. She saw how I never lost faith, even as, as my family passed away one by one. How I kept loving the goddess of death, even if she, she had taken so much from me.” 

Taako was looking up at him, surprised and admiring. He knew his boyfriend stuck to his guns, but damn. He was dedicated to his beliefs.

“I was only twenty-nine,” Kravitz stated, continuing the story. “Medicine was much more… rudimentary, back then. I died from, from something that nowadays, wouldn’t be a problem to heal.” He tilted his head toward Taako’s, lightly letting their heads touch, a sweet and intimate gesture. “The Raven Queen met me there, when my soul left my body. She offered to let me join my family in the astral plane, but explained that she had, had a proposition instead, for a different option.”

He rubbed Taako’s arm, as if to steady both the elf and himself. “She told me how they’d had to find their own way to the astral plane, to their afterlife. That it was sudden and confusing, with, with nobody to guide them or explain what was happening.” He paused, his voice becoming quieter. “I didn’t exactly love hearing that my family members had to go through that.”

But then Kravitz smiled, a small but genuine smile. He was grateful to his goddess. “But, she told me that nobody else would have to, to be alone after they died, if I became one of her emissaries, and helped guide souls to their proper place in, in the astral plane. I accepted the job, of course.”

Taako lifted an ear in confusion. “Then what are the bounties?” That didn’t quite fit into the job description.

Kravitz chuckled. “Some souls don’t exactly do what they, they should. There are loopholes of death that Raven Queen would like to close in some cases, if the person is, is breaking the laws of life and death.” He tapped his finger against Taako’s nose, his voice becoming fond. “My little freak of nature, dying a, a bunch of times and still being fine.” Taako scrunched up his nose in response, pretending to be annoyed, but was really full of affection.

A comfortable silence drifted into the conversation, effectively ending it on the light note. Both of the two were feeling relaxed and closer than ever, after each had made an effort to open up and talk about private matters they had previously hidden from view. 

Taako finally felt like he was able to be vulnerable in front of Kravitz without fear. Sure, he might be uncomfortable talking about difficult topics, but it wasn’t because of a lack of trust in the reaper. And he was so peaceful in that moment. 

He began quietly purring, a little stuttering and shy at first and then more relaxed and even. He was fully aware of the fact that it meant they’d become more closely bonded, knowing Kravitz could hear it. His boyfriend smiled and pulled him closer. 

Then they finally took that nap Taako wanted earlier. Thank goodness. He was exhausted.


	19. Fluff

When the pair woke up, it was around three in the afternoon on that lovely Wednesday. Taako blinked sleepily, stretching and kicking the spare pillows off of the bed with a yawn. “Krav?” he murmured, turning toward the reaper and snuggling up to him. They’d drifted apart during the nap.

“Mm?” His boyfriend hummed and wrapped his arm around Taako’s shoulders, pulling him closer. He wasn’t really all that awake yet. Sure, reapers didn’t need sleep, but it sure was nice. 

The elf lazily moved his tail under the blankets, waving it from side to side contentedly. “I’m glad you’re here,” he told him, his voice steady and sincere. He was finding it easier to speak honestly to his boyfriend, and the growing skill made him feel more confident in his ability to fix his other problems.

Kravitz opened one eye and looked at Taako with a smile. “Is someone getting all sappy on me?” Taako scoffed with a grin and playfully gave his boyfriend a light shove. He didn’t budge. 

Stretching, the reaper lifted his arms above his head, extending all of his muscles with a satisfying sigh. Then he sat up and turned to look down at his boyfriend. “How are you feeling, love?”

Taako pondered for a moment. “Thirsty, I guess,” he replied. “Other than that, happy. Safe.” He smiled at Kravitz and reached up, grabbing his boyfriend and pulling him back down to lay beside him and snuggle, earning a laugh. 

“I’ll get you some water if you let me up,” the reaper negotiated, kissing the tip of Taako’s nose, causing a blush and a purr. Kravitz grinned when he heard it, making the elf glare at him, which just made his boyfriend laugh. 

Taako let go of him with a “Fiiiiiine, go on then,” and a dramatic wave. The reaper just looked at him fondly.

Then Kravitz paused, his hand on the doorknob, about to exit the room. “Would anyone mind if I went downstairs in my pajamas?” he wondered. Such a polite guy, worrying about others’ sensibilities.

Taako snickered. “If you don’t mind being made fun of, then go ahead, my dude.” His boyfriend rolled his eyes and sauntered downstairs. The elf heard a wolf whistle shortly afterward, making him giggle. He could only imagine Kravitz’s disgruntled blush.

When he was gone, Taako noticed in the mirror that his glamour earring had fallen off in his sleep. He considered putting it back on, but… maybe he could just try going without it. Just for a little bit, and only with Kravitz. He placed it carefully on his bedside table.

After only a short amount of time, Kravitz returned carrying a glass of water for Taako, still looking like he had some lingering embarrassment from his interactions downstairs. His expression softened with fondness when he saw Taako’s glamour was gone. “Thanks, babe,” the elf said, his ears slightly lifted, indicating that he was happy and very much at peace. 

“No problem,” he replied, hopping back into the bed and pulling blankets around him, his wings fluttering as he moved. The reaper never technically felt cold, but it was nice to feel warm. “Hey, what’s your opinion on necklaces?”

His boyfriend looked at him, seeming puzzled. “They’re fine. I wear them sometimes, if you didn’t notice, bone-daddy.” Taako grinned seeing Kravitz’s displeased face at the tacky nickname. “Whatcha’ asking for?”

“Oh, you know,” Kravitz said with a small wave of his hand, “just learning more about you.” He seemed smug.

Taako immediately knew what was going on and he sat up, his ears lifted in curiosity. “Is someone planning something?” With a conniving expression, he moved to sit on Kravitz’s lap, his hands on his boyfriend’s chest, looking down at his face. His hands were pinned under Taako’s legs and he was effectively held prisoner. 

The reaper looked up at the elf in pretend-annoyance, narrowing his eyes. “I might be, if, if you let me up, dear.” 

“Not until you spill!” he giggled. Kravitz shook his head and kept looking up at the elf, feigning progressively more and more grumpy expressions, his eyes sparkling with mischief anyway.The hostage situation often worked. Not this time, apparently. Taako laughed and moved to the side, allowing Kravitz to relax beside him.

Unfortunately, Taako couldn’t hear that someone was planning something without having to know what the plan was, especially if it involved gifts, and most especially if that gift was for him. He also didn’t want to be a complete pest about it and accidentally discourage his boyfriend from getting him gifts. It was a delicate balance of being endearingly annoying and hopefully making Kravitz share his thoughts without making him actually irritated. Of course, Kravitz never seemed to tire of his antics, but it was still on his mind.

Taako laid his arms around Kravitz’s neck, delicately crossing his wrists behind his head, his face a bit less than an arm length’s from his boyfriend’s. “Well, don’t keep it from me,” he said with a soft whine. 

Kravitz chuckled. “Nope.” He was trying to play it cool, but the feathers by his ears were puffed up a bit in a telltale sign of excitement. Apparently giving a gift was as fun as receiving one.

Taako leaned in and looked into Kravitz’s eyes, their noses brushing. “You can’t keep a secret from me,” he insisted with a giggle. His tail was lifted and moving from side to side, showing off how playful and happy he felt.

The reaper closed his eyes and gave Taako a small kiss on the lips. “You’ll just have to wait,” he said, smiling against his boyfriend’s mouth. Damn him. He won that round for sure.

Pulling away with a blush, Taako sighed and flopped on his back. “I guess I’ll just stay here forever hiding from my evil secret-keeping boyfriend.” Kravitz pinched his side, right where he was most ticklish, making him squeal and wrap his arms tightly around his belly, glaring at him. The reaper just looked amused.

“Even if I wanted to spoil the, the surprise, I don’t have it with me. So you will really have to, to just hold on, love.” Kravitz finally revealed that there really was a gift involved. Taako sat up and gave his boyfriend another smooch, giggling. So he’d won in the end.

After a few happy moments, Taako stretched, yawning again. “I think I’m officially bored of being in this room,” he declared with a flick of his ears. “I’ve been spending way too much time in here moping recently. It fucking stops now.”

Kravitz moved behind his boyfriend, taking his large braid of hair in his hands and untying the end, slowly undoing it. In the nap and following scuffle it had become rather untidy. “What do you have in mind?” The lovesick fool sounded like he would agree with anything Taako suggested, making the elf’s chest feel warm and happy.

Tilting his head back to give the reaper better access to the hair framing his face, Taako tried to think of some activity that would ease his boredom, but honestly couldn’t come up with anything. Angus couldn’t hang out on Wednesdays, so that was out. He was still somewhat avoiding the others in the household, so that was also not really an option. Fuck. He was out of ideas. “We could… go somewhere? You know of any good vay-cay spots, darling?”

Instead of replying, Kravitz focused on the braid. He was taking it slow, smoothing over each portion as he worked it into the plait, taking care not to tug on it. “Krav?” Taako prompted after a few seconds of silence.

“I know a place,” he said, sounding unsure, maybe still in his thoughts. “It’s a secret. But since we’re, we’re sharing secrets today, maybe that’s appropriate.” 

Oh hells yeah. Taako loves getting in on others’ secrets. “I’m listenin’, babe,” he drawled, feeling his boyfriend finish tying off the braid. 

Kravitz picked up the braid and placed it over Taako’s shoulder, kissing the back of his neck chastely. “One time I had a bounty there. A tiefling had escaped on the way to a sea prison, jumping off the ship. Somehow, she survived drifting dozens of miles, finding a small island to rest on. Of course, I was tasked with taking her soul for her necromantic crimes.” He moved to sit beside Taako, easily putting one arm around his waist. “It was a little ironic she had done so much to survive and then I showed up. Oh well,” he shrugged.

The elf crinkled his nose. “And this is fun and romantic how, exactly?” He lifted a hand to move a couple of Kravitz’s dreadlocks back over his shoulder.

He smiled, meeting Taako’s gaze. “It’s an undiscovered island, dear, over a hundred miles away from, from any other land, with white beaches, and palm trees.” His eyes grew dreamy. “I sometimes go there to think. Sometimes to, to sing.”

“I’d love that,” the elf said, then grinned. “So you’re just gonna go in your pajamas, then?” he asked teasingly. “A sight for sore eyes for any tieflings lost at sea, I imagine.” Kravitz chuckled and removed his arm from around his boyfriend, bumping his shoulder against Taako’s. 

The reaper stood up. “You know I can summon whatever I have in the astral plane, right? I just wear the clothes you have here for me because it makes you happy?” Taako crossed his arms and pouted.

He replied, “Admit it. You like wearing lounge clothes. You just don’t have any because you’re so fuckin’ formal all the time.” 

Kravitz grinned. “You’ll never hear me say it,” he said with a wink. Then he lifted his hand and in a flash, ruby red swimming trunks appeared in his hand. 

“They match your eyes,” Taako gasped. “Thank Istus I chose a man with some kind of fashion sense for once.” Kravitz laughed and went over to Taako’s dresser, opening drawers until he found the one for Taako’s swimsuits. 

He paused. “What kind do you want?” The elf, in all of his both feminine and masculine glory, owned bikinis, one-pieces, swimming trunks, speedos, you name it.

Taako looked at him with a sneaky expression. “Surprise me,” he said again. He knew he was really putting the pressure on Kravitz, the blushing guy in front of him who looked like he was the one getting surprised. He turned and pawed through the drawer, seeming genuinely curious and a little nervous. 

He had to pick something that covered enough skin that he was respecting that Taako was more than a piece of meat, but sensual enough that he didn’t make the elf think he wasn’t attracted to him. Eventually he chose a bikini that had a small skirt as the bottoms and a matching frilly top. “Good choice,” his boyfriend applauded him. He felt relieved.

Taako hopped up off of the bed and took the swimsuit from Kravitz. “Uh, I guess I’ll change in the bathroom. You got this room, stud.” He walked to the door to the restroom, then turned to wink at his boyfriend. “Don’t peek.” He closed the door with a click.

Kravitz tried not to get flustered by his love, but it happened nearly every day. Pushing away his shyness, he quickly changed into the swim trunks, putting his dreadlocks back into their ponytail again as well. Hesitantly, he opened his hand and a small velvet box appeared in it, materializing from the astral plane, pondering if he should take it with him now or just summon it later. He heard a sound from the door just then. Quickly, before Taako could possibly know, he vanished it back, safe and sound.

“Are you decent?” Taako called from inside the restroom. “I’m all dressed now. Well, as much as a fuckin’ swimsuit counts for that, anyway.” Kravitz answered in the affirmative.

The reaper was placing his pajamas in the dirty clothes hamper when Taako entered the room again. He didn’t want to be rude and stare, so after looking at his boyfriend for a moment he snapped his eyes away from him. Taako was wearing the swimsuit he’d picked out and holding a couple of beach towels, looking pretty excited to be going to the beach.

But then Kravitz couldn’t help taking a few more glances, trying not to be noticeable. “Real subtle, my man,” Taako teased. “I see you getting an eyefull.” Kravitz laughed, a bit embarrassed, and shrugged. 

“I think I’m, I’m showing more skin than you, love. Let’s not get weird about it, now,” the reaper reminded him. Taako huffed and went to grab a sunhat from his closet that matched his swimsuit. It was a rich purple like the irises of his eyes with white accents, so he decided to take a plain white hat with a wide brim. 

Before he left, he grabbed a short white wand with glittering with silver accents and a bag that could fit a few necessities like his stone of far speech. Plus some obnoxious heart-shaped sunglasses. They were absolutely fucking necessary. “I’m all ready now, gorgeous. Let’s get this show on the road.” 

With a smile, Kravitz approached Taako and took his hand, threading their fingers together affectionately. Then he lifted his hand, materializing his scythe, and neatly sliced a rip in the reality beside them. “Close your eyes, love,” he told the elf, and pulled him through the portal.


	20. Beach Episode

. That was definitely a hard pill to swallow, that family could be a good thing, something he could want.

Third, Kravitz was doing really well with all of this emotional shit. Like, he’d had an anxiety attack, dissociated, ran away, refused to talk about it – and he just rolled with it, endlessly supporting him. His heart swelled with gratitude. It seemed his past was a little more sad than Taako had known, but secretly Taako was glad – not for his boyfriend’s suffering, not at all, but just the fact that it seemed Kravitz could empathize with him more as a result of it.

Fourth, Kravitz brought him to his favorite thinking spot. That has to mean something, right? Like, a person’s private retreat isn’t something you share lightly. Again, it made him feel special, and valued, and wanted. Taako’s tail was happily moving about even though he was meditating.

Fifth, he was going to get a gift from Kravitz soon, most probably a necklace. Even before seeing it he knew he’d never take it off. 

Taako kept focusing on his breath. He felt comfortable, safe, and at peace. Maybe this was what Istus meant when she said he could heal. For sure, he had a fucking long way to go, but it was nice to see what life could be like if he wasn’t dominated by fear each day. Hope filled his mind, and he entered the meditative trance completely. He stayed in the trance until Kravitz woke up, the sound of his yawn pulling Taako out of the trance.

Blinking, seeming a little confused, Kravitz pushed himself up onto his elbows. “Morning, sleepyhead,” Taako said fondly, turning his head to look at him. “Nice nap?” The reaper nodded, not awake enough yet to speak. 

He rolled over onto his back, then shifted to press his body up against Taako’s. “You’re warm,” he mumbled, kissing his shoulder. Taako moved to let him rest his head on his bicep, cradling him with an arm.

Taako giggled. “Everything must feel warm to you, mister ice cube,” he teased.

Kravitz laid an arm across Taako’s stomach in a loose hug. “Fair enough,” he responded, his eyes still closed from how he was sleepy and relaxed after the nap. “You’re the, the best source of warmth, though.”

The elf smiled, his tail waving once or twice from the compliment. “You’re just saying that because I got you those funny pajamas you were wearing earlier,” he joked. 

Kravitz smirked. “Sure. Of course, that’s, that’s the reason.” Taako laughed. 

After a few moments of quiet, Taako asked a question he’d pondered over earlier, when his boyfriend was still napping. “Krav, how do you get to spend so much time with me? Doesn’t the Raven Queen need you for, like, guiding souls and stuff?” He hadn’t asked before because he didn’t want to jinx it or call attention to it somehow, but at this point asking questions was modus operandum, so whatever.

Kravitz yawned before replying. “She gives me bounty assignments, and sometimes I do some, some guiding of souls into the afterlife at, at night when you’re sleeping. I do my part for her, and she lets me have my free time. There’s enough of us reapers around nowadays that it isn’t a, a 24/7 gig, really.” 

“Well, I’m glad,” Taako said, turning his head so he could kiss the top of Kravitz’s head. “I like having you around, stud. Even if you haven’t returned my Fantasy Beyonce CD yet,” he teased.

Kravitz chuckled. “If I bought it for you when she was on tour, can’t we at least share it sometimes?” Taako flicked his leg with a tail, not giving him a verbal reply but showing his amusement through body language.

The sun began gently touching the horizon, a long orange and yellow line on the water reflecting toward them on the beach, soft warm-colored clouds highlighted by the evening rays of light. They both sat up, comfortably basking in the late afternoon warmth. Kravitz put his arm around Taako, pulling him close to his side, making the elf giggle and elbow him affectionately for making him move. “Did you have fun today, dear?” He asked, looking down at Taako.

“For sure, my dude,” he responded, leaning his head on Kravitz’s shoulder. “This place is the fuckin’ bomb.” After a moment, he said more quietly, “I liked talking to you.” He kissed the top of Taako’s head, filled with warmth and affection for his boyfriend. 

Kravitz looked down at his boyfriend with a fond smile. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, placing his hand on Taako’s cheek. 

He leaned into the touch, his eyes closed. “Not anymore,” he grumbled, ears dropping an inch.

The reaper shushed him. “You are,” he insisted, giving him a brief kiss on the lips. “You’re lovely, Taako. Especially without your glamour. I love seeing your real face.”

Taako cringed. “I just… it doesn’t feel like my real face,” he explained. “It hurts to think this is what I look like.”

Kravitz gave him a kiss on his eyebrow, his cheekbone, his eyelid, his nose, his chin, his lips. “I’m sorry you have to go through this, love. But I think you look incredible, even if you don’t.”

The elf blushed with all the affection. “Okay, okay,” he agreed, starting to smile. “I get it, you sappy fuck.” Kravitz laughed and pulled him closer.

The sun was steadily sliding down past the horizon, appearing to melt into the water. It was a lovely scene. Kravitz, using the hand further from Taako, spread his palm and discretely materialized the small velvet box in his hand. He’d given his boyfriend gifts before, but this one felt more significant. He was actually feeling a little nervous.

Taako lifted his head from Kravitz’s shoulder, twitching an ear, a little concerned. “You’re all tensed up, babe. You good?”

Kravitz chuckled and nodded, turning to face Taako, his hand concealing the box. “Yeah, I’m, I’m good. I just got. Nervous all of the sudden?” He was blushing, fluttering his wings, and looking down at his hand where the box was hiding. 

Taako tilted his head and reached forward to take his hand in order to comfort his boyfriend. But then he felt the edges of the box, lifting an ear as his confusion grew.

The reaper flipped over his hand, palm up, and opened his hand to reveal the box. “I, uh, I’ve been planning to give you this for a while, but it, it feels right, now.” He placed it in Taako’s hand, looking up at his boyfriend shyly. 

The elf in question was surprised but clearly struck by affection for his boyfriend. He leaned in and gave Kravitz a lingering kiss on the lips before taking the box. “I guessed it earlier,” he said, his tone light and teasing. Kravitz nodded and grinned.

Looking down at his hands, Taako opened the box slowly. “Oh,” he gasped, lifting the necklace out of the box, looking starstruck. “Oh, Krav…” 

It was a raven feather, one side black obsidian and the other side pure gold, hanging on a thin silver chain. Kravitz was blushing as he began speaking. “The, the black side is to represent me, clearly. But the gold, ah, you just,” he stuttered, leaning in to give him a peck on the cheek. “You’re like a light in my life, is all.”

Taako was filled overwhelmingly with emotions. He felt loved, his boyfriend going through all the effort to get such a unique gift. Valued, important, wanted. And he’d been feeling like such an emotional drain recently, it meant a lot to have Kravitz show such a strong sign of affection at this time. He threw his arms around Kravitz’s neck and buried his face in his shoulder, determined not to cry (he’d had enough of that over the past few days) and breathing deeply to try to calm himself. He was so happy he felt he could die. “I love you, Krav,” he mumbled.

The reaper chuckled, wrapping his wings around him, as if knowing he needed a little extra emotional support when he was overwhelmed. “I love you too, darling,” he responded, rubbing his back until the elf pulled away. “May I…?” he asked, reaching for the necklace. 

Taako nodded and turned around, moving his braid over his shoulder. Kravitz fastened it around his neck and then fixed his hair the way it was, his touches gentle, almost reverent. “There,” he said as the elf turned around. The black side was showing, and he smiled, running his finger over it lightly. “You look good in black, love.” 

Taako laughed and kissed his boyfriend. “So do you,” he responded, smiling against the reaper’s lips.

And they were still kissing when darkness settled around them, the sun completely gone.


	21. Untangling

That next morning Taako woke up in his bed with a cold sweat, as usual. Shivering, he closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing, pulling his knees to his chest and pressing his face into them, hiding from the world. Tears rolled freely down his cheeks and he choked down a sob.

It was Sazed. He thought he was over this by now. He and Lup had cooked together so many times, her gently guiding him back to normalcy, helping him over his fear of poisoning, helping him remember it wasn’t his fault.

But she hadn’t been able to fix his fear of the man himself. Or the memories he had of the way he’d been treated.

He looked at his stone of far speech. It told him that it was only five in the morning that Thursday. Kravitz had left him around eleven the night before for more bounty hunting, and he’d gotten at least a handful of hours of sleep. Just enough that he didn’t have to sleep more or meditate. In fact, Taako felt so overwhelmed at that moment that he knew meditation would just make it worse, hearing all the other people around him in this house. He just wanted to be completely alone, unable to feel safe around others right now. He was glad Kravitz had gone home last night, because he might not be able to handle making him leave so he could cry in peace.

But he heard a light knock on the door, and his breathing stopped completely, feeling fear shoot down his spine. He lifted his head, closing his eyes hard and reopening them. He was home, not in the Sizzle It Up wagon. The person entering the room was someone who he could at least feel relatively safe around. Not Sazed. He forced himself to breathe again, and say in a raspy voice, “Come in.”

The door opened and Lup stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. “I was meditating and I heard you,” she explained quietly. Then she climbed into the bed and sat beside Taako, wrapping her arms around him and leaning her head against his. He found himself beginning to calm down, listening to her purr, allowing himself to feel safe again. His tensed muscles relaxed and his tears slowed until he was no longer crying. They sat there in silence for a while, just breathing in the calm atmosphere, Taako feeling grateful to his sister for coming to his aid when he was too afraid to ask for help. It was comforting that she didn’t pry or ask him to talk about it, either.

Eventually she leaned away from him. “Want some coffee?” she asked, none of their regular jabs and teasing present. It was emotional honesty time, walls-down time, time to be gentle and loving.

Taako nodded and stood up off the bed with a long stretch. They made their way downstairs, the kitchen and living room completely vacant. He didn’t bother putting on the earring that gave him his arcane cosmetics. The sun was still an hour from rising. 

Lup made the coffee this time while Taako sat on a barstool, his tail moving slowly from side to side as he was deep in thought. “Taako,” Lup interrupted his thoughts, an eyebrow raised. He looked up at her, surprised. “I’ve said your name three times, babe,” she told him, leaning back against the counter beside the coffee machine. “You good?”

He waved his hand. “All’s good in Taako land, honey,” he responded automatically, before his ears drooped. “No. Sorry.” He puffed out a sigh. “I don’t know.”

His sister was worried, her ears pulled back in concern. “Can I do anything?”

“You can give me coffee,” he responded, smiling, a little forced. He hopped off of the barstool and started taking out all kinds of stuff to add to his coffee: cream, caramel, chocolate chips, sugar, vanilla, cinnamon. 

Lup pushed herself up so she could sit on the counter, her tail thumping against the lower cabinet doors as she waved her tail in excitement. “Oh hell yeah,” she said, grinning. “It’s fancy coffee day.” He nodded, reaching into a cabinet to pull out a large thermos.

Upon her questioning look, he shrugged. “I just want a lot of coffee. Not running away again.” She breathed a sigh of relief she didn’t know she was holding.

They were sitting on the couch together and sipping their respective coffees, Taako’s with copious amounts of everything that might be a good topping he could get his hands on, and Lup’s with simple caramel and cinnamon. “Something’s on your mind, Koko,” Lup said quietly, looking at how his ears were pulled back and how he was just staring into his drink instead of talking.

He grimaced. “I want to… it’s fucking wild, sis. Now that I’ve started talking about my problems I can’t seem to stop.” Taako was absent-mindedly rubbing the pendant of the necklace Kravitz had given him between his forefinger and thumb. The feeling was soothing, somehow.

She smiled and shrugged, taking another sip of her coffee. “That’s just how it is, I guess. The walls come down and then everything pours out.” He made a disgusted face at her, and she laughed. “No, no,” she explained, “it’s normal. Like, it’s healthy to talk about your shit. We repressed it too long and now it’s like opening a fuckin’ confetti bomb of emotional baggage.” He groaned and leaned his head back against the couch pillows, making her giggle again. 

Taako so did not want to talk about emotional shit all the time, but something in his gut just told him to anyway. Like now the floodgates had opened and everything he’d been holding back came to the surface, just as Lup said. “You didn’t say becoming emotionally healthy would be this fuckin’ annoying, Lup-de-loop.” She rolled her eyes at the tacky nickname. Taako sipped his coffee and admired the sun beginning to rise through the window.

Then they heard stomping feet upstairs. “Magnus is up,” Lup observed, flicking her ears in mild annoyance at the noise disturbing the morning calm. Dude was loud for it being 6:30 AM. Earlier than he normally woke up.

Taako finished his coffee and stood up. He felt his ears twitching and his hands shaking slightly as he walked to the kitchen and began washing out the thermos. Maybe that was too much caffeine. Now he had the jitters in addition to his anxiety giving him shaky hands. 

He heard Magnus’s thumping steps down the stairs and his voice as he entered the kitchen. “Hey, Taako,” he said, yawning as he walked up to the coffee machine beside the elf. “Hi, Lup.” She waved in response, not ready to have a conversation with Magnus this early in the morning.

Magnus’s loud voice made Taako’s ears press against his head. The noise felt like it was jabbing into his skull, not with pain like with the migraine, but just… with sensation. It was too much, overwhelming. He breathed a deep, steady inhale and exhale to center himself as he rinsed the thermos, his hands still shaking.

“So how are you?” Magnus asked, turning to face Taako as he waited for the coffee machine to fill his mug. His eyes widened for a split second seeing there was no glamour, but he quickly regained his composure, trying to act like he hadn’t been surprised.

Taako shrugged. “Been better. But getting better.” He tried not to let it bother him, Magnus seeing him without his glamour, his surprise at seeing his real face. 

And that’s when it went south. He was already on edge from the nightmare and the caffeine jitters. Then Magnus raised his hand to give Taako an encouraging high five. And Taako flinched, his head turning sharply away, seeming to shrink within himself. 

Magnus faltered and withdraw his hand quickly. “Sorry,” he gasped, backing up a few steps to give Taako space. “I wouldn’t… I was trying to give you a high five. Sorry.” He seemed both ashamed and deeply concerned.

From the living room, Lup gave a concerned trill. “What’s going on in there, boyos?”

Taako sat down on the kitchen floor, his back to the cabinet below the sink. His tail was lashing in irritation and anxiety. He was completely fucking embarrassed that he’d flinched from Magnus just trying to give him a gods-damned high five. Who does that? Taako, apparently. “Uh, nothing, Lu,” he answered, his shaky voice giving him away. Fuck. He still refused to meet Magnus’s eye, staring at the kitchen floor in front of him instead. 

Magnus was looking at him uncertainly, like he didn’t know what to do, wondering if leaving or comforting him would be more helpful. Lup got up off the couch and meandered into the kitchen, her confused expression melting into an empathetic one as she saw her brother crouched on the floor. She sank down to sit beside him, leaning her head on his shoulder and starting to purr. “Can Magnus sit down here with us, babe?” she asked, clearly wanting to help smooth over the situation.

The thing was, Taako still felt nervous. It wasn’t just a flinch. He’d felt adrenaline course through his body, the fight-or-flight response in his body choosing flight, caffeine just amplifying the feeling. He would have bolted if it wasn’t someone he trusted as much as Magnus.

And even though Magnus had been through so much with Taako, even though they’d spent a hundred years together and then adventured together for a few more… Right now, all he could see in the muscled arms and hulking shoulders was Sazed’s silhouette. “I…” he choked, closing his eyes tight. “I don’t know.” Tears were starting to form in his eyes and he angrily wiped them away, hating that he was reacting like this. That he might be on the verge of an anxiety attack. 

Unsure, Magnus sat down on the floor a few feet away from them. He’d decided to stay, then. The guy cared too much for his own good. Of course he was nice enough to stay to make sure Taako was okay. 

After a couple minutes of Lup comforting him, his own deep breathing, and Magnus’s awkward silence, Taako sniffled. He was starting to calm down, and the brief moment of crying had ended. He had successfully staved off the anxiety attack (for now). “Okay,” he said, finally looking up to meet Magnus’s eyes. “You can get over here now.” Magnus quickly moved to sit beside Taako, stiff and nervous. 

Taako grumbled and leaned his head on the human’s shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he stated, knowing Magnus would be beating himself up in his mind by now. “I just… you look like someone I knew once.”

The warrior frowned, unsure how to respond. “I know you can’t change that,” Taako continued. “I was just… surprised, just now. You, ah, I was just jumpy already, so.” He tugged an ear, and Lup swatted his hand away as usual. “Sorry for reacting like that.”

“But, like, you- You don’t need to apologize,” Magnus said, tripping over his words in his concern, furrowing his brow. “It’s not your fault.”

Taako felt tears returning to his eyes. Dammit. The big oaf knew just what to say to make him feel safe, and it was the worst. He was grateful to have Magnus as a friend in that moment. “Okay,” he responded, his voice cracking, betraying that he was crying again. Lup wrapped her arms around his waist and held him, still purring against his shoulder. Tentatively, Magnus put one beefy arm over both of the elves’ shoulders.

“Thanks,” he said quietly after a moment. He actually felt safe in their embrace. Comforted. Loved. Magnus hummed, not wanting to put his foot in his mouth, choosing the safe option of staying quiet for now.

That caution didn’t last long. Magnus rushes in, right? “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Taako huffed. “I thought we already did,” he replied, his head still resting on Magnus’s warm shoulder. He almost felt sleepy, with one of his closest friends and his twin sister at his sides, both doing their best to make him feel comforted.

Magnus made a high-pitched “ehhh” noise that showed he didn’t really agree. “It always makes me feel better to talk it out after something like that. It’s, like, healing.” Taako thwapped him with his ear, making him chuckle. “We don’t have to.”

Then Taako paused, remembering Istus’s advice. He just wanted to get better. And he had to want it bad enough to do things that scared him. Letting out a long exhale, his tailtip twitching in mild anxiety, he changed his mind.

“Let’s do it, my man,” he responded. “Let’s have a feelings jam, a real bro sesh.” Lup winced at his weird phrases. He was uncomfortable enough to sound unnatural as he forced a “cool” façade. “Three conditions, though.”

Magnus looked down at him. “I’m listening,” he said, prompting Taako to continue.

“Okay, so,” he started. “One: Kravitz is invited.” Magnus nodded. It seemed reasonable he would want his sister and boyfriend to comfort him if he was opening up to Magnus about something sensitive. “Two: You build a nest.” At the confused expression, Taako felt the need to explain. “Like, a pillow fort? Yeah, you get the idea. Just with round edges.” Magnus nodded, quirking an eyebrow at the strange request but seeming fine with the idea. “Three: You go out and buy snacks, y’know, the good shit. I’m not talking until I have some fuckin’ fantasy Oreos in one hand and Ferrero Rocher in the other.” 

Magnus laughed, standing up from the floor. “Anything else, your highness?” He asked, extending a hand, which Taako took as he stood up with Lup. 

Taako tapped his chin, making a show of pretending to think. “You could deep clean the coffee machine if you wanted to be nice.” Magnus gave him a horrified look. It was tough work to take apart the whole thing to wash each piece and ensure that it was totally pristine. Taako giggled at his expression. “Nah, just pulling your leg. Go buy candy.” 

The warrior gave him a good-natured, somewhat sarcastic salute as he walked toward the front door. “Be back in like, thirty minutes,” he promised, exiting the house.

“Was that necessary?” Lup teased, putting a hand on her hip. “I think he lost a year of his life hearing you say ‘deep clean the coffee machine.’” 

Taako laughed, elbowing her. “It absolutely fucking was.” He straightened up and stretched. “Where are we doing this cuddle pile?”

His sister raised her eyebrow. “You have the biggest bed,” she reasoned. “King size.” He scoffed. He’s not inviting a bunch of people in his bed today, no sirree. “I mean, where else could we do this?”

He paused, an idea forming. “If we move the coffee table and couch, we could transmute something into a big mattress on the floor and build the nest on top of that,” he explained, his eyes lighting up.

Lup looked at him, a grin stretching across her face. “You willing to burn the spell slots?” She clearly was.

“Hell yeah,” he responded, walking to the living room and casting levitate on the aforementioned furniture and moving it to the side. He grabbed a pillow off the couch and threw it in the center of the large room, easily transmuting it into a huge, plushy mattress. Fuck yeah. He’s not a master of transmutation for nothing. “Your turn,” he said, yawning. It had taken a few spell slots, but he didn’t have anything else to spend them on anything, so whatever.

Lup turned and began walking up to the stairs to go get all the blankets she could find. “You can take whatever you want from my room,” Taako called after her, seeing her tail wave in acknowledgement before she disappeared up the stairwell.

While she was searching for things to build the nest, Taako picked up his stone of far speech and called up Kravitz. “Hey babe,” he said as soon as their stones connected. After a couple of seconds, Kravitz responded. 

“Hello, love,” the reaper said, his voice sounding a little tired. There was shuffling on his end, sounds of a scuffle. “How are you?”

Taako flicked his ear. “Ehh, it’s complicated. You wanna come over for a cuddle sesh with me and some others?”

He heard the scythe swishing through the air, presumably finishing off some ghost or whatever. “I think I’m done working for, for the day, sure,” he said. “Where are you?”

“Living room,” Taako responded, and a rip in reality opened beside him a few moments later, his skeletal lover stepping through it. He let his scythe fade away as the rift closed.

Kravitz stepped close to him, placing a bony hand on Taako’s cheek. “You’ve been crying,” he observed. Taako squinted at him in mock-annoyance. “And even so, you look lovely.” The elf scoffed and lightly pushed him off of him, the affection flustering him today. Kravitz laughed.

Lup entered the room, levitating a huge mass of pillows and blankets in front of her. “Sup, Ghost Rider,” she said, dumping the bedding on the mattress. “Time to make a nest.”

Kravitz’s skeletal wings fluttered in interest. “A nest?” he echoed, looking at Taako hopefully. The elf giggled and nodded.

“You’re only allowed in if you have skin,” Taako teased, moving to the mattress to start pushing around the blankets and pillows to form a large nest-like structure. Kravitz shifted to his more human form and moved to help his boyfriend, his wings fidgeting as his bird side was extra happy. Lup sighed and started helping them, staying away from Kravitz and his weird avian tendencies.

Soon, Magnus stepped through the door with a couple of grocery bags in hand. “Oh, hey, Kravitz,” he greeted the reaper. “Nice, I see you’ve already got the pillow fort going.”

Kravitz nodded in response. “Nest,” he corrected, making Taako have to stifle a giggle. Finally, it was perfect, a round, even pile of pillows and blankets laying on the mattress surrounded by a raised ring of extra bedding. Then Taako hopped in, Kravitz following with a little chirp. Lup stepped in delicately, sitting cross-legged beside Taako. 

“No shoes,” Taako said sternly, looking at Magnus, who laughed and kicked off his boots before climbing in. They were sitting in a circle, now. Taako stretched and then laid down on his back in the center of the circle, head in Lup’s lap. “It’s a fuckin’ cuddle pile, isn’t it? Get on in here, thugs.” 

Lup laid on her side and curled with her belly facing Taako’s head so she could play with his hair as they spoke. Magnus laid beside Taako, not quite touching him for fear of making him scared like earlier. But Taako would have none of that, and he pulled Magnus closer, making the man laugh. Kravitz was on his side, facing Taako, one wing extended to rest over him in a gentle embrace, the other folded behind him. He stole a lock of hair from Lup to braid it, enjoying the preening aspect of the nest.

“Snaaacks?” Taako questioned, looking at Magnus.

He pulled one of the grocery bags from the edge of the nest to set it on Taako’s lap. “Take your pick, princess,” he teased, and Taako playfully smacked him with his tail in response. Apparently Magnus had felt guilty because he really had gotten a lot of candy, Taako noticed. Lup reached over to take a package of the Fantasy Skittles, purring as she opened it. Kravitz sat up, eagerly looking in the bag. He had quite the sweet tooth, as Taako had found out early on in the relationship.

After some happy munching, Taako started talking again. “Okay, so, I know I said I would talk about shit if we did the nest thing,” he said, his voice showing a bit of hesitation. “But like, I’ll fucking get there, just let me figure out how to say it.” He wanted to explain himself, to share why he had been afraid of Magnus, but it felt uncomfortable to expose his emotions to someone he hadn’t previously given that level of trust.

“Take your time, dear,” Kravitz responded. He materialized a small black ribbon in his palm from the astral plane and used it to tie off Taako’s braid, weaving a couple of his spare feathers into the end decoratively. 

Magnus said, “You really don’t have to, Taako. I know it’s like, your thing, to not talk about that stuff.” He was trying to be helpful, and had the best intentions, but it did bother Taako a little. That he’d built walls around himself so long others expected them to always be there. He tugged Magnus’s arm to rest underneath his head like a pillow.

“The thing is, I’m trying to open up more, Mango,” he responded, sounding tired. “And for sure, that was my thing for a long time, a couple of centuries actually, but... Gotta start somewhere, right?” He sighed, his tail moving from his mild anxiety and discomfort. When Kravitz saw him reaching to tug at his ear, he intercepted and took Taako’s hand in his own, giving it a kiss. Smooth bastard.

Lup paused in her mission to detangle and smoothen all of Taako’s long hair, which he hadn’t yet brushed that morning. “I’m proud of you, Ko,” she said, her purr making her voice a little raspy. “This is good.” He nodded. He knew that. Didn’t make it much easier.

He started again. “Maggie, you know about Glamour Springs? And Sazed?” He felt Kravitz tense a little at his side. He knew hearing about it made the reaper feel unhappy that Taako had to go through such a difficult time. But it was important to talk about right now, so he reassured him with squeezing Kravitz’s hand.

Magnus seemed unsure. “Only vaguely. That’s why you had some trouble cooking for a while, right?” 

Taako reached over and smoothed over a part of his sideburns that was sticking out. “Sazed was my partner in the Sizzle It Up show I had. He did the heavy lifting, the scrubwork, and I used my personality and cooking skills to make it a success,” he said, his voice becoming quieter as he talked. “He asked if he could be part of the show. But he had no stage presence. He would have ruined it.” He closed his eyes and leaned his face in Magnus’s bicep, trying to calm his rapid heartbeat.

The human was concerned and rubbed Taako’s arm comfortingly. “The chalice had to do with this,” he observed. “You said something about your show after we recovered it.”

The elf nodded, still not trusting himself to speak. Lup smoothed over the hair on the top of his head in soothing motions. 

After a few moments, Taako started again. “He tried to kill me.” Magnus’s eyes grew sad with sympathy. “He poisoned the food. Forty people died, and almost me too, but I hadn’t sampled it yet,” he explained, his eyes still shut as he hid his face. “I thought it was my fault. He told me I did that, my magic had made the food poison.”

Magnus blew out a long breath. “That fucking sucks, Taako.” The elf nodded again. Kravitz snuggled closer to him to try to comfort him some. “I get why cooking was hard after that, definitely.” 

“So, now you know the general story of how Sizzle It Up ended,” Taako stated, grimacing. “But the story of me and Sazed is a whole other beast.” Lup’s eyes widened. Was Taako going to share real details that he hadn’t talked about before? She was so proud of her brother, going so far out of his comfort zone, wanting to get better, to heal. But it was still surprising to see him doing this after refusing to do so for so long.

Kravitz pulled Taako’s arm around his shoulders so the reaper could lay his head on Taako’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was enchanting to him, since he didn’t have one. Being in an intimate cuddle pile with people he cared about really made him feel alive again. He pulled his wing closer around Taako. “You don’t have to,” he said softly, closing his eyes. 

Taako flicked his ears as he thought, accidentally hitting Kravitz in the face, making them both laugh quietly. “Okay, okay,” he said, carefully maneuvering his ear away from his boyfriend’s face, curling his tail around Kravitz’s ankle. “But, I want to,” he insisted.

His voice became pained, as if talking about this physically hurt. “I was so alone,” he said. “After Lucretia’s voidfish debacle. I had no one.” Lup moved closer to him, stroking his head as if to remind him she was there. “I was… well, to put it bluntly, an easy target.” The three could hear the bitterness in his tone. “Lonely and desperate. I’d been a sex worker back in my home plane, you know.” 

Magnus’s eyes widened as he looked down at Taako, seeming panicked. “I- really? Are you okay?” 

The elf met his gaze and squinted. “I’m a survivor. I do what I have to do, Mags.” Magnus seemed abashed, feeling like he’d insulted Taako with how concerned that made him. But he was apparently forgiven as Taako moved his tail to rest on Magnus now.

Taako continued. “Well, I had to eat. And I had no idea I was a wizard, so I couldn’t just use the skills I’d learned in my home plane. It was like starting over completely, with no friends or family, no magic, no home.” Magnus nodded. He’d experienced the same, but without the loss of magic, of course. “I turned to sex work. I remembered how to do that, at least,” he said sardonically. Kravitz rubbed his side gently, comfortingly.

“I wish I’d been there,” Lup said, voice choked with tears. Taako let go of Kravitz’s hand and reached up to grab Lup’s. 

“You couldn’t have known, Fruit-Lup,” he said, his voice gentle. “Not your fault.” She sniffled. “Anyways, one of my first… clients… was Sazed. But he kept coming back, and saying all these nice things, and offered to let me stay in his house instead of having to find a new person’s bed to sleep in each night. I agreed without really thinking about it.”

Kravitz pulled a blanket over him and Taako before moving to cuddle just as closely as he had before. He didn’t know how to deal with this, really, but he wanted his boyfriend to feel safe and loved, so he did what he could to make that happen. “Sazed was a big human. Tall and strong, like you, Magnus, but not as kind,” he explained. “I flinched earlier because… well, in that moment, I was afraid it was Sazed. I reacted before I realized what was happening.” 

“That’s not your fault,” Magnus insisted, his voice serious. “I hope you’re not like, feeling bad about that.” Taako shook his head, and Magnus sighed in relief.

“I started learning magic to protect myself,” Taako explained quietly. “Sazed gave me food and shelter. Not safety.” Lup understood exactly what he meant, clearly distressed as her hands shook when continuing to run through his hair. Magnus seemed less like he knew what that meant, by the fact that he was patiently waiting for more explanation, not shocked like he would be if he knew. 

With a sigh, he ran his hand over the edge of Kravitz’s wing, receiving a little peep in return. “He was a blessing and a curse. He let me stay with him when I’d otherwise be homeless, which probably saved me from all kinds of other trouble.” 

He paused, really not wanting to have to explain what Magnus didn’t read between the lines. “Well, I, uh, was a prostitute living in the home of one of my clients. For free. You get it, right?” Magnus’s expression got sadder. He took Taako’s hand in his own, wanting to show his support. The elf was grateful.

“He gave me gifts, said I was special. It was easy to pretend it was a good relationship.” His voice was barely above a whisper. “I’d grown up being beaten to shreds. It wasn’t anything new. And I’d grown up with travelling caravans. Uh… well. Sexual assault. Not anything new, either.” He saw tears forming in Magnus’s eyes. 

Feeling strangely detached, he realized he felt cold, and scared, and just wanted to describe things in the vaguest of terms, avoiding any details that would make him have to relive any memories. “I learned enough magic to make something of myself. Found out that I was a great cook. Thought I could, you know, become someone, find a different life. Again, I guess.” The tone of the conversation was unbearably heavy, but he didn’t want to stop until he’d finished the story, even if it was an awful tale. “But he just followed me. Said he’d be my manager, do all the stuff I was too weak to do.” 

Kravitz looked up at him. Taako was a little surprised to see tears in his eyes, too. “You’re not weak, love,” he said, completely sincere, voice strained. Taako just closed his eyes in response.

“So it was a, uh, cycle of do a show, pack up, be… hurt, travel, put up a glamour to hide what Sazed did, and repeat. For a few years, until he… tried to kill me.” Magnus sniffled, reaching up to wipe his eyes. Taako knew he was an emotional guy, and that he maybe did really care about Taako, but seeing him cry in sadness just for what Taako had been through… it was a new feeling. He felt awkward for making him cry, but loved, cared for. Validated.

“I’m sorry,” Lup said, her voice sounding muffled as she covered her mouth. “I didn’t- I wasn’t there.” Taako gently pushed Magnus and Kravitz off of him so he could go to his sister, pulling her into his arms and purring to calm her. She buried her face in his neck, grieving that he’d gone through so much when she’d disappeared.

“You can purr?” Magnus gaped at him, making him giggle, shattering the heavy mood.

He purred extra loud just to show he could, still hugging his sister. “Lup can, why wouldn’t I be able to?” But he knew Magnus had just never heard him purr, that he’d never been this open with him before. But it was… nice. To be able to trust him like this.

Kravitz seemed somber, in thought. “Get in here,” Taako instructed, so the reaper sat up and moved behind Taako, resting his head on the elf’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around the two twins. “Oh hell yeah, group hug,” he said, his forced tone obvious, especially when his voice cracked from the emotional strain he’d been through today so far. “Magnus, you can’t get away from this.”

“I wouldn’t want to,” he responded with a grin, pulling the three into a bone-crushing bear hug. Letting them all go, he examined Taako’s face, his expression serious again. “How can I try not to scare you again?”

Taako shrugged, looking at his hands. “Sometimes things freak me out. Sometimes they don’t. I had a nightmare about Sazed last night, so I guess it was on my mind more than usual.” Looking up at the gentle warrior, he smiled a little. “Thanks anyway, though.” 

They heard footsteps on the stairs, and all four of them turned to see who it was. Lucretia, of course, as she generally wakes up early, and it was maybe 7:30 at that point, after all. She widened her eyes, noticing the tearstains on their faces. “What’s- what’s going on?”

Taako laughed, ears still drooping from the sad story of his past. “Emotional honesty time, baby,” he responded weakly. “You want in on this bitch?”

She seemed intrigued. It had taken months for her to mend her relationship with the elf, and she still wasn’t sure if he still actually liked her or not. So for him to extend an invitation to the cuddle pile was a pleasant surprise. “Oh, well, sure, I suppose,” she stuttered, neatly taking off her slippers and placing them by the edge of the mattress before gingerly climbing in. “What are we, ah, discussing?”

Magnus uncomfortably rubbed the back of his neck and averted his eyes. Lup offered, “It was a tough morning for some of us,” vague enough to protect Taako’s privacy but better than nothing. She seemed to accept it. Kravitz passed her the candy, and she took a piece, unlike the others, who had taken whole packages of treats. They talked about more superficial things, and cheered up as they joked around with their friend, the mood slowly brightening like the sky outside.


	22. Self-Care

When more people started waking up and coming downstairs, Taako declared it was time to dismantle the nest. He transmuted the mattress back into the original couch pillow and took all the bedding off the floor. Lup moved the furniture back to where it was and they all helped to try to put the pillows and blankets in the same rooms they took them from with mostly success. In the end of it, Taako hopped on the bed, sinking into it face first.

“Gods, I’m tired now,” he said, his voice muffled. Kravitz sat beside him, wings aflutter from his discomfort. Taako looked up at him. “What’s up, kemosabe?”

The reaper wrung his hands. “I just, just… I want to protect you,” he said, meeting Taako’s eyes. “I don’t want anything like that to, to happen to you again, ever.” 

Taako sat up and wrapped his arms around Kravitz’s waist, laying his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “It won’t,” he said quietly. “I have you now.” He closed his eyes and started purring. He was comfortable here, feeling safe with his boyfriend and wanting to comfort him. Apparently it worked, as tension in the reaper’s body relaxed and he leaned his head against Taako’s lovingly.

“I need self-care now,” Taako said, his purrs rumbling to a stop. “For reals, if I don’t relax, I might get an anxiety attack later today, and Taako is so not here for that.”

Kravitz stretched his arms upward with a small yawn. “I need to recoup some energy,” he admitted. He didn’t have infinite energy as an undead being, even if his stamina was much bigger than any living being’s. He had to rest between difficult bounty hunts and such. Luckily, since he didn’t need sleep, just hanging out was good enough to help re-energize him.

Taako hummed, pulling away from Kravitz. “I could do your hair,” he suggested. 

Kravitz looked at him and his form shifted, his dreadlocks loosely hanging around his face with beads and feathers woven in. “Don’t need to, babe.”

The elf huffed and rolled his eyes. “I know you’ll just poof it away afterward. But it’s the process that’s relaxing, ya goofus.” Kravitz chuckled and shifted back to his original hair arrangement, his locs up in a ponytail as usual now.

Taako moved to the head of the bed, pushing the pillows together into a comfy pile for him to lean against. “Come here,” he said, and Kravitz sat in front of him, pulling the hair tie out of his hair.

He gently arranged and smoothed the locs until they all rested in their natural places. With Mage Hand, he rummaged in his vanity until he brought out a bag of trinkets to weave into the hair. Humming a soft tune, he carefully retwisted some locs that needed it, adding beads and such to the ends. Kravitz sighed with comfort, his wings drooping behind him in relaxation, contrasting with his usual proper posture. It was nice to be doted on.

Eventually Taako was done. “You wanna do my nails, stud?” he asked, hopping off the bed to look for the shade he wanted. 

“Sure, why not,” Kravitz said, looking at his boyfriend and stretching his wings wide, loosening the muscles satisfyingly. “What colors are you going for?”

Taako hummed. “I was thinking black and gold to match my new necklace,” he said, smiling at Kravitz as he held up the bottles of polish. The reaper smiled back fondly.

His boyfriend climbed onto the bed and sat crosslegged in front of Kravitz, placing the three bottles of polish between them, one being clear of course. He stretched out his hands on the bed in front of Kravitz and enjoyed watching his boyfriend’s look of focus as he carefully pulled the brush across his long, claw-like nails. When he was done with the first coat of clear polish, he used Prestigitation to make them harden instantly. That’s how Taako do.

“I know you’re trying to relax right now,” Kravitz said hesitantly. Taako’s ears moved back a little, as he was wary of what his boyfriend would say next. The reaper kept applying sparkling golden polish to his nails as he spoke. “I just have a question, if, if you don’t mind.”

Taako nodded, looking down at his nails, like Kravitz was. “I know this is invasive,” Kravitz began. Not a great start, in Taako’s opinion. “But what you talked about earlier, is that why we don’t sleep together?”

Honestly, the elf was surprised that Kravitz was asking so directly, but in a way also surprised that he had never asked why in the months they’d been dating. “Yeah,” he replied softly. “I’ve… well, I haven’t had the option to say ‘no’ for too long. It’s just nice to have a break from sex, is all.”

Kravitz nodded understandingly. “That’s perfectly fine, love.” 

The elf squinted at his boyfriend. “Most people don’t say that in response to their lover not having sex with them.”

He chuckled, switching to the black polish. He carefully painted Taako’s ring finger nails with it, contrasting with the gold. There were tiny silver sparkles in it, though, so it could at least somewhat match Taako’s flashy tastes. “I don’t need to eat, or sleep, or anything most mortals need to do. It’s the same for sex. This body doesn’t need it.”

Taako shifted uncomfortably, careful to keep his hands still, but his tail was moving irregularly. “What about, uh, emotionally?” He was glad to hear that Kravitz wasn’t physically inconvenienced by this, but…

Kravitz finished with this coat of paint, and waited for Taako to dry it before he started talking. “I always appreciate feeling close to you, Taako. Sex is, is just one form of intimacy. And, we’ve been emotionally intimate a lot the, the past couple of days, love. I’m not missing out on anything.” He smiled genuinely and looked into Taako’s eyes, earnestly wanting the elf to understand and believe what he was saying. To his relief, Taako nodded.

The elf didn’t even know he was stressed about this until he’d talked to Kravitz about it. The tiny lingering pressure in his mind, to have sex because it’s what couples do, it’s what he had always had to do, was gone now. He felt comfortable now with the fact that he has the ability to choose for himself what his sexual life is like. And right now, deciding to stay away from sex was letting him recover from the bad things that happened in his life, from before he knew Kravitz.

“Thank you,” he said quietly as the reaper finished the next coat, and with a wave of his hand all his nails were dry again, ready for the last coat of clear polish on top. “I’m… I’m glad to have you. You’re so good for me, Krav.” He felt like his insides squirmed when he saw his boyfriend beam up at him adoringly. He made a face in response, and Kravitz laughed.

“Sounds like someone’s feeling a little sappy,” he said, his tone light and teasing as he swept the brush over the elf’s nails. 

Taako leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. “I am,” he agreed. “And it’s gross.” Kravitz chuckled and finished painting Taako’s nails. With a final Prestigitation, they were dry. His boyfriend had done a perfect job. There wasn’t even any on his cuticles. “Good job, bubbeleh,” he said, using Mage Hand to put away the bottles of nail polish. “What next?”

Kravitz shrugged. “Have you eaten today?” Taako’s guilty expression told him everything he needed to know. “What would you like, dear?”

He yawned. “Fantasy Chinese takeout, then a nap. Obvs.” So Kravitz portaled himself right over to the restaurant, got them some food, and came back. They ate on Taako’s bedroom floor watching some goofy documentary on battle wagon racing on Fantasy Netflix. 

It was only ten in the morning, but they both felt like this day was a long and tiring one already. Well, Kravitz had been chasing a stubborn bounty all night, and Taako had nightmares, then they participated in a sappy tearfest in the living room, so it was understandable.

Kravitz climbed onto Taako’s bed, materializing pajamas onto himself in place of his suit, and breathed deeply, stretching out his wings comfortably. “Hey, mister Raven,” Taako said, crawling next to him. “Make way for your boyfriend.” Kravitz hummed in amusement and lifted a wing just enough for Taako to wriggle beneath it to lay beside his boyfriend. It covered him like a blanket. Taako felt himself starting to purr.

The reaper turned his head, laying it on his arm like a pillow, to look at Taako. “You feeling alright, love?”

The elf in question giggled. “I’m allowed to purr outside emotional breakdowns,” he said, some sass making its way into his voice. His gaze softened as he snuggled a little closer. “I’m just happy, Krav.” He yawned and continued. “I didn’t realize how much I’d like purring around you. Wish I hadn’t held back before.”

Kravitz reached over and pushed a lock of hair behind Taako’s ear, looking at him fondly. “You know you don’t have to, to hold anything back.” He only nodded in response. “And, well. Speaking of holding things back. It’s my turn to share, right?”

Taako’s ears – well, the one that wasn’t pinned down from his resting head – perked up. “Yeah, babe. Gimme the deets.”

The reaper laughed, his wing shaking slightly as his shoulders moved from his chuckles. “Okay, okay. So I was a worshipper of the Raven Queen in life, you know this.” Taako became quiet and attentive as his boyfriend spoke, allowing his purrs to fade into silence. “That wasn’t common in my village. My family were the only ones. Others worshipped gods of, of agriculture and such – you know, the ones that applied to, to them in the most obvious way, as most were farmers.” 

He paused before talking again. “Then when my family had gone, it was just me. I was the only devotee of the Raven Queen in the area.” Taako gave a small, quiet purr of sympathy, and Kravitz smiled appreciatively. “It was tough. My family came from a different village, but I, I don’t remember where. We were, were part aarakocra, and everyone else were either halflings or humans.”

Taako just stared at him, deadpan. “You were what now?”

As if surprised by this, Kravitz lifted his eyebrows. “Part aarakocra. The bird race?” 

Taako covered his mouth and tried to remain stoic, but burst out laughing. “You… you fucking… you’re literally a raven. Oh my gods, Krav.” He couldn’t stop his giggles.

Kravitz decided to share the amusement instead of taking offense. “I guess, yeah. That’s not why we were devotees of, of the Raven Queen, but yeah.” He tucked his wings to his sides a little self-consciously.

“What did you look like when you were alive?” The curiosity in Taako’s eyes made Kravitz smile.

The reaper adjusted his locs a little so they would rest more comfortably on the pillow. “Uh, this? My regular body now is, is what my body was like back when I died. But, I wear nicer things now, clearly.”

Delighted, Taako reached over and gently ran his fingers over the feathers on the side Kravitz’s head down to his neck. “Oh, Istus. You’re so fucking cute.” Kravitz squinted at him. “No, really. I thought you were just being a good little reaper and matching the aesthetic, but you were a feathery boy all along.” 

He chuckled in response. “Hmm, no. But it is convenient.” He spread his wing to rest on Taako again in a comfortable embrace, earning a little purr. “So back to the story. I lived in, in a house that was several miles away from the local temple of the Raven Queen, which my, my family had built back in the day. I would visit it each morning and night to, to pray and maintain the place, keep it looking nice.” 

Kravitz continued. “I actually got the injury on the way to the, the temple. The one that would lead to the infection that killed me.” He was more somber, and didn’t meet Taako’s eyes. “I’m grateful to, to my Queen that she gave me another chance. Being a reaper isn’t always so, so glamorous, clearly. But I’m glad I got to stick around long enough to meet you.” 

Finally, he flicked his gaze back to Taako’s, and blushed when he saw the sappy, adoring look on his boyfriend’s face. “So yeah. I don’t really know or remember a, a lot more about my mortal life. It was so long ago.”

Taako took one of Kravitz’s hands in his own and threaded their fingers together. He leaned his cheek against the back of the reaper’s hand. “I’m glad you shared that stuff, darling. I actually… it’s strange, I’d never wanted to open up and learn more about each other until now. And now it’s just making us closer.” Now it was his turn to avoid eye contact. “I was scared, Krav. Of rejection. Isn’t that fucking dumb? I’m Taako, from TV. And you love me.”

Kravitz pulled their hands to him so he could kiss Taako’s hand. “I do love you,” he confirmed. “Babe, you’re not dumb.” He gave another peck to Taako’s thumb. “You don’t have to, to be scared,” he said, giving a kiss to the elf’s forefinger. “There’s nothing you could tell me that, that would change my feelings for you.” Another kiss to the middle finger. “I’m not going to reject you.” Ring finger. “I love you, dear.” Pinky.

When the reaper looked up from his sappy speech and display of affection, he saw Taako blinking back tears. “It’s okay,” he soothed, rolling onto his side and opening his arms. Gratefully, his boyfriend cuddled up to him, hiding his face in the space between his shoulder and neck. They sat in quiet for a bit, Kravitz feeling warmth and happiness at holding his love, Taako feeling a sense of calm and love he had needed for so long.


	23. Alone

Taako gasped in his sleep, twitching and sweating as the nightmare tormented him.

He was on the Starblaster. They had failed. The light was nowhere to be found. One by one, he’d seen his crewmates die in various ways, each one making him feel more terrified of what could happen next. And then he was nearly alone. The two IPRE members left alive were Davenport and Taako, and they hadn’t even found the light. 

They were traversing a rocky outcropping on the side of the mountain, tracking the light as well as they could, very careful to keep safe. Not careful enough. Taako screeched as he saw the rock crumble beneath Davenport’s feet, the gnome instantly falling off the side of the cliff. 

Then he was sitting up in his bed, hair on end, hyperventilating. Beside him, Kravitz stirred, sleepily blinking open his eyes. “Darling?” 

“I-“ Taako tried to explain, but the incoming tears choked him. 

Sitting up, his boyfriend pulled him into a comforting hug. “I’m here, love. You’re alright.” Sniffling, Taako nodded and leaned into the hug. Kravitz wrapped his wings around him protectively, making him slowly start feeling safe. “It’s Friday morning. You’re in your house in Goldcliff. I’m here with you, and you’re going to be okay,” Kravitz told him. Hearing the facts of the situation made him feel grounded and present.

After ten minutes of just sitting there in the dark, Taako’s breathing was even and the tears had stopped. “Do you want to talk about it?” Kravitz asked, pressing a kiss to the elf’s forehead.

His shoulders slumped, Taako blinked tiredly at his boyfriend, looking at his concerned expression with his dark vision. “It was a Starblaster dream.” Kravitz rubbed his back with slow, soothing motions. “I just… everyone died but me. I was alone.” He shivered, fists at his eyes to brush away the prickling feeling of tears. 

The reaper hummed quietly, leaning his head against Taako’s. “You’re safe, love. Those days are over. The Hunger is defeated, and you’re safe.” Taako nodded, and Kravitz continued. “Everyone is, is safe. You saved all those planes, babe. And the, the whole IPRE is alive and well.” 

Hearing Taako’s breathing hitch at that, as if he was becoming more upset, Kravitz hastily kept talking. “Darling, everyone is safe. I think they’re all in, in this house as we speak. Merle, and Lup, Barry, Lucretia, and Magnus, and Davenport.” Taako hid his face in Kravitz’s shoulder at the mention of the gnome. 

“Listen, darling. Use your elf ears. Can you hear all of them breathing? They’re here, and alive, and safe.” Keeping his eyes closed, he relaxed his mind a bit, extending his senses to listen closely, like he would in a meditative state. He heard the scribbling of writing in Lucretia’s room, Merle’s snores, Magnus’s deep breathing, Lup’s sleepy purrs, Barry’s quiet breath. And he sighed in relief as he heard Davenport’s characteristic high-pitched snores and yips. 

After a couple of minutes, Taako hugged Kravitz. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” his boyfriend replied, laying back down and pulling Taako with him. “It’s still early in the morning, dear.” He was clearly implying his intention to go back to sleep. 

Taako leaned his head on Kravitz’s chest, the steady breathing soothing him. “You can sleep. I’ll meditate.” With a nod, Kravitz laid his head back comfortably and fell asleep quickly. 

They were all safe. It was something he’d had trouble internalizing. Yeah, he knew it intellectually, but emotionally? For some reason he felt like he was still on the run. Skipping town to avoid getting caught after stealing from the man he’d just slept with, knowing he’d be leaving with the caravan the next day. The Hunger. The all-consuming, terrifying Hunger, destroying planes and nearly destroying him several times. 

Sazed. Escaping in the middle of the night, blood dripping from his nose after another unfortunate night in the Sizzle It Up wagon, choking back sobs for fear of being found, until he calmed down enough to slink back to his abuser. Scared of what Sazed would do to him next. Scared of giving up his dream as a celebrity chef. Scared of what Sazed would do to him if he tried to leave for real. 

Running from Glamour Springs, then the authorities in general after the poisoning disaster. Running from his own feelings, unable to accept and work through them, stuck in a frightened and fragile state.

Taako closed his eyes tightly and focused on keeping his breathing even, trying to keep himself from slipping into an anxiety attack. Meditation. Right. He hadn’t been meditating, he had been wallowing. 

Slowly, he was able to relax his muscles and open up his mind again to listen to the world around him. The familiar noises of his home made him feel safe and grounded. He didn’t have to run anymore.


	24. A New Friend

After a few hours, Kravitz woke up again, this time without Taako interrupting his sleep. Noticing that his boyfriend was beginning to stir, Taako left his meditative state and sat up. “I think it’s maybe eight,” he commented. “Let’s make some fuckin’ breakfast, my dude.” With a sleepy nod, Kravitz rolled out of the bed, yawning and changing his form into his usual put-together look. Taako changed into a comfortably loose sweater, paired with a flowing skirt that had glittery accents. 

They headed downstairs to find that Johann the hound was pawing at the door and whining. Upon opening the door, Taako gasped.

Johann was carefully holding a small orange kitten by the scruff. When Taako kneeled down, he gently placed it on the ground, where it began mewling. The elf scooped it up and looked up at Kravitz, his ears perked up in interest. “Let me see,” the reaper requested, and Taako gave him the kitten. 

It was small, but its eyes were open and it was clearly curious. And hungry, by the sounds of his demanding little squeaks. “Where did you come from, darling?” Kravitz asked. Taako could see that his boyfriend was already in love with the kitten. “Dear, do you know if we have anything it might be able to eat?”

“Uhhh, cha’ boy doesn’t know what cats can eat,” he said hesitantly and walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge. “We don’t really have much on hand right now, to be honest.”

Kravitz, kitten in one arm and his other pawing through the fridge, decided to give him a slice of lunch meat. It ate it fast enough to make Kravitz laugh. Taako couldn’t help but laugh too, seeing his boyfriend so clearly enamored with the little thing, and knowing this was probably going to be his new pet. Okay, definitely going to be his new pet.

Leaning over to scratch the kitten under the chin, Taako muttered in a faux-annoyed tone, “Nothing in this house is supposed to be cuter than me.” Kravitz chuckled and pulled out his scythe. “You goin’ somewhere, stud?”

“Pet store,” he said, opening a rift in front of him. “You want to come?”

Taako linked their arms and grinned at him. “Of fucking course.”

They stepped out of the rift onto a bustling commercial street of Neverwinter. “There’s got to be one somewhere,” Kravitz reasoned, craning his head to look around. 

The elf pulled out his stone of farspeech and called Angus. “Hey pumpkin, you know where any pet stores are in Neverwinter?” 

After a moment, he responded. “Hello, sir! There’s one on Platinum Street,” he said in a cheery voice. “Are you in town?”

“Hell yeah. We got a cat,” he announced, looking over at his grinning boyfriend. “Haven’t even had him a day and I already know he’s about to be spoiled.” He could practically hear Angus bouncing up and down on the other end of the line, and decided to throw him a bone. “You want to meet it?”

Then they portaled to the outside of Angus’s dormitory building. He soon came running out, clutching his little notebook. “Oh my,” he gasped, holding out his arms. “May I?” Kravitz handed him the kitten graciously, the first time he’d let go of it since first picking it up. 

It immediately started purring in Angus’s arms. “What are you gonna name it?” He looked at it and touched its nose affectionately. It blinked back at him with blue eyes.

Taako shrugged. “I haven’t had time to think about it yet. We gotta get it food first, obvs. That’s why we need to go to the pet store.”

Angus straightened up and started rattling off directions. Grabbing his hand, Kravitz opened a rift and placed the three of them directly in front of the store. “Thanks, sir!” the boy cheered. He gave the kitten back to Kravitz, then pushed his way into the shop. The bell above the doorway tinkled pleasantly as they entered.

“Welcome,” a drow woman called out from across the store. “I’ll be with you in a moment.” After some bustling around, she approached them. “What can I do for you?”

“We found this,” Taako said, gesturing to the kitten, “and we could use some help, my man. What’s it eat?”

She giggled and reached out to pet it. After sniffing her hand, it leaned its head into it. “Aww, he’s friendly,” she cooed. “Oh, actually, is it a boy or a girl?”

The three looked at each other, a little embarrassed. “We haven’t had it for more than fifteen minutes,” Kravitz explained. “We actually don’t know.”

After a quick peek, she told them it was a boy and somewhere around six weeks old. “But that doesn’t matter in regards to what he eats,” she said with a laugh, leading them to the kitten food aisle. “They eat different food when they’re little, until they’re a certain age,” she explained, pulling a bag off the shelf. “This one should be able to last until he’s old enough to eat regular cat food.” 

Kravitz carried it under his arm while they looked around the rest of the store. He picked out a matte black collar, which Taako agreed to under the condition that his nametag would be bedazzled. Drifting around the aisle, he soon spotted where the nametags were. Most were plain, run of the mill names. Boring. But one caught his eye: Hope.

It was a nice thought. On a day he’d woken up afraid and distraught, Hope showed up on his doorstep.

Pulling the tag off the wall, he showed it to Kravitz. “I can transmute it holographic,” he explained, grinning. “Oh man, it’s gonna be so fuckin’ great. Wait til’ Lup sees him.” 

Angus peered up at the nametag. “Hope? That’s the cat’s name, sir?”

“You’re damn right, Ango,” he replied, patting him on top of the head. He scrunched his nose in mock-annoyance in response, unable to hold back a grin. 

Walking down the aisle, he didn’t see anything else he needed. “We got food, we got a collar, we got a name, anything else, boys?” Turning around, he realized Kravitz had gone off somewhere else. “Krav?”

From the aisle over, they heard him reply with a distracted “Yes, dear?” They turned the corner to find him pensively looking up at the wall of toys, already having picked out several, holding them in the same arm as Hope, who was batting at them happily. Taako doubled over laughing.

“Oh, Bones,” he said between cackles, wiping a tear. “This is fucking precious. A perfect picture of what Death looks like in his free time. Are you serious?” 

Kravitz had the decency to look a little sheepish. “He likes them,” he explained, his tone something between affectionate and defensive. “But okay, we should probably check out now.” They soon left the store with their purchases. 

Angus was carrying the kitten, who had fallen asleep. Suddenly he stopped walking, as if he’d just remembered something important. “It’s Friday, I have class in an hour,” he said, sounding deflated.

“We can bring you back to the Academy,” Kravitz offered, and then they did. 

When the couple and their new pet arrived home, it was only about ten in the morning. Setting down the bags on the kitchen counter, Kravitz pulled out the collar. “Did you get a nametag?”

Taako nodded, fishing through the bags to find it. “Here,” he said, and passed it to him. “I figured he could use a nice name. Y’know, one that spreads positivity.”

“Paw-sitivity,” Kravitz corrected him, with a grin that said he already knew Taako would roll his eyes at the pun. Looking at the tag, he said, “Hope. I like it.” Then he clipped the nametag onto the collar. 

Taako pulled out the small wand in his pocket and with a wave, the surface of the nametag became glittery and holographic, perfectly tacky and flashy, just the way Taako likes it. “Now we’re talking, babe. I wanna see this bad boy on him.” 

Hope didn’t like having a collar put on him, but he quickly seemed to forget about it when they poured him a little bowl of the kitten food.


	25. Good Cat

Kittens need a lot of sleep, Taako soon found out. He was currently passed out on the end of the elf’s bed. “I can’t just fucking wake him up,” he told Kravitz while pouting, “but he’s so cute. I want him to play with his new toys.”

The reaper put an arm around Taako’s shoulders. “He will,” he promised. “You’ll be complaining because he’s too hyperactive, later, though.” 

His boyfriend elbowed him lightly in the side, giggling. “Or maybe you will, babe. When he realizes you have bird wings and he’s a cat.” Kravitz looked mildly alarmed at the concept, making Taako laugh in earnest. 

The laughter made Hope wake up. He yawned widely. “Look at his little teeth,” Kravitz sighed, still entranced with the kitten. “He’s so cute.”

“We should show Lup and Barry,” Taako said, sitting up with a happy tail wave. “I’m not gonna be able to keep this precious motherfucker a secret for long.”

Kravitz agreed, standing up with the kitten in his arms. “They have today off,” he told Taako. “I have to, to work this afternoon through the night, though. I hope you, you won’t mind sleeping alone.”

Taako waved his hand flippantly. “I’m a big boy, Krav, no worries. I can work on the surprise for these chucklefucks until bedtime. And besides, I have Hope now. Don’t I?” He addressed the last part to the kitten and swooped down to kiss the top of his head. It purred, and Taako purred back.

“I’m gonna die,” Kravitz groaned. “You’re both, both too cute.” 

Taako giggled, taking Hope from the reaper and marching upstairs to find his sister and brother-in-law. “Oh sister of mine,” he called out, excitement evident in his voice. “Come out here and take a fuckin’ gander at this thing.”

Lup opened the bedroom door with a yawn. Apparently she had been sleeping in. Immediately, her eyes brightened and her ears perked up. “Is that a kitten?” Hope mewled. She turned her head to look into the bedroom. “Oh my gods. Babe, come here right fucking now, there’s a kitten!”

Chuckling, Barry appeared in the doorway too. He was wearing a black t-shirt with a skull and crossbones on it with matching pajama pants. Dude knows how to stay on theme. “That sure is a kitten, yep.” He seemed happy, but not as ecstatic as Lup. She was holding Hope, purring and giving him kisses.

“His name is Hope,” Kravitz told them, grinning with happiness. “Found him earlier this, this morning.”

“Where?” Lup asked. 

Taako shrugged. “Johann put him on our doorstep. Must’a found him in the bushes or something.”

“Let’s look for his mom,” Barry suggested. “He might have siblings, too.” Taako nodded, and then they all went outside to start looking. 

They didn’t find anything. After about an hour of searching, with Hope asleep in Kravitz’s arms, they decided to call it a day. “I guess he was all alone out there,” Taako said softly, stroking the kitten between its ears. It mewed quietly, not opening his eyes from his nap. “Aww.”

“He’s got a family now,” Lup said, putting her arm over Taako’s shoulders. He stiffened. Was she talking about Taako instead of the cat? “And he’s loved.”

After a few seconds, Taako sighed and relaxed, leaning into the half-hug. Maybe that was okay. Maybe he did have a family who loved him now. Maybe he’d had it all along.

Taking Hope from Kravitz and holding him to his chest, Taako purred softly at it, and smiled at the responding purr. 

He didn’t feel alone anymore.


End file.
